If your sex life feels about as inspired as white rice and chicken (hey, no hate to the bodybuilding community), you’ve come to the right place.
A bout of boring sex is a very normal experience for people in long-term relationships, Missouri-based, ASSECT-certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, LCSW, CST, owner of Sankofa Sex Therapy, tells Cosmopolitan.
For some, it's the closeness that cockblocks eroticism. “Desire requires mystery and adventure. While security, safety, and predictability can sustain relationships, they don't necessarily foster the excitement that helps desire bloom,” she says.
For others, a timeline marked by internet slop, robot takeovers, genocide, and extreme weather emergencies squashes any libidinal pull toward sex—and the creative chutzpah required to keep it exciting. And that’s to say nothing of financial stress, medication side effects, hormonal shifts, and other libido-lowering realities pleasure-seekers have to contend with no matter the state of the world.
And still others have been together so long that they know what works and haven’t branched out from their true-and-blue badabing, badaboom boning habits because, well, the ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ mentality has gotten in the way.
No matter what's causing your Boring Bedroom, there is no reason to panic at the disco. “A sexual rut is not necessarily a bad thing,” says Blaylock-Solar. “It does not mean that you're no longer sexually compatible, that your relationship is failing, or that you've lost attraction to your partner,” she says. Phew.
In fact, a case of the bedroom blahs actually gives you hella intel. “A sex rut is a sign that the current sexual scripts [in your relationship] have run their course, and aren’t novel enough to bring excitement,” says Blaylock-Solar. Basically, sexual boredom tells you something about what you no longer want—plus, gives you a little kick in the rear to figure out what you do want now.
Ahead, sex experts share six things to try to take your sex life from boring to banging…literally.
1. Start With a Conversation
Wanting to try something new doesn’t mean the sex you’re already having SUCKS—and ideally, your partner(s) knows that, too. Being brave and (kindly!) suggesting asking for an addition or substitution to your go-to sex menu may be all you and your partner need to kick-start a little conversational ping-pong about what you’d each like to try.
If you and your partner are already comfortable talking about sex, go ahead and use your go-to opening line. Otherwise, Blaylock-Solar suggests bringing up the topic outside the bedroom and sandwiching your desire for change between reassurance and curiosity. “Make it clear that you’re simply looking to explore something new together as a way to connect,” she suggests.
Altogether, making it sound like a brainstorm in the name of mutual satisfaction, and not a performance review, might sound like:
- I love how connected I feel to you when we try new things in bed, and I’ve missed that. Are there any sex acts you’ve been wanting to try, or have been missing?
- There’s no question that our go-to moves work! But is there anything different you’ve been fantasizing about that could be fun to try together?
- We’ve gotten pretty damn good at knowing exactly what works for each other. Want to throw something new into the mix next for shits and gigs?
2. Read or Listen to Audio Erotica Together
The brain, as the saying goes, is the largest sexual organ. And if yours could use a little stroking, consider calling on erotic material. Whether consumed via the page (i.e., smut) or your earbuds (i.e., audio porn), this freaky fodder has been shown time and time again to get the proverbial engine revving.
If you’re already a regular visitor to A03, the emporium of smut, you might ask your partner for consent to send a saucy screenshot, suggests Philadelphia-based ASSECT-certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker Melanie Greenberg, LCSW, CST, MEd, founder of Pulling Threads Therapy.
“You might express that reading about a certain act makes you intrigued about trying it together,” she says. “If you like the way the characters talk to one another, let your partner know that you’d like to be talked to in that way,” she says.
You could also invite your dearly beloved to listen to a story from an audio erotica platform like Quinn, Dipsea, FrolicMe, or MagicWave. One option is for each of you to select a particular story for mutual listening; another is to browse the options, perhaps together, taking turns holding the phone and thus having the final say.
No matter your approach, periodically hit pause to talk about what is—or very much is not—doing it for you. This in-the-moment dialogue will help you both remember that the story can be a jumping-off point, but is not carte blanche to try it IRL.
3. Tease Each Other With Temperature Play
Forgive the impulse to quote Nelly, but is it getting hot in here—or is that just temperature play in action?
For the unfamiliar: Temperature play is a form of erotic sensation play that involves utilizing warmth and cold (duh) to stimulate your nerves in new, often arousing ways, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, and associate director at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in West Palm Beach, Florida.
While temperature play is often relegated to the bedrooms of BDSM practitioners and the kink-curious, she says it’s actually one of the most accessible ways for anyone to shake up their sex life. After all, all you need is a little ice…
For instance, you could take a sip of warm or ice-cold water before using your mouth on your partner’s body, she says. Or, “you could wrap your hands around a warm teacup before stroking your partner’s genitals, and then wrap your hands around a glass of ice water and offer the same stroking pattern,” she says.
Of course, temperature play doesn’t start and stop with your faucet. “You can also warm up massage oil or a sex toy by wrapping a hot towel around it or cool down a sex toy by placing it in the freezer,” says Richmond. You can also experiment with warming and cooling lubricants and condoms, though word to the wise: Check the ingredients first, especially if you know your bits are sensitive to certain additives.
