When Gender Bias Limits Safety for Survivors of IPV

I was standing over the hot stove. A filet of swordfish was crackling in the skillet. The smell of crispy-fried skin filled the kitchen. At the time, all I was thinking about was dinner.

Then, a loud bang nearly knocked me off my feet. “Open this damn door!” her voice shrieked from across the apartment, but I already knew who it was. She was back.

In my panic, I somehow managed to shut off the burner without falling into a pan of scalding hot oil and fish. Then, I navigated my way at top speed through the kitchen and into the living room, dodging furniture, rugs, and the cat - probably looking like an athlete through an obstacle course.

The banging continued; it grew louder. By the time I was at the door, her demands for me to open it were turning into threats. “Open this door, or you'll see what happens!" The wooden frame shuddered with each blow from her fist. My heart pounded along with it. I thanked my earlier self for having the foresight to install a deadbolt, though I never expected it to be so useful.

With trembling hands, I grabbed my cell phone. My fingers could barely dial. My mind had to stop and remember the numbers 9-1-1. At that moment, even basic things seemed like quantum physics. I also ignored the 'emergency call' option on my locked home screen. You know, the annoying one you have to swipe away because you didn't mean to pull it up? Because you're never actually in an emergency… until you are. It didn't even occur to me to use it. Instead, my shaking fingers fumbled through the options to unlock my phone, opening the touchpad and dialing the numbers 9-1-1. It was like one of those nightmares where you have to run, but your legs move in slow motion. Everything I did felt like it was taking an eternity.

My mind was racing. Someone on the other line was asking me questions, way too many questions. The banging echoed against the walls. My chest was tight. The wooden door was cracking under pressure. “It’s my ex,” I breathed into the phone, “She’s trying to break down my door! Send help.”

But rather than immediately send help, the dispatcher on the other line was confused whenever I used female pronouns. They kept hesitating, asking for more information. Meanwhile, the door kept cracking. Their hesitation was a move that could have cost me my life.

Biases About Who Can Be a Perpetrator Can Limit Safety

While LGBTQ acceptance becomes more widespread and victims from this community have begun to feel more comfortable reaching out for help to escape intimate partner abuse, progress is slow. Recent laws aim to protect partners from intimate violence without regard to gender or sexuality, but negative biases can still corrupt an individual’s perspective. Sometimes, those individuals are the ones in a position to end an abusive situation, and their biases can be deadly.

Members of the LGBTQ community face a situation many marginalized groups face today called minority stress. This added burden comes from various stressors linked to being part of an underrepresented or stigmatized minority. The lack of protection from laws and unequal allocation of resources leaves them less protected in society simply because of who they are. It attacks their very identity. These concerns can create a painful dilemma: I need help, but what happens if the people I turn to don't understand my situation?

That concern isn't necessarily unfounded. Research has documented that LGBTQ+ survivors can encounter stigma and barriers when accessing domestic violence services, including concerns about discrimination, lack of LGBTQ+-specific resources, and providers who may not understand the dynamics of their relationships¹.

All Survivors Need Support Regardless of Gender and Sexuality

LGBTQ+ survivors deserve responses that recognize their relationships without requiring them to explain or defend their identities first. And professionals don't have to know everything about every LGBTQ+ experience to provide a compassionate, appropriate response. They simply need to start with the same place they would start with anyone else: Assess the danger. Listen without assumptions. And help the person get safe.

Excerpted, in part, from my book Invisible Bruises: How a Better Understanding of the Patterns of Domestic Violence Can Help Survivors Navigate the Legal System.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or abuse, or are concerned about your safety after leaving a relationship, support is available. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), or visit thehotline.org. Find a therapist in the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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