My Ex Is Encouraging My 12-Year-Old to Wear an Offensive Halloween Costume

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex “Walter” and I share 50/50 custody of our 12-year-old son, “Aaron,” and alternate who has him for holidays each year. This is Walter’s year to have Aaron for Halloween, and I am furious with the costume he is allowing our son to wear.

I have no idea where he found it, but Aaron plans to go dressed as a giant asshole! Even though the costume is not 100 percent anatomically accurate, it’s abundantly clear what it is, and I am disgusted. Both Walter and Aaron think it’s the funniest thing in the world. When I voiced my objections to Walter, he said I could “piss off” and that when Aaron is with him for Halloween, I have no say in what he wears. What my son dresses as for Halloween is a reflection on me as a parent, and I am miserable at the prospect of Aaron embarrassing himself and me. Short of asking for an emergency hearing in family court, what can I do to put a stop to this?

—The Asshole Is Outlawed

Dear Outlawed,

I don’t think family court is going to have anything to say about Aaron’s Halloween costume, so you can table that thought for now. I tend to agree with Walter, unfortunately, that on “his” Halloween, he gets to make the rules, incredibly stupid costume included.

You’re worried about being embarrassed, but I don’t think you need to be. Anyone who knows your family will know that the costume is Walter’s doing and not yours. And as for Aaron being embarrassed, I’m afraid that’s just not going to happen. Kids are gross and think butts are hilarious.

I do think it’s OK though to talk to your son about why you don’t like the costume, that you find private parts offensive, and you think it’s upsetting and embarrassing to force other people to look at them. I don’t think it’ll do anything to change his mind about this particular costume, but it might stick in his head and help him make better decisions later. Like next year when he’s at your house and can be a ghost or a vampire or more appropriate human body part, like a nose, or an ear. Happy Halloween!

—Logan

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