If temperature play becomes your jam, consider investing in stainless steel toys like the Le Wand Bow or nJoy Pure Wand, as steel conducts temperature far better than other safe sex toy materials. And if you want to turn up the heat further, there are also warming vibrators (like the We-Vibe Temp) and strokers (like the Blowmotion Warming Male Masturbator), plus massage candles designed specifically for wax play. “Just be sure to test things on yourself to make sure something isn’t too hot,” says Richmond.
4. Get Wild With a Wartenberg Wheel
As a sex journalist and sex toy reviewer with more than a decade of on-the-ground (😉) experience, I’d be doing you a disservice not to share my own personal antidote to sexual boredom: the Wartenberg Wheel.
No doubt, this spiky tool may look like a medieval torture device. But at roughly the size of a toothbrush, it’s far less menacing in practice than its aesthetic suggests. “People tend to feel a little intimidated by it because of the small spikes, but it’s actually one of the safest and most effective tools to begin exploring new sensations,” says Richmond.
The tool was initially designed to test nerve response on the skin, says Richmond. But it’s also been repurposed as a sensation-play tool because “it can deliver everything from a barely-there tickle to deeper pressure on the skin that hyper-focuses the receiver’s presence,” she says
How do you use it? Richmond suggests each partner get acquainted with the wheel on their own body before taking turns as a sensation sommelier. “This will help you understand what varying levels of pressure feel like, so you can do your best to attune to what might be best for your partner,” she explains.
Next, use it on your partner, starting with light pressure and larger, less sensitive areas like the back and thighs.“Everyone has different expressions through their nerve endings, so always ask,” she says. From there, you can experiment with different body parts and slowly increase the pressure if—and only if—that’s the direction the receiver wants to go.
As you run the wheel along your partner in crime, remember that “the goal is not to see how much you or your partner can take,” says Richmond. This is *not* an endurance test you should have to grit your teeth through (unless you’re actively into pain play, and have previously negotiated boundaries and a safe word). “Instead, the goal is only to notice what the sensation feels like, and decide if you like it or not,” she says.
While shopping, you’ll find Wartenberg wheels with one, two, three, five, seven, or even 10 wheels. Generally, fewer wheels mean a more concentrated sensation, while multiple wheels distribute pressure across a wider area, creating a broader, more diffuse sensation. A set, which usually isn’t too costly, may be a good place to start.
5. Pleasure the Perineum
Pack your bags and leave the boredom behind, we’re journeying to an often-overlooked territory: the perineum.
The stretch of skin between the front genitals and anus, “the perineum—also known as the taint—is one of the most underrated spots on the body, and everyone has one,” says Evan Goldstein, DO, a doctor in New York City who specializes in anal care, the founder of Bespoke Surgical, and the author of Butt Seriously. Frankly, that’s a travesty that deserves immediate rectification, given that “it’s loaded with nerve endings,” he says.
For people with vulvas, “the perineum is surrounded by the deeper, internal portions of the clitoris that most people don't realize extend well beyond the glans,” he says. Meanwhile, for people with prostates, “the perineum offers a no-penetration way to start getting a feel for, and stimulate, the prostate,” he says. In other words, this patch of potentially pleasurable real estate is all-inclusive.
While you could make the perineum the star of the show, Goldstein suggests layering perineum stimulation into your usual oral or hand play. “You could use your tongue, a fingertip, thumb, or the heel of your palm and apply steady, upward pressure,” he says. “From there, you might play around with slow circles, gentle strokes, or alternate between light touch and firmer pressure.”
As with basically every other Boring Bedroom fixeroo, there is no universally perfect move or pressure. So, communicate as you explore and “start soft and pay attention to how the body responds, because everyone's sensitivity is different,” says Goldstein.
6. Toss Some Salad
Turns out, sexual satiation may just be an ass eating away. “Oral-anal sex—also known as rimming—is another great option for branching out,” according to Goldstein. And no, you don’t need any previous experience with other forms of anal play (i.e., anal fingering, pegging, or anal toys) to give it a whirl.
“The anal opening is packed with nerve endings, so it can feel incredible to have it stimulated with a warm and wet mouth,” he says. And because rimming keeps the action more or less external—unless, yanno, you’re part amphibian—it can feel like an approachable option for pleasure-seekers whose interest is piqued by peach play, but who aren’t ready for or interested in penetration.
To answer the question before you ask: No, you’re not likely to wind up noshing on dookie. Fecal matter is stored higher up in the body in the rectum. So, “you don't need an elaborate prep routine; a regular shower beforehand is typically all it takes,” says Goldstein.
That said, rimming can transmit certain STIs and intestinal infections, so you might consider adding a dental dam to the menu, he says. Pro tip: Add a squirt of water- or silicone- lube to the skin-facing side of the dam to reduce the uncomfortable drag of latex-on-skin while reducing risk of breakage.