My Roommate Sold Me on a Calm, Stable Home. That Couldn’t Be Further From the Truth.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve lived with my roommate and their ailing parent for nearly two years. We all rent. The parent is verbally abusive and cruel to my roommate, who says they’ve never had a good relationship. This living situation was misrepresented to me. I was told the father was a chill older person. I was told my roommate had just left an abusive partner, but they’ve remained entangled. My mental health is deteriorating. The dynamic here brings up a lot of my own trauma. I’ve often coped with booze because the stress and histrionics is unrelenting.

I’ve wanted to move out for months, but haven’t had the courage to say so. I’m a woman in my late 30s, and I know I should be able to leave any time I want, with due notice of course. And we are month-to-month. It’s also not financially efficient to divide my time between my place and my partner’s place. And my partner is frustrated with my inability to speak up. I’m also scared to have this conversation because of the fallout. I work with my roommate, and I worry co-workers will judge me.

My roommate says they are grateful for me, and they don’t think anyone else would be willing to live in this situation and I’m a saint. I hate hearing this because it just seems manipulative. They’ve never ACTUALLY acknowledged how this could be hard on me. I have tried to express my feelings, but drop them because it brings my housemate down. I’ve been very encouraging of my roommate, offering to look into senior living options and therapists. I’ve counseled so many tearful breakdowns. I feel guilty for wanting to leave. I am putting them in a lurch and leaving them with an abusive person.

How do I communicate my plans? I want to give them two months’ notice. I’m tempted to give them my deposit to tide them over because they are kind of right that no one would want to live like this. And how honest should I be about that? Do I express how bad this has been for me?

—This Wasn’t on the Lease

Dear Wasn’t on the Lease,

You are a very kind and compassionate person. I want you to think about offering just a tiny bit of the care and understanding you’re giving to your roommate to yourself. You were misled about the living situation. You are not related to them. Your housemate doesn’t care about your feelings. You don’t want to leave them in a lurch, but you’re in a lurch, right now! Why is their well-being more important than yours? Really, sit and think about it. I hope you conclude that it’s not.

So, yes, you should move out. No, you should not let them keep your deposit. Your departure—and the need to find someone to replace you—might be the very incentive your roommate needs to find senior living options for their dad. But that’s not your problem. You don’t have to go into great detail about why you’re leaving. A simple “I’ve decided I want to live with my partner” or “I need more of my own space” is fine.

Meanwhile, instead of looking into therapists for your roommate, you should be looking for one for yourself—someone who can work with you on the idea that you deserve to be comfortable and happy and that you don’t need to tolerate being taken advantage of. Keep seeing them even after you move out, because this isn’t the last time you’ll need to do what’s right for you instead of what’s right for someone else.

—Jenée Desmond-Harris

From: Help! My Roommate Grossly Misled Me About Our Living Situation. (October 7th, 2021).

Dear Prudence,

We recently received an anonymous letter in the mail that reads as follows:

“Dear Neighbors,

Wanted to give you a heads up as you seem to be the only other white family on our block. I am working on getting the very loud Hispanic males at [street address of the house next to ours occupied by entirely renters] out or arrested. BEWARE! They are dangerous, loud, and likely trafficking drugs. Protect your family! You have been warned.

—Anon”

First things first, we are far from the only white family on the street. I also know the neighbors, unless there is someone else living there; I’ve only seen an older Hispanic couple, two Black males, and a middle-aged Hispanic man and his daughter. The loudest thing about them is a pet bird, and while I occasionally smell weed smoke, it’s legal in our state and we also smoke occasionally, so I can’t pass judgment there. I highly doubt there is drug trafficking going on from that house.

My husband thinks it’s a developer trying to use us to get the house because it’s in bad shape and can likely sell for close to $2 million. I think it could be something more nefarious and want to take the letter to the cops. However, I do recognize I have a blindspot due to my privilege as a white woman. My experience with police has been very negative from past instances of assault, and I do not necessarily feel they are the solution to all my problems. I also understand these experiences are nothing compared to the experiences of people of color with police. Despite this, I do realize that if something serious happens, the police would need to be involved and this letter could be evidence.

I am blinded by my worry that something bad is going to happen and that I could make things worse for my neighbors. Or is my husband right that there is an icky but inevitably harmless—if we don’t react to it—financial motivation behind the letter?

—Worried Wife Next Door

Dear Worried,

I have no idea whether the person who wrote the letter is a sincere racist busybody who for whatever reason hasn’t been able to find their community on Nextdoor, or if they are an eager developer. But they did want to scare you, and it worked. I also have no idea what you mean by “something more nefarious.” I can’t imagine what the police would be able to do if you brought the note to them. Also, even if it’s true (I don’t think it is) that your neighbors are terrible people who are really up to no good, what is the threat to you? That you’ll hear them while they’re being loud? That people coming by to buy drugs will create extra traffic on the street? I can’t convince myself to get worried here. Throw the note away and relax.

—J.D.H.

From: Help! I Got a Mysterious Letter “Warning” Me About My Neighbors. (September 27th, 2021).

Dear Prudence,

My friend is married to someone I don’t particularly like. We get together mostly just the two of us, but he has been invited to things that include other friends of mine or my family. One of those events was a child’s birthday party a few years ago. While there, he mocked the way one child spoke, made jokes about how another couldn’t figure out something that he deemed to be very basic, and also commented negatively that one of the children wasn’t potty trained at her age. All three incidents occurred with the children present. (I have examples of other problematic behavior, but for length, this is the most relevant.)

They’ve recently had a baby. She tells me things her husband does that make it clear he is at minimum inept as a parent and at worst outright abusive. He regularly gaslights her, and I feel that she shares his parenting issues with me as a gauge to see if what he is saying is true (that he just parents a different way, that he’s “just joking,” that she’s overprotective, etc.). So I am pretty honest with her when we talk, but I feel like addressing the birthday party behavior would put her concerns into proper perspective because multiple parties witnessed it and every single one of them saw his behavior for what it was: bullying and abusive. It was long ago, but still a very good example. Do I need to just let it go and mind my own business? But if I don’t mind my own business, is there a good way to even bring this up?

—Don’t Want to Lose a Friend

Dear Don’t,

I think you should divide these situations into two categories: things she tells you about her husband and things her husband does in your presence.

When it comes to things she tells you: If you feel she’s looking for perspective and validation about her husband’s latest behavior, absolutely give it to her. Make it crystal clear that you don’t agree with the insulting things he says to her and repeat as often as you can that you hate that she’s being made to question herself and feel insecure. Let her know that seeing her in distress and not being supported as a new mom is upsetting to you. Keep the focus on her and how she’s feeling rather than vilifying him, just because you don’t want to make her feel she has to defend him or choose between the two of you. But do listen to your gut feeling that he could become abusive, and make sure she’s aware that if she ever needs to get away (you can frame it as “if you ever need a break”), your house is a safe place.

When it comes to things her husband does in front of you: Address each instance as it happens, especially if he’s being insulting or abusive to children. “What do you mean by that?” “Wow, that’s harsh,” “I don’t think that’s true,” “You’re kidding, right?,” and “There are kids around who can hear you” are all good starts. It’s too late to go back and report on his birthday party conduct, but be ready to speak up next time it happens.

—J.D.H.

From: Help! I Despise My Friend’s Husband. (September 21st, 2021).

Classic Prudie

I am much older than my stepsiblings and half-siblings. I also had several lucky breaks that landed me financially secure at a pretty young age (plus, no college debt). My younger stepsiblings on my mother’s side weren’t that lucky.