My Friend Has Made the Same Old Gripe Around Me for Decades. I’m Sick of What She’s Insinuating.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I have two dear friends, “Laura” and “Betsy,” that I met in college many years ago. We’re now in our 60s and still pretty close. They live in another state four hours away, and I visit them periodically. They finally visited me here in my hometown for two days and we had a nice time. But on their recent visit, while we were looking at old pictures, Betsy brought up something that happened at Laura’s wedding just after college.

Betsy mentioned (once again) that during the wedding, money was taken out of her wallet, which she left in the church room where we changed into our dresses and got ready for Laura’s wedding. It was quite a bit of cash, enough to buy her own wedding dress later that week, as she was getting married soon afterwards.

This isn’t the first time she has mentioned this incident. It’s probably been every time I’ve seen her in the years since it happened. I usually say something, like, “Oh that’s right, I remember that,” but I don’t say much else. What finally got to me is that I think she’s saying it because back then, I was a poor single mom with a young toddler and probably needed the money. But I didn’t take it. And I’m sick of her bringing it up. While I feel I shouldn’t have to defend myself, it seems like I might. I’m angry and I feel like I have to say: “You know, you’ve mentioned this several times when I’ve seen you, and I feel like I need to set the record straight. I didn’t take it and I wish you’d stop bringing it up.” Do I need to do that or just keep “hmm-hmming”when she mentions it? She can be a little judgey, and I’m worried it could throw our dynamic off. I cherish her as a friend, but sheesh, hearing it is getting old.

—Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

Getting robbed is bad enough. Having the cash you’ve saved to buy your wedding dress stolen is another level worse. And having it happen while you were getting changed at a church for a close friend’s wedding is something big enough that you might ruminate on it for decades.

But that doesn’t mean she thinks you stole it. In fact, you don’t know if she thinks you stole her money, because you never asked her. It’s idea that she thinks you helped yourself to her money that is is gnawing at you.

While you don’t need to bring it up, it seems as though seeing you triggers Betsy to relive this awful moment. If she mentions it again on your next visit, you could say: “I remember. That must have been so awful for you, especially at that time in our lives.” And, then just wait and see what she says next. She might acknowledge how difficult it was to recover from the loss and scrape together enough cash to buy her wedding dress. Or, she might wonder aloud who could have taken it. If she goes there, then that’s your cue to respond, “You know, I’ve often wondered that myself. Of course, I didn’t take it, and I don’t know who had access to that room who could have taken it.” Then, you can discuss all of the possibilities. Hopefully after that, you’ll both be able to let it go.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

I am a 30-year-old married college teacher and a mother. I have recently developed a platonic relationship with one of my students. He is 19 years old and is quite smart and intelligent for his age. We chat, through Facebook mostly, about topics related to what I teach (philosophy, history, literature, current events) and we seem to have connected intellectually in many aspects. I have conversations with him I don’t even have with my husband.