It’s October, and we’re halfway through the semester—that time of year when college students realize those bad grades actually need to get fixed since there’s just not that much time remaining. And the rest goes something like this…
Kids call parents.
Kids have a meltdown.
Parents freak out.
Parents jump in to solve the problem.
Kids ignore solutions.
Parents call me.
Look, maybe their social life is going too well, and school wasn’t a priority. They could have underlying anxiety or depression. Maybe classwork and tests crept up on them since organization and planning were something they thought they’d attend to “later.” Whatever the headwinds, here are the evidence-based strategies I recommend parents use to counterbalance the chaos.
1. Listen and Reflect
Most students don’t need advice or solutions. They need to share how badly they feel. This goes against our parental instincts—solve the problem and eradicate their pain. The problem is, this doesn’t solve the real problem. They already know what to do; they’re just struggling to do it because of some other underlying issue. This is where hard, messy lessons occur. Instead, validate how they’re feeling. Don’t agree with them; just acknowledge how hard this time is for them. Your job: Listen and then reflect. This makes them feel heard. They are more likely to de-escalate enough that they can formulate a plan out of the trench.
2. Back to Basics
Sleep, exercise, and food. If students practice consistency Sunday through Thursday with the fundamentals, intense feelings decrease, work quality increases, and their world appears more manageable. Consistency and routine don’t get papers written and test studying accomplished, but, man, it makes all of it so much easier. When I say "encourage routine," the best way to do this is by asking what their daily schedule looks like and what can be changed to make things work better. It’s also important to become part of, and role model, routine. You can do this by having regular phone calls rather than the random texts and calls we normally get. This helps struggling students think ahead and organize their day instead of making decisions based on how they feel. If they ask for suggestions (see below about offering solutions), encourage them to give every hour a home. This doesn’t mean waking up at 4:00 a.m. and doing a thousand pushups. It means being intentional about their day and week. They can schedule time for writing a paper (90 minutes is a really good chunk of time) as well as carving out time for pickleball or hanging out with friends after dinner. It’s not about going into monk-mode. It’s about planning and attending to all the important stuff we want and need to do each day and week.
3. Schedule Regular Check-Ins
If you have ever had an employer, chances are there were regular performance reviews evaluating the quality of your contributions. We need to do the same for college students whether they are struggling or crushing it. Check-ins are not punitive oversight; they are opportunities for cheerleading the ongoing successes and realigning for the challenges throughout the semester. The worst thing for a parent is the December surprise—the semester finishes, final grades are released, and your college kiddo bombed most classes. What could have been some uncomfortable but reasonable conversation is now a heated discussion about whether they can even go back for spring semester.
4. Future Focus
I really like it when parents spend time with their college students talking about stuff other than the big, hard, scary parts of current life. It’s not that I want everyone to ignore what’s not working. It’s that at a certain point, we are no longer simply sharing our struggles but getting sucked into rumination and obsessive thinking about how bad things are, how bad things will be, and how we’ll never get out. One suggestion is to plan out a few visits for the upcoming semester (you going there and them coming home). You can also get them to help figure out some details for your upcoming winter break trip. Ask for their help figuring out gift ideas for family members. Get them involved in something other than their immediate life at school. Get their brain focused on something other than the current challenges, if only for a few minutes each call.
5. Solutions…as a Last Resort
Learning from friction is essential, but that doesn’t mean we should let them crash head-on into a wall. There comes a point where most students have legitimately tried changing things their way and realized it’s not working. When they ask for help, and I mean really ask for help, that’s when it’s appropriate to offer guidance. How can you tell what’s rhetorical and what's not? The rhetorical questions are actually masked statements like "How can I possibly manage all the stupid assignments for this course? The professor is never available during office hours, and there's nobody around to assist me." What they’re really saying is that they’re either not interested or feel unmotivated to do the work. A legit question is framed very differently, like “I'm considering dropping this class. What options do I have, and what steps should I take?”
Summary
The halfway point of the semester is no-man's-land. We’re too far from the starting line to quit and too far from the finish line to feel any relief. With structured guidance, strategic support, and the ability to process difficult thoughts and feelings, your college student can successfully move through these challenges and maybe even gain meaningful skills that extend far beyond their academic credits.