At this time, demographic data indicate that about 25 percent of the U.S. population is estranged from, or has cut ties with, a close relative at any one time, and 10 percent of the population is estranged from a parent or child in particular.
I do not know whether or not the number of these rifts is likely to rise or fall, and as far as I can tell, there is insufficient research when it comes to determining whether or not cutting off from a family member has psychological advantages or healing properties for one or more of the individuals who are involved.
What I do know is that family estrangement is tremendously painful for all parties and is sometimes accompanied by considerable emotional risks.
In my experience as a family psychologist, parent-adult child estrangement does not occur in a vacuum, nor is it usually the result of a single event or isolated interaction; it is better understood as the unfortunate outcome of a complicated relational history between generations.
I have also seen that estrangement exists on a spectrum—different individuals and families define it differently. It can range, for example, from chilly, superficial, or emotionally guarded contact to infrequent contact to a complete cessation of contact. One parent might experience a period of relative distance with an adult child as a natural and temporary (and possibly important) state, while another parent might experience this as a hostile, and potentially permanent, relational rupture.
One way or another, the empty nest stage is often when the seeds of a possible estrangement begin to be sown. And since I have been focusing on fathers in my recent posts, it is worth noting that, in my clinical experience, far more adults have experienced estrangement from their fathers than from their mothers.
With fathers in mind, here’s an example from my practice (names and some details have been changed to protect confidentiality):
Religion was a very important part of Robert’s life, and his involvement in church life was a priority for him and his wife, Arlene, as well as for his children. His eldest son, Andrew, a fine tennis player, joined the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, worked as a counselor at the church’s summer Bible camp, and eventually chose to attend a college with Jesuit roots and a strong Christian community.
During his first couple of years of college, Andrew became very involved in the campus ministry and said that he planned to be part of the university’s global mission for at least a year after graduating, a decision that was a source of great pride for Robert.
But by junior year, Andrew’s involvement in religious activities began to wane—he took a break from being a chapel worship leader and resigned his position as the chairperson for the school’s community prayer walks. When he was home on winter break, he informed his parents that he was no longer interested in pursuing mission work after he graduated. These changes became a growing source of friction between father and son, and frequent arguments about religious identity and commitment ensued.
As a result, Andrew began pulling away from his father, rarely responding to Robert’s texts, and often not returning his father’s phone calls for several days. When he did pick up the phone, his tone was cold, and his conversation was clipped.
A tipping point occurred during Andrew’s visit home on spring break when he declined to join his family for Sunday church services. Robert lost his temper and blasted Andrew, telling him that he was being an ungrateful son and an impious Christian. He angrily reminded Andrew that he was paying for his college with the goal that Andrew wouldn’t graduate with any debt, a reminder that Andrew heard as a threat to withdraw funding for his senior year.
Andrew indignantly retaliated against his father’s diatribe by prematurely ending his break and returning to college, vowing not to return home that summer and resume work at the church camp that had employed him since he was in high school. Instead, he coolly told his parents he would stay with a college friend near campus, find a job up there, and pay for senior year himself if he needed to.
So what began as a period of wary distance and verbal clashes during the second half of Andrew’s college matriculation quickly calcified into an acrimonious standoff that threatened to become permanent.
In future posts, we will examine the origins of estrangement more broadly and explore the specific forces driving alienation between father and son at this delicate, important developmental juncture.