Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband of 43 years constantly brings up going to a “sex club.”
I hesitantly agreed, and I asked if he was OK with me having sex with another man. He said that he could not answer that question. I feel a bit let down that he did not say it would bother him. We seem to have a good sex life, but that is only my opinion. Am I way off base?
—Somewhat Concerned Wife
Dear Somewhat Concerned Wife,
One potential explanation for your husband’s answer is that he is being realistic. He cannot answer the question of whether or not he’d be OK with you having sex with another man because it has not yet happened. There is wisdom there—I frequently advise people in this column to keep an open mind when opening up their relationship because you really don’t know how you’ll feel about the situation until you’re in it.
Video from Slate
Of course, your husband’s answer to you would be unsatisfactory, even nerve-wracking, if you were extremely eager to have sex with someone else. You’d want reassurance that, even if something did come up that made it difficult for him, your relationship would be secure and you’d work through it together. That makes me think his answer instead may have been purposely evasive to stave off hard feelings. If it would be exciting for him but he knows that you are likely to want him to be jealous, he’s maybe being intentionally nonspecific so as not to rock the boat. I mean, look at your reaction: You’re bummed that he’s not bummed. And this is just the talking stage.
You see a potential problem with his lack of expressed upset, but I think the bigger issue here is his lack of communication. What exactly does he want? What does he expect to happen if you were to go to this club? Getting answers from him would make your decisions easier. It would help establish boundaries and allow you to determine whether or not you actually want to try this out. Given the lack of definitions and his strong interest in checking out one of these spaces, though, I think you have an opportunity to strongly influence how this goes.
You agreed hesitantly, so what are your hard limits? What would be the best-case scenario for you? How do you feel about being with another man or seeing your husband playing with other people? Spelling this out may help orient him and further elicit his own expectations. If yours and his align, or if you can both negotiate a compromise, go for it. But until then, I’d avoid a space like a sex club if you are hesitant. You’ll want backup, and if you aren’t on the same page as your husband, he might not be so useful as such.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
At the risk of being judged and vilified, I pose this question to you as opposed to friends and family. I got involved with an older married man a few months ago knowing that he was and had no intention of changing his situation. He told me he was looking for a female friend to fill the void in his sexual life because when his wife went through menopause eight years ago, she lost all interest in sexual activity of any kind. We eventually developed deep feelings for each other…