Family Issues Coming Up for the Holidays? What to Do

I know. You have booked your holiday vacation flights, train seats, or hotel rooms to lock in rates and are wondering how the hangout with family will go. Whether you are single or partnered, there may be tough emotional terrain for you, solo or together, to navigate. Next step? Consider what the classic family therapy theories have to offer.

Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory

In short, Bowen taught us that family patterns get handed down from one generation to the next. He believed that family members need to interact with each other with a combination of intellect and emotions, where intellect rules. In his eyes, members should not be overly emotionally reactive with each other and are asked to consider where they learned their patterns of interaction. A son who is strongly bonded with his father may be looking to be emotionally bonded to his own son to the exclusion of his daughters. A pattern is being repeated.

Drawing a genogram (a modified family tree) is one way to look at what is going on. In the genogram, look for connections that are fraught and see if you can free yourself from any unhealthy interactions. Be careful, though, as some family members may want more of a feeling response.

Virginia Satir’s Experiential Family Theory

Are you much more into feelings and clarifying communication? Satir is for you. She believed that anything can be talked about between family members: hurts, fears, hope, etc. Repressing feelings will increase anxiety and lower self-esteem. People should be able to express what they feel using “I” statements and then be able to hear and respond to the feedback in a non-defensive manner.

Clear communication, where the physical and verbal communication are aligned, is the goal. Be careful, though, because some families do not want open communication and may feel threatened by too much “stuff” being put out there.

Salvador Minuchin’s Structural Family Therapy

Finding yourself pulled into family conflict? A sibling and a parent are going at it, and you are jumping in between? Consider focusing on boundaries.

In this theory, a boundary should be around the different subsystems (parental subsystem and child subsystem), and crossing into another subsystem inappropriately is discouraged. You should not listen to a parent run down your sibling; that would be a boundary violation where you are being triangulated or caught between your sibling and parent.

Recognizing boundary crossing and triangulation and getting yourself out of sticky situations by refusing to participate is the goal. Be careful, though, as the forces pushing family members into each other may be unhappy with your extricating yourself.

David Epston and Michael White’s Narrative Therapy

Take time to ponder what the identity of your family is. Are you a chaotic family? A distancing one? Or a closely knit one that does not allow a lot of individuation?

Consider if you want to rewrite your own narrative or try to rewrite your family’s narrative. You may be seen as the big (or little) sister and always be treated that way; you can try to assume a more equal status in adulthood and not fulfill a role that fits a family narrative. Of note, if you are distant from your sibling(s), your children may think it is okay to be distant from each other.

Think about what you would like the relationships to look like and re-narrate where you want to go with your family. Be careful, though, as other family members may have different visions of the future.

Dealing With the Past, the Present, and the Future

These are bird’s-eye views of family therapy that need to be tailored for you and your family. Multiple readings and YouTube videos are available to dive more deeply into each of these theories. Depending on you, your approach can focus on the past (Bowen), the present (Satir and Minuchin), and/or the future (Epston and White). You can also have a dollop of each as you circle the family turkey before carving it up.

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