My Brother Wants to Visit With His Family. But an Unwelcome Guest Is Threatening the Whole Trip.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My mom and I are passively estranged. There was no big fight or ultimatum. After a lifetime of trying to convince my neglectful, emotionally distant, and cruel mother to participate in my life, I just hung up the phone one day and decided I was done trying. She never asked why I stopped calling or tried to reach out. About two months after that initial decision, I spent my 30th birthday camping, and when I got cell service, my phone blew up with sweet texts and voicemails from friends and family, and one text from my mom saying “Happy birthday.” This juxtaposition really reinforced for me that I have plenty of other folks to share my life with, and I don’t need to keep chasing a fantasy. I never called her again, and she never called me either.

Now it’s been almost seven years. My brother, whom I love, would like to visit with his wife and 6-year-old. I was so happy to host them, but I just heard the news that my mom would like to come too because “she wants to be present for the first time her grandson sees snow.” (I think this is a narcissistic reaction to my brother choosing to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas in Florida with our dad instead of up north with her.) I was really looking forward to this visit, and now I feel anxious about it.

I will not have to insist that she is not invited to stay with me. She’s planning to get her own hotel room and make her own plans with my brother’s family, and completely ignore the fact that we aren’t speaking or that I live here too. A decade ago, she “visited me” in the state where I live. She and her husband stayed two hours away and let me know I could drive up to join them for their plans.

My brother’s relationship to her is different from mine, although he understands what she’s like. Her doting grandmother schtick has been inconsistent, but my nephew knows and likes Grammy enough that my brother is letting them have a relationship until if/when he has a distinct reason to cut her off. I feel like a confrontation is finally approaching. Do I ask my brother to let her know she isn’t invited and that they’ll do something another time? Do I reach out to her and say, “Hey, I know you aren’t planning to interact with me, but your very presence on the periphery of this experience is reopening old wounds precisely because you seem to care about family except where I am concerned, so please just find any other week of the year to spend with your grandson”?

—Not the Golden Child

Dear Not the Golden Child, 

That script is perfect. There is no reason for you, of all people, to have to facilitate an opportunity for your mom to watch your nephew build a snowman. It doesn’t make any sense. On top of being painful for you, that experience would ruin your time with your brother. And your connection with him is especially important given your estrangement from your mother.

Whatever her reasons, the way she has treated you is extremely painful. Putting your foot down here can be your way of giving yourself a little bit of the love and care she really should have given you your whole life. You say you “just heard the news” that your mom would like to come too, so I assume your brother is the one who let you know. So respond directly to him (no need to speak to your mom) by saying, “I know you said Mom wanted to join for your visit, but that’s not a good idea. My relationship with her is a source of a lot of pain for me, and I’m not comfortable with potentially running into her. Can you plan to see her another time?”

I’m sure he is interested in the idea of combining the two visits so he can check off seeing her and enjoy the holidays with his in-laws again. But he’ll have to figure out another way. You don’t have to give up the peace that comes with distancing yourself from her just so he can avoid a conflict.

Dear Prudence,

My sister is a working actress who has gotten some small parts but never anything major. Our parents still support her despite her being five years older than me. I got engaged, and we budgeted to give her $5,000 for flights, food, and fashion for our New Year’s Eve wedding in our home state.

My fiancé, I, and all our families live in a driving range, except for my sister and some random relatives. She was supposed to be my maid of honor. She has gotten a fairly minor/possibly major, role in a movie, and it is overseas. I understand her not attending my wedding and am even happy for her getting her big break.

But she already spent the money we sent her. My fiancé is furious, and I want to cry and throw something. We are paying for our wedding ourselves, and this was a huge sacrifice we made to have my sister here. She “promised” to pay it back and then got pissy when I called her a liar and asked what the payment schedule was going to look like. My fiancé is mad as all hell and wants to make it public, but I know my parents will be embarrassed and want to pay us back, but they live on a limited budget. I feel so sick, and I don’t know what to do. Help!

—Wedding Date

Dear Wedding Date,

Wow, that was extremely generous of you and really speaks to how much you wanted your sister to be present at your wedding. You obviously love her a lot! She’s promised to pay the money back, and for now, you can leave it at that. Explain to your fiancé that you refuse to let a conflict over this ruin a special time for you. Agree to try your best to forget about the $5,000 and enjoy your wedding. Then, after the honeymoon (and hopefully after some kind of payout for the role or a bigger one!), follow up about setting up that payment schedule.

🥧 Send Prudie Your Wildest Holiday Story! 🥧

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Dear Prudence,

I’m privileged to have access to remote, long-term therapy once per week. The remote aspect works well for my schedule, but I don’t have much choice anyway, since it’s the only option my insurance covers. My issue is that my partner is usually around during my video call sessions.

I stay in the bedroom with the door closed, and they get home halfway through my session and slam the front door (not their fault—our old building has settled weirdly, making this unavoidable), and then I can hear them eating or doing things around our small apartment. It pulls my focus at a time when I really wish I could just concentrate on myself. They tell me they listen to music with headphones while I’m in therapy, so they can’t hear me. I believe them, but it just feels weird to have them around, especially when I’m talking about our relationship. There’s no other place I can go to do therapy, either. Usually, I wouldn’t police when they come and go from our home, but this feels like a special case. Am I justified in asking them to stay out of the house while I’m in therapy and for a little while after, so I can decompress? How can I go about asking this of them?

—Mental Health Time

Dear Mental Health Time,

I’ll throw out a potential practical solution: Connect headphones to your computer for your session, place a white noise machine by the door to your room, and play some background music or nature sounds in the living room. That could potentially muffle sounds enough to give you a sense of comfort.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, asking whether you’re “justified” in requesting that they stay or can “police” their presence probably isn’t the best way to frame things—when it comes to this and any other relationship question. Searching for rules about who can do what is never too helpful. Instead, in an ideal situation, you and your partner both want to be considerate of each other and are each willing to stretch a bit to make the other happy.

So yes, have a conversation about this. But don’t go into it planning to announce a new rule. Instead, talk to them with the goal of explaining why, despite their assurances that they can’t hear anything, you still crave more privacy; learning about how avoiding the apartment for this hour would affect them (would it force them to spend money on eating dinner out? Would their cat miss a feeding time? Or could they easily schedule their weekly Trader Joe’s visit for this time or attend a happy hour with colleagues, if they understood how important it was for you?); and if it turns out not coming home would be a massive inconvenience, exploring whether you really don’t have any options outside of your bedroom. (If you have a car, could you sit in it and connect to the Wi-Fi? Could you book a study room at a local library for the day? Would your therapist be open to having the session over the phone while you take a walk? Would it be possible to push the appointment up by 30 minutes, or do it in the morning and then work a little later to make up for the lost time?)

If none of that feels workable, this would actually be a great topic to explore with your therapist (in the first 30 minutes of the session, before your partner gets home, of course).

Classic Prudie

My second wife has always gotten along well with my kids from my first marriage. Since our marriage, she became a typical mom who cooks healthful meals, frets over safety, and plans fun activities. However, I overheard her whispered telephone conversation with her mother about how she never really loved my kids.