If you’re like me, then your friends are basically your advisory council. Whether you’re considering bangs, deciding whether to take that job, or need someone to edit your Instagram caption, your friends get final say.
And for most things, you’re grateful that your friends are honest and care about giving you the best possible advice. But sometimes, when they tell you the truth about someone you’re dating, suddenly the advice doesn’t feel as great or welcome.
Sometimes, your friend will sit you down, look you in the eyes, and tell you that you’re dating a loser.
Now, I’ve been one of these people. I remember feeling like someone had just deflated me: How could my best friend in the world hate the person I’m dating? She must’ve just not known him that well, right?
But when I took inventory of all the things about my then-boyfriend I had told my best friend, I realized it was impossible for her to think he was anything but a loser.
For me, the conversation opened my eyes up to the years of awful behavior I was allowing from my partner. I’m thankful my friend cared about me enough to be honest with me. But I also understand, this isn’t always how we might feel when someone tells us our significant other is a loser.
Facing the Truth... or Not
Your friend may not specifically call your partner a loser—they might simply say your partner is “the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.” And it’s totally normal for your initial reaction to be defensiveness. This is the person you’ve chosen to spend all your time with—hearing that one of the closest people in your life thinks very poorly of them isn’t a fun feeling. But it is in your best interest to fight those feelings.
”Before dismissing your friend, you should maintain a curiosity to explore what they mean by that,” psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Eli Kraiem says. “It may be helpful to get a sense of the underlying behaviors that your friend is observing that make him feel that you are a ‘loser.’”
Even if you immediately think your friend has lost their mind, think about who your friend is: Have they ever wanted anything other than the best for you? Have they ever shared an opinion that was totally off base? If the answer is “no,” why do you think they’d start now?
When you’re in a relationship, sometimes it’s hard to make a proper assessment of how you feel. Even when you have really low lows, sometimes even sporadic good moments with your partner may make you believe like the relationship is great overall. But your friend—who’s not on the inside of the relationship—is likely in a better place to make a true assessment, based on the information you give them.
Maybe they’re seeing a pattern of bad behavior when you complain about your significant other. Maybe they’re noticing how terrible you feel after every single argument. There has to be a reason they think your partner is a loser.
“You don't have to agree with their friend,” Dr. Kraiem says. “However, if you're receiving the same message from several people independently, it may be worth reflecting on whether you need to make behavioral changes in your life.”
And if you let yourself receive your friend’s input without getting lost in defensiveness, you may actually realize that yes, you are in fact dating a loser.
What’s Next?
Being a “loser” can mean anything: it can mean your partner is rude to you, doesn’t have any ambition, or doesn’t take responsibility for their own actions. If any of these things are the case, you may just think: They can change. Be weary of this.
“A common theme in unhealthy relationships is when one partner falls in love with who they believe their partner can become, but aren't quite satisfied or content with where their partner is at in the present moment,” Dr. Kraiem says.
This is a decision you’re going to want to make for yourself. Of course, your friend’s input is welcome, but if you really want to figure out what to do, Dr. Kraiem suggests asking yourself: If this person remained exactly the same over the next 10 years, would I still want to be with them?
I know—yikes. But this is a reality check that’s going to help you move forward.
“If you've determined that you aren't comfortable accepting your partner as they are, you need to think about seeking support from friends, a mental health professional, or others to determine how you would like to move forward,” Dr. Kraiem says.
Getting out of a relationship—even one that isn’t great for us—is hard. So you’re going to need to lean on your support system to get through it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Hearing that you’re dating a “loser” is obviously not a fun feeling. But if you sit back, reflect, and realize that your friend is right, you do have the power to make a change. And yes, breakups suck—but so does dating someone all your friends think is a loser.