Once in a while, and possibly because I am in my luteal phase, I decide to download a dating app and have a swipe about. I really don’t know why I do it to myself, other than to check in on the other terminal singletons whose profiles have become like old friends over the years. “Oh, you did get that promotion after all, Paul. Well done.”
It’s been a while since I last clocked in but this time, I noticed that the latest buzzword on many men’s profiles seems to be “maintenance”, as in “high maintenance”. “Don’t bother if you’re high maintenance.” “No high maintenance please.” A couple of years ago, it used to be “no drama”, but that seems to have morphed into “high maintenance women need not apply”. Some profiles feature both.
The term itself is almost always levied at women, rather than men. I’ve never once seen a woman asking for even less effort from a man. The concept of a “high maintenance” woman is hardly new. It’s been around since at least the 2000s when Chandler Bing told Monica Geller that “they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like… maintaining you”, in Friends.
But whereas here, “high maintenance” meant Monica’s fastidious attention to detail and almost fanatical adherence to her own rules, today it means a woman who “has higher than normal expectations; has a greater requirement for affection or attention; has more needs and/or demands and [is] therefore more difficult or challenging”. At least, that’s according to Urban Dictionary.
I say this to all genders, not just women: a prospective romantic partner specifically saying they do not want a relationship with someone who is “high maintenance” is a huge red flag. Just say you can’t be bothered to put any effort into a relationship and be on your selfish way.
How did we get to the point where making zero demands of someone you are sharing your body and your life with is regarded as a good thing? How low does your self-esteem have to be to think that having boundaries and standards isn’t something to be incredibly proud of?
I am firmly convinced that any woman who is out there marketing herself as “low maintenance” is just a woman with unmet needs. This is someone who is doing a whole lot of unacknowledged emotional labour as she ties herself in knots, trying to be the cool girl who never nags, never has her own opinions, and never puts her own needs first.
Of course, the irony here is that the men making these kinds of demands are incredibly high maintenance, requiring nothing less than the total effacing of a partner’s romantic standards in order to meet their own. Low maintenance just means never being challenged on a single point and agreeing to whatever demands are made of you with a smile on your face.
The same men who are asking for low maintenance women are also asking for busty virgins, who are under 25, do yoga, bake bread, and never leave the house. I once saw a dating profile for a married man, saying he wasn’t interested in a “high maintenance woman”. Sir, you are married! You are so high maintenance that apparently it requires a team of women to deal with your bullshit. That’s the worst of them, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who isn’t high maintenance! Unlike women, men don’t seem to have any problems expressing their needs. As far as I can work out, they require constant reassurance, sexual availability, unconditional access, domestic labour and regular feeding.
When I was younger, I’ll admit that I played that game. I was so desperate to be the easy-breezy, chill girlfriend that I put up with the kind of crap that makes me want to punch my younger self in the face. Trust me, pretending you are low maintenance requires a colossal amount of work. Do you have any idea of how much effort it takes to watch a grown man play PlayStation games with his mates for four hours and pretend this is exactly what you were hoping to do for Valentine’s Day? I do! I’ve done it. “No, I don’t mind you going out with lads again. I’ll just wait here until you want to have sex with me.” “Yes! I’d love to listen to you talk about cryptocracy again. In fact, can you show me a YouTube video about it?” “Of course I can ask my best friend to join us. I’m just sooooo low maintenance.”
It’s a mug’s game that only fosters resentment and anger. Making yourself smaller so someone else can feel big will not result in a healthy relationship. Quite the opposite – it sets a precedent where the other person expects you to put up and shut up. If someone is shaming you for being “high maintenance”, run. It is a sneaky ploy to stop you from saying what you want from them.
As I have got older, I have come to take great pride in being very high maintenance. I don’t want to be made to feel like an unpaid intern in a relationship, and neither should you. I want open and honest communication, accountability, emotional generosity and someone who can, on occasion, lovingly but firmly put me through the mattress. The idea of letting some twerp on Tinder tell me otherwise is frankly laughable.
The goal of any partnership, however fleeting, should never be “low maintenance”, but to be well-maintained. A mature, adult relationship inevitably means some compromise and respecting each other’s boundaries. It takes effort from all involved and that’s a very good thing.
“Low maintenance” is for pot plants and vinyl flooring, not a human being.