I am a sex writer and I’ve never tried role play. In all of my experimentation with Shibari, candle play, BDSM, temperature play, and every sex toy imaginable, I’ve never had the guts to get into character and have sex with my partner as someone else. It’s not that I’m not into the idea. I think scenes that involve a doctor and patient, professor and student, and even two strangers in the bar would be ridiculously hot—I’m just too nervous to try. Mostly because it feels kind of silly.
Now, I’m not opposed to a little laughter during sex—I think it just makes the experience better. But I like to get out of my head when I’m sleeping with someone, and I’m afraid that I’ll be too self conscious about my bad acting to make the experience a good one. But I’m determined to check role play off my sexual bucket list, and I plan to do so this Halloween. Why? Well, we’ll already be wearing costumes.
“Halloween comes with built-in permission to be a little more daring, mysterious, or playful,” Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, chief sexologist at SXWA tells Cosmopolitan. She explains that a costume can create enough distance from someone’s everyday identity—whether they’re usually the responsible one, the caregiver, or the person who waits to be pursued—that they feel like they’re “allowed” to express desire. “Sometimes stepping into a character gives us permission to express a part of ourselves that rarely gets invited out to play,” she says.
And your costume has a lot to do with it. If you’re dressed as a superhero but usually shy in real life, you’ll likely feel more confident and powerful. Even if you dress as a super villain, you’ll find yourself feeling mischievous or naughty. “When you assume a character, you can let go of some real-life inhibitions or insecurities and lean into the characteristics you want to explore,” sex educator Lisa Finn says. “It can even be an opportunity to play with gender and sexuality dynamics in a way that might not usually feel accessible to explore.”
How to Do It
Finn explains that one of the easiest ways to start with a character you already know and love. For me this Halloween, that’ll be Princess Jasmine. But instead of my boyfriend being Aladdin, he’s dressing as Jafar—he’s much sexier, in my opinion. Plus, the dynamic of an evil sorcerer and steadfast princess is one that I enjoy.
“Familiar characters give you an easy starting point because you don’t have to invent a persona from scratch and instead you can simply ask ‘what would this character do?’” Finn says. This means you basically already have a built-in rulebook for how your role play character should speak, move, and interact with others.
“You could borrow a character’s signature lines for dirty talk, channel their confidence and body language, or simply put on the costume and let the fantasy take center-stage in your head,” she says. I definitely intend to tell my boyfriend his “beard is so twisted” at some point in the night.
But Dr. Berkheimer said not to get too caught up in all of the little details of the character. For example, Princess Jasmine doesn’t actually like Jafar—this doesn’t really need to be a plot line when we’re having sex.
“Think about borrowing the energy of the character and don't worry too much about a storyline,” Dr. Berkheimer says. And of course, the acting portion is actually unimportant in the grand scheme of sex. You’re there to have fun and get out of your head—everything else is secondary.
“The goal is to have fun exploring, not to deliver an Oscar-worthy performance, so allow yourself to not take it so seriously,” Finn says.
Before the Costume Goes on
Like anything new, it’s important to have a discussion before you even put the costume on. This can include your wants, needs, and of course, boundaries.
“This is especially important if your characters introduce a power dynamic you haven’t explored before, or if you’re incorporating kink or new physical sensations into the scene,” Finn says. For example, Jafar is an evil character who essentially brainwashes Princess Jasmine. My boyfriend has never been “evil” in bed, so we would have a conversation about what this actually looks like in practice.
Finn says that it’s important to have this conversation in a neutral place (AKA not the bedroom). Aside from setting boundaries and choosing a safe word—something that your character wouldn’t likely say—you should also make sure that both of you are actually into the idea and feel comfortable with the scenario.
“A costume isn’t consent to everything associated with that character,” Dr. Berkheimer says. “Agree on a clear way to pause or stop, and make room for an honest ‘That part isn’t for me’ without sulking or persuasion.”
And also set expectations for how long the scene lasts. Will it start as soon as you both put on your costumes? Will you flirt as your characters throughout a Halloween party or at home? Will you send sexts as your character? How immersive do you want the experience to be? It may not feel super sexy to discuss all of this, but when you get to the actual role play you’ll both feel better for it.
“Clear communication that happens in advance can set the expectations that help everyone feel safe enough to really let go,” Finn says.