My Apartment Building Is Becoming a Tighter-Knit “Community.” This Is My Worst Nightmare.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

For 17 years, I’ve managed to live happily in my apartment by avoiding any contact with my neighbors beyond the odd nod or grunt. Then it arrived: the creature I shall call “Pepper,” because the thought of her makes me want to sneeze.

Pepper is relentlessly cheerful, always loudly greets people, is eager to know you, and probably means well, but is clearly not good at picking up cues. I tried ignoring her and declined to answer the door on several occasions when she knocked to introduce herself. One day, she sprang out at me from her apartment like some kind of demented, trapdoor spider and shrieked, “Hi! I’m Pepper!”

“Ah,” I said, recoiling and wishing I had come equipped with bear spray.

“Yeah, I just moved in and came around a few times to…”

“Inform your neighbors that you’re on some kind of register that the courts oblige you to tell us about?” I managed to slip in but, alas, it didn’t stop her. I fled and hoped my discomfort, demeanour and general rudeness would deter further contact.

It has not, Prudie. Not at all. As the weeks turn to months, I fear they never will. Pepper remains relentlessly cheerful. She still knocks on a door that will never be answered. She hosts events and invites me and others. I don’t go, of course, but I fear it’s catching. Another neighbor, who’d been anonymous for years, greeted me the other day. gave my sternest and most disapproving glance, but the audacity still burns. I have thought of moving, but what if there are more Peppers (the horror, the horror). I don’t like confrontation, and I fear it may have a broader impact than intended, but it appears that I need to be far more direct than I have been. I have no idea how to do that, and I so resent the need to engage with her. I fear that I may be far more forceful than is kind. Any alternative, particularly one which avoids the need to talk to or encounter Pepper and also banishes her to whatever hell she came from (would burning sage work?), would be greatly appreciated.

—I Don’t Wish to Be Rude, But…

Dear I Don’t Wish to Be Rude,

I can tell by the (admittedly, very funny) way you’ve written your letter that you are aware you’re being a bit ridiculous. You seem to understand that you’re the ultimate grouchy introvert, and that Pepper isn’t actually violating social norms or your human rights by greeting you and hosting events. I don’t like confrontation either, so I understand where you’re coming from when you say you hesitate to be direct about wanting to be left alone. But if confrontation sounds even slightly less bad than being terrorized by a neighbor’s friendliness, you’re going to have to face your discomfort.

That said, you don’t have to be “more forceful than is kind.” You can use a light touch in one clear-with-a-dash-of-self-deprecating exchange in which you explain that you are not interested in chatting or hanging out. Next time she extends an invitation, you should say (to her face or in writing—whatever makes sense) something like this: “I’m going to have to pass on this and honestly all future events too. Please know it’s not personal. Any of the neighbors can tell you I have a reputation as a huge grump and hermit who likes to keep to myself and doesn’t even say hi to people in the hallways. It’s not you, it’s me! I’m glad the building has someone whose friendliness makes up for my party pooper tendencies. Enjoy the event!”

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