My In-Laws Offered to Watch My Baby, Then Didn’t Give Her Back for Six Weeks. That Was Just the Beginning.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws were THRILLED when I gave birth to their first grandchild. Not with me, I mean—they could take or leave me—but with the kid. They’re from a culture where grandchildren are prized, and they have been extremely attached to my child from Day 1. When she was a few months old, they offered to take her for two weeks so I could “relax.” Overwhelmed and tired, I accepted. Three weeks later, I was told they’d return her “when they had time,” but that I was welcome to drive 13 hours to pick her up myself (when they knew my ex and I were too poor to do so). They returned her after a total of six weeks. I missed my first Mother’s Day with her, and that was just the beginning.

Over the last nine years, she’s never been returned to me on time. Sometimes it’s weeks late, sometimes it’s hours; once they visited and said they were taking her to meet a family friend for dinner but ended up bringing her back the next morning. I thought this was over when we moved to a different country, but I agreed to let my child spend the summer with her grandparents and father. We set a specific date, together, on which my kid and her father would return. Two days beforehand, there was a minor issue with the timing, and the grandparents changed everyone’s flights to later in the week without telling me.

This was the last straw for me, and I nearly spent $2,000 going to pick my kid up myself just to make a point before a friend talked me out of it. I have made it clear that my kid will no longer be going on trips with her grandparents, and if they would like to spend time with her, they can do so when and where I can watch her and take her home with me.

Am I being harsh? My kid’s father thinks so. Her grandparents DEFINITELY think so. But I’ve spent almost a decade feeling like I’m in a Lifetime TV movie called Give Me My Daughter Back.

—Feeling Like Liam Neeson

Dear FLLN,

I don’t think I need to lecture you about nipping things in the bud in the future, as you’ve almost certainly spent the last few years kicking yourself for not setting better boundaries. You are not being harsh; you have been overly patient! Were you tackling each late return as it happened, or letting it slide without comment?

Regardless, you do need to be a little careful from here on. Grandparents’ rights are usually not a real legal issue, but depending on where you live, a history of what LOOKS like a virtual custody split and not just a series of lengthy visits can get you into trouble if their access is abruptly cut off. It’s worth looking into in your country and, if you’re at all worried, talking to a local lawyer who specializes in family law.

Quite apart from those considerations, because your kid has been spending so much time with her grandparents, it’ll be better for her if you back off a bit more slowly. My recommendation is that the two of you are a matched set going forward. You want to see my daughter? Sounds great, I’ll bring my tennis racket.

Deciding her days of solo visits are over until she’s old enough to leave under her own steam is exceptionally reasonable. As long as your daughter reports that she’s been treated well and lovingly on those visits, however, pulling back slowly and carefully (and firmly) without causing a lot of strife that she will find confusing and upsetting is the way to go.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: My Ex’s In-Laws Always Find Ways to Keep My Daughter Longer Than Agreed. Can I Cut Them Off? (September 21st, 2018).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son was at a sleepover a month ago with extremely poor adult supervision, and wound up watching The Babadook. As you can imagine, this was an absolute disaster and we’ve been cleaning up the mess ever since. You’re going to think we’re ridiculous, but we actually wound up taking him to a therapist after the first two weeks of sleep refusal and needing to spend the night in our bed and dozens of questions about death and monsters and ghosts. A few sessions actually really seems to have done the trick, and he’s back in his own bed now and looking less like death warmed over.

My question is this: Can we ask the parents who hosted the sleepover to chip in for the costs? I am fully prepared to hear “No, that’s not OK,” but I just have so much free-floating anger at the entire situation. The kids were all 9 years old!

—Angry Dad

Dear Angry Dad,

SHIT. Oh, I’m so sorry. I had a similar experience with Lord of the Flies at a sleepover as a small kid, and I know my parents cursed the other family involved for several years afterward. I grew up into a horror junkie, and even I had to watch The Babadook through the gaps in my fingers. It’s very scary! And not just monster-scary, I’d imagine it’s particularly upsetting for kids because it depicts a mother reacting to a bad situation in psychotic ways. I am mad for you.

