Would You Read Your Partner’s ChatGPT?

In Lindsey Hall’s viral Substack post, “I Stumbled Across My Boyfriend's ChatGPT, and It Ended Our Relationship,” the author describes what it was like to accidentally come across numerous saved chat logs in which her partner was seeking support and advice from ChatGPT about their relationship. Chat gets very involved, and after Hall’s partner shares some doubts, Chat guided, "Then you should consider ending it."

In my sex and relationship therapy practice, I am seeing a new type of betrayal. As more people use chatbots for therapy and guidance (the number one use case for the past two years), it becomes easier to access our partners’ private thoughts. What would otherwise be a totally confidential conversation with another person instead becomes an ongoing written dialogue, often happening while we are in the room, without our awareness.

Practical barriers to our partners’ thoughts and feelings have been removed. Instead of actively seeking out our partner’s diary and deciding whether to read it, or eavesdropping on a conversation with a friend, we go into ChatGPT and find our partner’s last thread.

Would You Turn Away?

One of the most challenging aspects of intimacy and relationships is accepting that parts of our partners’ inner lives will always remain unknowable. Despite the reassurance and control we desire or come to rely on, we can never have complete certainty about the future of our relationship.

There is something deeply appealing about knowing. If there is even a hint of doubt in a relationship, it can be compelling to seek additional information in an attempt to find that assurance.

All of this is to say that it’s hard to turn away when presented with an open chat, especially when we recognize familiar names in the conversation and uncertainty is front and center. Our personal attachment styles and relationship dynamics can make it even harder to close the chat without reading.

The Ghost in the Machine

In her book Artificial Intimacy, researcher Sherry Turkle posits that “chatbots provide mirrors rather than relationships.” It has become a well-established theory that chatbots offer a reflection of us. Shaped by user prompts to behave in a certain way and fed the types of questions we want answered, chatbots work hard to give us what we want.

“The fact this was on ChatGPT, in its own way, made the whole thing feel even more grotesque and surreal. It was like accidentally reading someone’s diary, except the diary was a [expletive] robot—predisposed to agree with him, ready to take his cruel thoughts and shape them into something that sounded reasonable.” — Lindsey Hall

If what we are reading is a mirror of our partner’s thoughts, it follows that a log of these conversations might offer one of the most intimate looks into our partner’s psyche that we can get. Or is it just a misleading spiral perpetuated by chatbots’ sycophantic tendency to keep users engaged, refusing to end the conversation? It is natural for the partner discovering the chat logs to experience anger or even a feeling of betrayal towards the chatbot itself.

Betrayal

In any case, most people do not seek advice from their chatbot with the expectation that others will read it. For many, the feeling that has led them to this conversation is one of questioning or even angst. They are trying to figure out their feelings and want a space in which to do so, with few or no parameters.

There are two types of perceived human betrayal in these instances:

1. Discovering that your partner has shared intimate details of your relationship with their chatbot
2. Realizing that your partner has read your private chat logs

In a partnership, both people can experience pain and a sense of betrayal: one from having their private life shared with a chatbot without their consent, and the other from having their private thoughts exposed and witnessed.

This type of betrayal is less likely to have been discussed in a relationship before it happens. As more and more people share their thoughts about personal relationships with chatbots, conversations about these boundaries within relationships become increasingly necessary.

So, What Do We Do?

Talk to your partner about their relationship with their chatbot. Ask yourself: Are there topics you wouldn’t want your partner to discuss with their chatbot? If the answer is yes, discuss them with your partner. Ask your partner if they have questions for you about your own relationship with a chatbot.

An open dialogue can bring us together. Otherwise, as conversations become more siloed with our machine confidants, we can easily find ourselves moving further and further apart.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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