“We’ve had guys call us and they’re in a horrendous situation,” says Men’s Aid Ireland (MAI) chief executive Shane Kelly. Some, he says, say they have been encouraged to take their own lives by their partners, and be told “everyone will be better off without you”.
While he cannot say this has actually led to suicide, Kelly says his organisation is hearing more men talk about encouragement to suicide. It is the reason some men contact MAI, but most callers, who range in age from 18 to 80, just hope an intervention by it will improve their relationship, Kelly says.
“A lot of men won’t use language like ‘victim’ or ‘perpetrator’ – they still love their partner. Usually they are saying ‘can you help me help her, she doesn’t mean it’. It’s a desperate plea. We would say, that sounds like coercive control, but they would not hear this language in their everyday life.
“We have some very sad cases. We had a man aged 80, 40 years of an abusive marriage, he talked about being humiliated, made to feel stupid, no confidence, suicidal ideation. We have had men come in and say, ‘I’m going to kill myself, the kids are grown up, I’ve had enough.’”
MAI has existed in different iterations for about 30 years. Its latest annual report, for 2025, shows a total of 8,041 contacts with the service, including 2,876 calls to its helpline, and postal and repeat contacts. Court support is an important part of its work, and 927 court clinic contacts were recorded. It made 20 child protection referrals to Tusla.
Despite rising numbers of callers across every age group, Kelly is concerned that many other men experiencing domestic abuse do not come forward.
He cites a study, MenCallHelp2, carried out for MAI by Melissa Corbally and researchers at the School of Nursing and Midwifery at Dublin’s Trinity College Dublin.
They are overwhelmed. They’re being asked, ‘Where are you, who are you with, what are you doing?’
— Shane Kelly, Men's Aid Ireland
Published last year, it analysed 7,132 contacts during 2022 to MAI. Of those, 1,232 reported domestic abuse experiences, with about 93 per cent perpetrated by a female partner, and 85 per cent reporting more than one form of abuse.
The most prevalent types of abuse were emotional (86.1 per cent), psychological (69.3 per cent), physical (36.9 per cent), coercive control (30 per cent), parental alienation (26.3 per cent) and economic abuse (20.3 per cent).
“Men don’t come forward. The number-one reason they say why they don’t is embarrassment and shame,” says Kelly. “That’s why we want to do more awareness-raising.”
MAI has “utmost respect” for Women’s Aid and other agencies working with female survivors and trying to address “shocking” levels of violence against women. “Nothing we do diminishes their work, we’re all about the same thing,” he says.
MAI is seeing increasing numbers of men seeking protection orders against their adult children, often arising from addiction and mental health issues. “That veers into elder abuse,” says Kelly.
It also hears from young men, from 18 upwards, reporting control by their partners.
“They are overwhelmed by it. They’re being asked, ‘Where are you, who are you with, what are you doing?’” he says.
A qualified psychotherapist, Kelly says control “always comes from fear”.
It’s not about men versus women, I think victims are finally getting more recognition
— Karl Heller, retired Garda chief superintendent
“That does not excuse it. It can become very, very dangerous.”
Men are “terrified” to leave and are often advised by lawyers not to leave their home unless their life is in danger, he says. “The law does not really support men in that situation – it has to get really bad for them to leave.”
Men are more likely to leave when their children are older “or when it is so bad they believe they have to get the children out”.
Victims, whether male or female, should be protected and not forced to leave the home, he says. “It should be the perpetrator who leaves.”
There are currently no refuges for men in Ireland. MAI says it is not calling for these, but believes men should have more “safe spaces”, Kelly says. Some charities have transitional houses that can be used, and Kelly would like to see more of these being set up.
MAI has clinics in the Dolphin House court complex in Dublin and other locations including Drogheda, Trim and Galway.
Karl Heller, a retired Garda chief superintendent, who staffs the Dolphin House clinic four days weekly, was very involved in community policing and the roll-out of victim services during his policing career.
“What I’m doing is a natural progression from my work with the guards,” he says. “It’s not about men versus women – I think victims are finally getting more recognition.”
Controlling behaviour and isolation are recurring themes from service users. “That feeds coercive control – men talk about [being] restricted, or [having] no access to family members.” Some talk of being subject either to “total silence” or being “constantly put down”.
The clinic has about 500 callers annually. Heller says he saw 14 men last year who spoke of being encouraged to take their own lives.
About 6 per cent of the service users are gay men, he estimates. “They can experience higher levels of violence. The community is small and they are in fear of talking openly about their experience.”
MAI, stresses Kelly, is a “signposting”, not an emergency service, and works only with victims.
Its work also includes education on domestic violence, including free training for employers and employees on identifying and dealing with concerns of domestic violence.
Kelly believes there is a growing societal recognition that men can be subject to gender-based violence, noting callers to MAI include mothers worried about their sons, and sisters about their brothers.
The “big boys don’t cry” mentality is still very prevalent, he cautions.
Education is crucial to tackling gender-based violence, he believes. “It’s about getting into schools as early as possible and educating about what is a healthy relationship.”
Battling against toxic masculinity is a challenge. “People like Andrew Tate and similar individuals make our work harder. Men don’t stand up enough to this.”
Despite the challenges, Kelly has “great hope for change”. A father of three children, he says: “I think it is wonderful what they think is not acceptable.”
‘This has been going on 10 to 12 years’
Alan* estimates he has spent about €100,000 in legal fees since his marriage started to go “very wrong”.
His wife was drinking excessively, leading to her missing work due to hangovers, car crashes and fluctuating behaviour, including screaming and shouting at him and their children, he said. “It got so bad communication was just via WhatsApp and emails.”
Everything “came to a head” several years ago when she served divorce papers, he said. The family lived in a house bought by him before he had met his wife, but she told him if he did not leave, she would say he raped her, he said.
“My big mistake was not to go to a solicitor then.”
After an incident where he suffered an injury when she threw an object at him, he said his solicitor advised him to seek a protection order, and he did so.
After his wife alleged he raped her, which he strongly denied, the matter went to trial and he was acquitted.
Such allegations “are very dangerous for a man”, he said. “All you need is an accusing finger.”
In response to allegations by his wife of mistreatment of her and their children, an assessor nominated by his wife to prepare a report interviewed all of the family, he said.
Alan said his lawyers obtained that report, which included criticism of his wife’s behaviour and findings that the children had been alienated against him.
He has since secured full custody of one of his children, who was deemed to need therapy, but his wife would not agree to that and court orders were required, he said.
He got court-ordered access to another child, but further court applications will be necessary due to his wife’s handling of that access, he said.
“This has been going on 10 to 12 years and I don’t see any end to it.”
* Name has been changed for legal reasons
The Men’s Aid confidential helpline can be contacted at 01 554 3811 or via email at Hello@mensaid.ie