I went to South Korea for a major glow-up. Men are having a very odd reaction.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I’m a woman who was born with a very long, androgynous, “horsy” facial structure.
From kindergarten through high school, I was bullied for my appearance. From 18-21 I was on dating apps without getting a single match. I was never hit on in real life either, and was turned down by the few guys I got brave enough to ask out.

At 21, I gained control of a trust fund my grandmother had left me, and wasted no time getting a rhinoplasty and double jaw surgery in South Korea. I could not be happier with the results. I lost my virginity before I was even fully healed, and with my now smaller, cuter, more feminine face I have had no trouble getting dates since.

But twice now I’ve gotten serious enough to see a long-term future with a man, and not wanting to have any major secrets between us, I’ve confessed that I had extensive cosmetic surgery. Both times they wanted to see my old photos, then when I showed them, they broke up with me shortly after.

Both tried to play it off as high-mindedly questioning my character for altering my appearance, but I have trouble believing that first of all they wouldn’t have dated me in the first place if I hadn’t, and second of all they seemed to love my character up till then. Were they just grossed out or turned-off by the knowledge that I used to be so unattractive? Were they maybe worried about having kids with my genetics? What is the right time in a relationship to disclose something like this?

—Surgical Swan

Dear Swan,

You’re probably correct that these men were dishonest when they said their concerns were about your character. That reminds me of a theme in episodes of my comfort show, MTV’s Catfish: On that show, whenever a man learns that the woman he’s been long-distance dating has been using someone else’s pictures and is not as conventionally attractive as he believed she was, he suddenly claims to have deep concerns about her integrity. But it’s pretty clear to everyone watching that if she’d lied about everything other than appearance, he would have found it in his heart to forgive her. So, yeah. These guys are disappearing because of the way you looked pre-surgery, because they feel that it somehow devalues your attractiveness or they worry about how their children will look. That’s unfortunate, but it’s their right to break things off if the before and after pictures leave them feeling different about you. And I suppose that if you couldn’t embrace the way you looked before surgery, it’s not really fair to expect anyone else to.

You can accept this while also protecting your time and energy. Send the materials before the first date. There is someone out there who will admire your surgeon’s work, congratulate you on your glow up, and still be just as interested in you. The more efficiently you move past all the other men who aren’t a good match, the sooner you’ll find him.

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I live on my parents’ farm with our 8-year-old daughter. My mom seriously hurt her back a few years ago and my dad is generally slowing down, so we get a small salary plus room and board working on the farm. We also work our own part time jobs. Every summer, my boyfriend and I take a vacation with our daughter. Usually, we go somewhere for a week, like to the beach. This year, my boyfriend wants to take a week-long Christmas trip as well and go to a glamping site.

The problem is that I don’t want to leave my parents alone on the farm for that long in winter. There are places on the farm that are not safe for someone who has problems walking or balancing. Like how the chicken houses are down a sloped path that is fine in summer when the ground is dry, but gets very muddy and slippery in the winter. They have to open every morning and close up every night. Last year, my dad skidded going down on the ATV and flipped over. He was only OK because my boyfriend found him and was able to lift it off him. In the winter it’s still pitch black and cold at 9 a.m. and the sun starts going down at 5 p.m. I’m really worried my parents will hurt themselves. My dad still tries to do everything himself and if he has a fall, my mom wouldn’t be able to help him.

So I said, no, it’s a bad idea, and I don’t want to go on a Christmas trip. My boyfriend is really working on it with me. He says we owe it to our daughter to give her a nice vacation. I’m angry that he’s really gotten her hopes up even after I said no and explained why. He says my parents can just hire someone for the week. My dad says that would be a waste of money and he can handle things for a week without us. Mom is already planning to have Christmas with my brother’s family since we won’t be here. Everyone assumes I’m going to give in and say yes eventually. No one is listening to me.

—No Christmas Trip

Dear Christmas Trip,

It sounds like you’ve committed to caring for your parents for the long haul. With that in mind, you might want to think about making the trip now, while you’re just dealing with worry about a possible slip and fall or ATV accident. Because years from now, illness or aging-related issues that actually demand 24-7 care may really make leaving for a week impossible. So go glamping while you can! There is room for compromise or a creative solution that could make this happen. If your dad doesn’t want to spend money to hire someone to help around the farm, why don’t you propose to your boyfriend that you two should cover the cost, even if that means a vacation with fewer bells and whistles? Could you outfit your parents with medical alert necklaces or smart watches or install cameras that could give your peace of mind? Do you have a few local friends who might each agree to check in on them twice while you’re gone? Would the farm survive if your dad agreed to skip some of the more dangerous tasks for a week? If not, and if you choose not to hire full-time help, could a high school kid in the neighborhood do some chores during the highest risk hours for a reasonable fee?

The fact that your parents, your boyfriend, and your brother all seem to agree that it’s reasonable for you to leave for a week might be a data point indicating that your intense opposition to the trip is an overreaction. Of course, it could also be that you’re the only responsible one in the family! If that’s the case, and if nothing I’ve suggested would ease your mind, maybe the new tradition has to be that you and your boyfriend take turns taking your daughter on trips.

Dear Prudence,

I grew up living next to my best friend, “Mary.” Shortly after getting married in 2021, we moved across the country for my husband’s job. “Mary” and I went from regularly communicating to only occasional contact (mostly initiated by me). I understand that friendships change, so I adjusted my expectations, but she told me she literally tries not to think about me because it makes her sad! I make it a point to see her when I am in town, but she has never come to visit me, although she has the financial means to do so and vacations often! “Mary” has asked me several times when I will move back to my home state as she misses me. How do I tell her that I’m not moving “home,” and if she wants more contact, she has to put in more effort?

—No Mary in Maryland

Dear Mary in Maryland,

She tries not to think about you because it makes her sad? That’s makes about as much sense as when my friend’s high school boyfriend suggested that during her first semester of college in a different state, they shouldn’t communicate at all because it would make the time go by faster (Surprise! They broke up by Thanksgiving). I’m not saying Mary is as sketchy as this guy was but she really doesn’t seem to have any kind of framework for long-distance friendship. If there’s nothing else weird going on—no indication that she is trying to drift away from you while saying the opposite to avoid confrontation—maybe you can help her get past mourning the next door neighbor era by offering a vision of this new phase of your relationship.

She might welcome the suggestion of a weekly phone date, an annual night before Thanksgiving tradition, and a long weekend every summer. Knowing these things are on the calendar could give her a sense of security and peace—hopefully enough that her sadness about things changing between the two of you doesn’t lead her to throw the whole relationship away. Introduce this by saying something like “I know we both hate that we don’t live near each other anymore, but since I don’t have plans to move back, I really want to figure out a plan to make sure we stay in touch and remain close.” Then, over the next few months observe whether she seems to be putting in effort or is still being standoffish. It’s possible that this is a friendship that, because of the combination of personalities and lifestyles and priorities, isn’t going to survive the distance. But because this is a close friend who claims to care about you, it’s worth at least trying to save it.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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