No, you cannot ask for money. You can register your extreme disapproval, you can turn down any ongoing sleepover requests, you can journal about it, but you cannot ask for money.

I’m pretty sure you already know this, and having written this question ideally offered you the catharsis that asking them for money wouldn’t. Please know that you are correct to be angry, and that your son is going to be OK.

—N.C.

From: Dear Care and Feeding: My 9-Year-Old Watched The Babadook at a Sleepover. (November 26th, 2018).

Dear Care and Feeding,

We’re a reasonably fit family—not skinny, not obese, we mostly eat right. I cook every night. Veggies, etc. We work out together, even. But over the past year and a half, my 17-year-old son has put on between 40 and 50 pounds. He doesn’t seem to know why, and he doesn’t seem to care. I think it has to do with suddenly asserting his independence, when he got a car and a job. Suddenly he could drive out for a greasy burrito for lunch, and so forth. The doctor gave him a stern lecture at his sports physical; his girlfriend has encouraged him to eat right. But he keeps up with the sodas and junk for lunch and eating late at night. I’m a bit mad at my husband about this, too, because he eats crap and sets that example, and argues about my no soda, no sweets rules around the house.

For my part, I’m paralyzed. On the one hand, I don’t think the right response is to be That Parent—the one who talks on and on about it, insists on a certain diet, etc. With a 17-year-old, how would I even police his food? And it’s not like he doesn’t know his own size, and I don’t want him to think he’s defined by his weight. So I just keep on making our regular healthy meals and buying these healthy groceries and encouraging him in his sports. And he keeps going out to eat crap constantly. But now I’m wondering if maybe I should be That Parent. Maybe I’m failing him somehow by not … what? I’m not even sure. By not calling him fat? I’m not obese, but I’ve struggled to be about average my entire life; I don’t want him to have to fight that battle.

So, what is the current wisdom on handling weight issues with young adults? My gut tells me I have to sit back and let him adult this one out, but my heart is breaking with worry.

—Weight of the World

Dear WotW,

You’re in a difficult position, and I feel for you. It is incredibly hard to desperately want something for our kids but to not have the power to make it happen. But as the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water …

All of your instincts are correct. It is important and wonderful that you continue to set a good example by cooking meals and limiting unhealthy foods. You have spent 17 years building this example and now it is time for you to trust that, despite what you’re currently seeing, it hasn’t all been in vain.

I want to assure you that it is normal for teenagers to celebrate their newly gained independence by doing the very things that they were not allowed to do when others were in charge. I’d be more worried if you told me that your son responded to a sudden loosening of the chains of parental control by doing literally everything his parents wanted him to do. That would be weird.

Freedom is, of course, responsibility, and we tend to learn responsibility through trial and error. Try spending two hours around college frosh living away from home for the first time. They are absurd, unbridled, and nonsensical. Most of them calibrate their way back to something more reasonable within a few years. Some take longer.

Your son has all the support he needs. His girlfriend, doctor, and mother are all making their feelings known. And it’s not enough for him. And while you are certainly welcome to try managing your husband and your son at the same time, that strikes me as a one-way path toward headache and resentment. The gentler route for everyone involved is to for you to stay the course. Continue to run your home according to your standards. Pick your spots to make a gentle case for why your son might want to rethink his choices, but try to stay away from nagging or haranguing him. He will make a change when he is motivated to do so and not a moment before. And as much as you love him, you cannot make that happen for him. Good luck.

—Carvell Wallace

From: Dear Care and Feeding: Our Teenage Son Has Suddenly Gained 50 Pounds. (December 26th, 2018).

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My daughter and her friends are at various stages of the adolescence process. There are a group of them I drive regularly to various (nonsports) activities, and only one is tall enough to sit in the front passenger seat, so she is always next to me. She consistently smells extremely bad. I’ve been surviving the drives by keeping the windows open, but winter is coming, so I need another solution.