What Korean Can Teach Us About Envy

Have you ever watched a relative, friend, or colleague move forward while you're still figuring things out?

It's unsettling. Even if you are happy for them, you might have felt a pang in your gut. Or maybe you heard a little voice whispering, "Uh oh, you're falling behind!"

Maybe a classmate landed the kind of job you wanted. Or a cousin moved into a sweet new place. Maybe a coworker just announced a career change you've been quietly considering.

I am very familiar with this yuckiness. I admit I encounter this sensation all the time. It happens when I'm talking to a dear friend, catching up with an acquaintance, and scrolling through LinkedIn or Instagram. Even though I work with conscientious high achievers on how to build authentic confidence, it doesn't mean my confidence can't still shatter. Even though I've studied envy for the last five years, it doesn't mean I don't feel it.

Envy is a universal emotion, but we lack words

We all feel envy. We see something that someone else has, and it doesn't feel good. That's natural.

If you're thinking, "I don't envy." "I am not an envious person." I don’t need this article. Stick with me just a bit longer.

English speakers are more likely to deny or suppress this negative emotion not only because it doesn't feel good but because they don't have two distinct words for envy, as other cultures do. In Korean, for example, there is 부러움 (BOO-ruh-oom) and 시기 (SHEE-gee). These align with the two types of envy social science researchers call "benign" and "malicious." Koreans more freely express their benign envy, saying "부러워요" (BOO-ruh-wuh-yo) to elders, or "부럽다" (BOO-rup-da) to peers. It's a combination of "I envy you," I wish to be like you," and "I admire you."

These expressions become conversation starters. Recipients of such admissions are likely to respond by saying, "You can do what I did. Here is how." Or, when expressing gratitude, "I couldn't have done it if it were not for my team!"

English speakers also confuse envy with a similar but different emotion, jealousy. Jealousy is the fear of losing an important relationship to someone else. It requires three parties. For example, consider someone (1st party) who fears that his boss (2nd party) is enamored with the new hire's talent (3rd party), when he used to be her favorite employee and go-to person.

Envy, on the other hand, is simply wanting what someone else has. If you're preoccupied with the person who has what you want, maybe you wish he hadn’t gotten it, or you wish you could take that person down a notch, then you are experiencing "malicious" envy. Most people I meet are not malicious.

If you can direct your attention toward what it is that you want and away from the person who has it, then your envy is benign. It can be motivating.

Another reason why envy gets a bad rap may be because we're told we shouldn't compare ourselves with other people. However, we're wired to compare! We are social beings; we can't help but look at others to figure out how to behave, how to join groups, how not to get kicked out. We look to others to figure out who we are.

But when we compare, we're likely to pay more attention to when we fall short. And this is where it doesn't feel good. There is discomfort, pain, and annoyance. And then, because we're told not to make social comparisons, we feel guilt and sometimes even shame.

As with many negative emotions, envy is trying to tell you something important. Negative emotions like stress, fear, anger, and envy, in moderation, are tools. They're alarm bells. Anger often points to injustice. Fear points to danger. Envy reveals what we want, who we might emulate, and where to start.

So what can we do?

I've learned that if we examine our envy, it not only defuses the discomfort, but we can learn something useful for our careers and relationships. But this requires looking more closely at what our envy tells us, going beyond the tangible and considering the intangible feelings we desire. If we do this, we can use our envy to find meaningful work and deepen relationships. This is what I hope to share in this column. Stay tuned for more specifics in the next post.

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