Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a dog mom going off the deep end.
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Dear Prudence,
My best friend is a terrible dog mom. Like … it’s really bad. “Jane” has an absolute panic attack whenever the dog moves, literally any movement, even indoors, even on a leash. If the dog takes a step she yells at her. She got the dog after a bad break-up where the ex left his dog with her for six months and then came back in the night and took her. She was understandably devastated, but she’s taking out her anxiety on this poor new dog in the worst way.
She thinks the dog “wants to be with her always” but in reality, Jane yells at her whenever she is more than two feet away from her side. She forces her to stay in her lap even when we’re inside. Jane won’t let anyone touch the dog or greet the dog without the person first giving the dog a treat and Jane putting her own hands and mouth into the persons hands/fingers (think when you put your hand out to let a dog know they can sniff and you’re safe), she gets on her hands and knees to show the dog that this person is “safe.” Jane also is praising the dog for growling because it’s allegedly only at people Jane doesn’t like. The dog was not abused, she had a great home and the owner passed away, then she went to a farm rescue to be rehomed. Now, Jane has taken to telling people that we don’t know if the dog was abused (we do know) so she has to be super careful (not true).
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Well, last weekend my husband accidentally told her that she’s the worst dog owner ever. She wasn’t meant to hear the comment, but she did and she’s upset. And of course he’s not wrong. I know she’s going to bring it up next time I see her and on top of all of this, I have to ban the dog from my house. Jane brought her over and my husband had a really bad allergic reaction. I almost took him to the ER. This was on the same day but after he made the comment about her being the worst owner ever.
I want to help her and she genuinely makes changes when I don’t directly tell her what to do. But when I tell her anything directly, she blows me off. I’ve had dogs my entire life, including one on my own for 14 years, she’s never had one and at this rate, she’s well on her way to having an asshole dog that can never leave the house! How do I tell her about the house ban without making her feel worse about being a bad owner?
—I’ve Had Dogs Before, She Hasn’t
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Okay, maybe she’s the most neurotic dog mom ever, but I’m pretty sure she’s not the worst. Aside from being a little smothered and having to watch his owner put other people’s hands in her mouth—which is probably humiliating for everyone involved—the dog is probably fine? Is that right?
Lizzie O’Leary: Oh fun, is this where I get to be the Crazy Dog Lady? Because you know I am! I grew up with dogs, have had them all my life, and currently have a 10-year-old rescue pit mix. You’re right, not the worst dog mom ever! We don’t want to have to play Sarah MacLachlan music over this chat and talk about truly bad dog moms. Jane is more than a little extra and I can see some ways this will go badly for the dog. But generally the LW has limited input here. Are you ready for me to nerd out as a Dog Person? And then we can address the real oopsie here, what the husband said.
Jenée: Lizzie! I’m CRYING over the Sarah MacLauchlan comment. Seriously, I laughed so hard tears came out, thinking about that song over footage of Jane making the dog sit in her lap. By the way, that sad commercial used to upset my good friend and former roommate (a big cat person) so much that we had a whole routine where she would cover her eyes and ears and I would jump into action to make it go away.
But yes, I’m ready for you to nerd out as a dog person. Go for it!
Lizzie: Will this dog have emotional issues? Yeah, probably. Jane is making it a clingy weirdo.
But in the annals of rescue dogs, that’s sort of standard. For the first few months after adopting Mara, she would not let me go to the bathroom alone. Anyway! I think most of this stuff is not anything the LW can do anything about. Weird dog = fine. Dangerous dog = not fine. The fact that the dog is growling (and Jane is praising it) seems problematic. Not in and of itself—a dog that is growling is telling you something—and better to growl than bite. But still, not ideal. I think that it would probably be good for this dog to work with a trainer (who would of course be training Jane too). But it sounds like the whole “worst owner ever” comment may have torpedoed some trust here. And none of my answer deals with the allergy question!
So … I think the LW has to … wait until Jane brings up bringing the dog over for a visit and say “oh so sorry but Fluffy triggered husband’s allergies …” and maybe there is “oh btw I noticed Fluffy growls and here are a few great trainers we’ve worked with…?” But this is messy now because of the overheard remark. Is there a way to fix the mess?
Jenée: I didn’t know Mara was that intense when you got her! I can’t believe this is the same dog who was patiently letting your son’s kindergarten classmates smother her outside the school recently. Anyway, I don’t know a lot about dog ownership so I appreciate the insights.
When it comes to the “worst dog ever” comment, since Jane definitely heard it and we know she’s upset, I think the letter writer has to address it head on. Something like this “Hey, I want to apologize on behalf of Dan for what he said. There’s really no excuse for talking about you behind your back and I completely understand why you’re upset. I think what was behind his comment was a worry that all you’re doing to protect and care for Milo might have unintended consequences for his behavior. But I’m pretty sure our family has lost standing to weigh in on that and I know there are plenty of trainers you can contact if you decide you want input. Totally unrelated, Dan had a horribly allergic reaction after you were over, so we are probably going to have to make our home dog-free. So hopefully we can all get together outdoors from now on. And I’ll make sure we keep any pet related opinions to ourselves.”
Thoughts?
Lizzie: See you didn’t even need my crazy dog lady thoughts because your answer was so much better! That’s why YOU are the advice columnist. LW, do what she says. She’s smart.
Jenée: I mean I actually didn’t have a real sense of how bad the dog owner behavior was so I’m glad you validated my uneducated assumption. I get the feeling that it’s kind of like parenting, where what one person does in the interest of being nurturing and protective can look to someone else like coddling and doing the child a huge disservice that will prevent them from functioning.
So the bottom line is that none of this stuff is bad enough to destroy a friendship. You don’t have to like it, LW, and your critiques probably have a lot of validity. But this isn’t something you need to fix. And taking the “I wouldn’t make the same choice but it seems to be what’s working for her right now so I won’t interfere” approach is a really good thing to practice, whether we’re talking about a relationship or a job or an animal.