I’m about to turn 40 and I have no children, and boy do people make assumptions about what that means. One group assumes there is a sad story behind my being childless and another faction assumes I hate kids and have enthusiastically made the choice to be childfree.
They’re both wrong. I love kids, always have done, but I’ve long known that I do not have the superpowers it takes to be a mum. The mums around me are incredible. A lot of them are single mums and I see them bringing their A-game to being chefs, counsellors, nurses, accountants, chauffeurs, hairdressers, diplomats – and that’s all just on the school run.
I don’t have those strings to my bow. I have a litany of jobs in my wake I’m happy to have half-arsed – shout out to the Bench shop in the Trafford Centre – but I wasn’t keen to add “being a mum” to the list. Besides, shonky parenting tends to make stand-up comedians and Lord knows we don’t need any more of those.
When my partner and I considered fostering, I wondered: “Surely if I’m not up to being a mum, there’s no way I can bring anything to the table as a foster carer?” Well, it turns out that being a mum and being a foster carer are a little bit like being a bus driver versus being a rally driver: they’re adjacent skill sets, yes, but specialised in their own way.
I see my brilliant mum friends stretch and bend their lives and minds to breaking point. Meanwhile, I’m treated as a hero because I take their kids out for an afternoon at a theme park. Plus I don’t have to be in any mums’ WhatsApp groups – bliss.
My partner and I have been local authority foster carers since 2021.
Some young people might be with us for only a day until they move to a more permanent situation. Often we have ongoing regular weekends with young people. Sometimes they come for a week or two’s holiday. Can I be an ambitious stand-up comedian and a brilliant and engaged mum for the rest of my life? God no. Can we be fun, trauma-informed, enthusiastic, supportive foster carers who serve great food for two weeks? According to them we are exactly that so that’s the gold standard for me.
It’s a steep learning curve being a respite foster carer when neither of you has cared for children before, but thanks to a great team around us we’ve had a blast doing it and, based on the feedback from the young people, we’ve done a pretty decent job.
I thought my not having been a mum would mean I would offer nothing to these young people and I’d end up being a daily headache for my social workers. Unexpectedly, it’s been an advantage. My partner and I were blank canvases and although we lacked experience, we also lacked expectation and we had no “mother knows best” instincts to retrain. We only know how to foster young people in the exact way that specialists have recommended. Sure, there’s some instinct in there, but if you’ve got a good dollop of empathy that will go a long way. Also, always make sure there are plenty of snacks.
The young people we encounter are no different to any other person we meet daily. They have likes, dislikes, a wealth of different life experiences, and we meet them where they are. We learned early doors that making assumptions about any young person didn’t make us care for them better, so we listen and we learn together, and it turns out that accepting that you don’t know everything is actually a pretty wise position to take.
Unlike the mums I know, we are amply supported. We have a fantastic social worker, regular training and a network of experienced foster carers around us should we need a sounding board.
We feel very lucky to have become foster carers. It feels like we’ve found something special and secret, like when you find a beautiful and quiet beach on holiday. We can’t believe more people aren’t here enjoying the views and the warm waters. Not only do we get to hang out with fantastic young people, but there have also been lots of unintended and unexpected positive consequences to being a foster carer.
I have fallen even more madly in love with my partner. Watching him being an enthusiastic and joyful man in the lives of young people is an honour. Some of the young people in our lives haven’t had much reason to believe in men or trust them.
I can’t help but smile when a young person comes to us and we’re warned that they probably won’t have much to do with my partner as he’s a man, and a few hours after they arrive they’re in the kitchen with him giggling and bonding while they bake something delicious. I’m not just smiling because I get to eat whatever they bake, but that does help.
Even after five years of fostering, I still don’t think I’d be a good mum. Being a foster carer has taught me that there’s more than one way to enrich young people’s lives and care for them.
So, if you think having kids isn’t right for you, you’re probably right. But if you love young people and enjoy their company on the good and the bad days, then you might just be a foster carer.
This week I have been…
Lusting… My partner and I went to an exhibition at the V&A about Elsa Schiaparelli, a 20th century fashion designer, and I wanted to weep because it was so beautiful. I’m in the process of getting my tour outfit made and the poor woman making it is now getting WhatsApp messages saying things like, “Can I have huge silver wings AND a visible skeleton on my outfit, please?”
I love seeing amazing artists collaborating and taking inspiration from each other’s work. I marvelled at Schiaparelli’s collaborative work with Salvador Dalí and Jean Cocteau. I will now be passing off mainlining Drag Race episodes as “artistic collaboration”.
Collecting… This year my brother and I went back to our farming roots and started to try and work the land I live on in North Wales. It’s been a steep learning curve for a couple of siblings who grew up farming sheep and cattle to move to growing veg all year round. As the weather changes and the sun retreats, it’s time to collect things.
We’re wandering the fields collecting up seedlings that we can transplant to somewhere they’re more likely to thrive and are needed, before a rabbit eats them. We’ve collected the last of the autumn veg and, like less urbanite Wombles, we’re filling paper packets with wildflower seeds ready to scatter when things warm up next year. It’s idyllic stuff, but is crucially driven by the fact that my brother and I love free stuff.
Borrowing… I got rid of Spotify at the start of the year but really missed audiobooks. I was recommended BorrowBox, an app that is linked to my local library and helps to support libraries and authors, and it’s free (told you I liked free stuff).
It’s been a game-changer. I greedily shove the yarns and tales into my ears and I’ve now borrowed and listened to over 30 books this year. Sometimes I have to wait for a book I want to become available, but I actually quite like that: the wait can make the time I have in that book’s world more precious. So, my advice is to get borrowing and start helping your local library at the same time – double smug points.
Tickets for Kiri’s new tour “Josgin” will be on sale soon. Tickets for other gigs are at www.kiripritchardmclean.co.uk.