‘Love bombing’ in LA: Dating ritual with a sinister twist

“Love bombing” is where one person in a relationship manipulates the other to create an emotional dependency. It’s a dangerous trend in dating.

And in superficial LA, unfortunately, it’s a big trend.

On a recent evening in Santa Monica, I stumbled across what seemed like a marriage proposal.

A pink carpet lined with rose petals and candles led to a makeshift dais. Within the heart-shaped backdrop behind the platform was a neon light contorted into the text of a Spanish phrase. 

A young man handed a young woman flowers. They kissed.

Were they getting married? No. 

The sign in Spanish read: “¿Quieres ser mi novia?” 

That means: “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Yeah, I know. This is insane. This is overkill. 

And I hate to say it — but it’s a sign of love bombing. 

A love bomber makes the object of their affection feel so loved, to such an extreme degree, that their boundaries come down. 

If you’re the target, you become the center of their universe, and then, big surprise — they become the center of yours.  

Research tells us it’s used to gain control.

And it often happens at the beginning of a relationship. Like, when you define the relationship — and ask her to become your girlfriend, ahem, novia.

What are the signs, you ask? Over-the-top proposals are just one example in a litany of them. They include constant communication, discussions of moving in together, and gestures that are not proportionate to how long you’ve been acquainted.

Conversely, with genuine interest, they do like you, and there is authentic sharing to see if both people are in alignment.  

But real connection takes time. All-night conversations don’t count. Emotional intimacy is not acquired overnight.

Meanwhile, love bombing crashes and burns quicker than you even know it.

Love bombers will turn very harshly on you, even harder than they worshipped you. They quite often turn to cheating, lying and gaslighting.  

Then, when things deteriorate, they can suddenly get truly toxic. They attack, project, demean, and ridicule — and all this animosity is on you, when last week you were on the highest of pedestals. 

That’s the thing about being on a pedestal. From the top, there’s nowhere to go but down.

Women know, espeically in LA. I asked around. Leslie said: “Yes, it has happened to me!”

Zoe says, “Right there is the pattern of narcissists. Love bomb, then ridicule and demean. The goal is to control you.” 

Zoe’s been there. 

Erin says: ”I married it. Now after 25 years in, I got therapy. Now I live my life and nothing someone does or says makes me sad. I do me, I travel with girlfriends, lunch with friends and I live my life as I please. Still married, and he’s tame now. I broke the fool.” 

Good for Erin.

Terri says, “Mine was textbook. He checked that exact list in almost 20 years together. He brutally discarded me for a younger, trashier gal (as all mutual friends described), but karma caught him and he died 10 years after our divorce.”  

Ouch.

Then, lastly, Christine summed it up when she said, “Women need to hold themselves to a higher level — I’ve never had a guy pull this s*** on me and never will!”  

Wise woman.

These ladies learned from experience. But is there an easier path to knowledge, without broken hearts along the way?

Hence, my warning. Parents, if you have a teen daughter, let them know about this dynamic so they can keep a look out for unhealthy relationship prospects — not to mention beachside relationship proposals. 

They might save themselves from years of heartache.  

Common red flags to look out for are grand gestures, big spending, and wanting you to meet their families. Too soon.

For most of us, it’s a game of live-and-learn. We grow and heal. We move on. Sometimes we’re often likely single for a much longer time.  

And life just might be that much sweeter because of it.

As my pal Jessie says, “If it feels like a movie montage in week one, it’s probably not sustainable.”

Best of luck out in the jungle, my sun-kissed goddesses! Follow your heart, and not the glitzy rose-lined candles to the photo op. 

Liz Angeles is a massage therapist who runs the top-rated Just What You Knead in Santa Monica.

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