Why Resilience Is Not a Solo Act

What do you think of when you hear the word resilience?

The number one answer is “bouncing back!” We often think of the person who keeps on going even when times are hard, or the person who gets knocked down and gets back up. They are the ones who adapt, find their way forward, and always keep it moving.

These days, resilience has become central in most conversations about mental health and well-being. We are all struggling with uncertainty, stress, change, and an overwhelming constant stream of information about what’s happening in the world. Science says that coping with difficult circumstances is an important part of taking care of ourselves.

The trouble is, sometimes we define resilience too narrowly. We focus more on whether someone can keep going and forget to ask, “How are you really doing?”

Research about resilience has raised an important question: Is adapting to difficult circumstances the same as being well?

Coping Is the Goal

Given all this is happening in the world, we have become pretty good at functioning under stress. We are able to go to work, take care of our families, meet most of our responsibilities, and continue to show up for those around us. The trouble is, just because we’re still functioning, we assume that we’re doing fine.

The issue is that functioning is not the same as doing well. To better understand why simply functioning is not enough, consider the concept of weathering, which describes how prolonged and ongoing exposure to stress often accumulates over time and negatively impacts our bodies. Weathering research demonstrates the difference between repeatedly responding to difficult circumstances and flourishing in life.

It explains why someone can be productive and dependable while also being exhausted and overwhelmed. We are generally able to adapt to unhealthy situations even when those situations are not healthy for us.

As a certified resiliency advocate, I am always cautious when resilience is presented as something people need to develop within themselves. While there are many skills that we can learn to help us manage stress, it’s important to recognize that our relationships, workplaces, families, and communities significantly influence our mental health and well-being.

My point is that the question cannot only be “How can I handle this difficult situation better?” It must also be “What is happening around me that is making life so difficult, and what support will help me get through it?”

It’s OK When Life Is Hard

Let’s be clear. I’m not saying resilience means we should create a life of ease. Without discomfort, we would not grow. It’s an important aspect of life to have that difficult conversation, try something new, or make that challenging decision.

Having said that, recent work on resilience suggests that we “microdose” discomfort into our lives regularly. So, rather than avoiding challenges altogether, we should practice experiencing small amounts of discomfort designed to help us build confidence to get through challenges. The goal is to put ourselves in minimally stressful situations, such as putting our phone away, speaking up in crowds, or trying something new.

The distinction is that there is a difference between a little healthy discomfort and ongoing chronic stressful situations. For example, learning to have a difficult conversation is very different from learning to tolerate a toxic relationship. Becoming comfortable with change is not the same as staying in a harmful situation. One builds your muscle while the other tears you down.

In the End, We Still Need Each Other

So, how can we get through challenging times? One important protective factor is having access to social connections. Connections help us get through challenging times and provide the support that we need.

Connection is not simply access to people. Real connection requires relationships where we feel seen, known, supported, and like we belong. Examples include a community gathering, sharing a meal with someone, or just meeting a friend for coffee.

When we talk about resilience as though it is built inside of a person, we are forgetting about how protective factors support us during difficult times. For many of us, our relationships are part of how we get through the tough stuff. When we are feeling overwhelmed, having someone to call changes our experience. When we need to feel grounded, a community gives us a sense of stability. Just knowing that people will notice our struggles makes it easier to ask for help.

While resilience is very personal, we rarely practice it alone.

Can We Touch Resilience?

Resilience means a lot of different things to different people. For some it means getting through; for others it means asking for help. The key is to know what your skills are and when you need to focus on building new ones.

We don’t want to focus on “How resilient am I?” but rather, “What is helping me stay healthy?” or “Who can I turn to?”

In the end, resilience is not about how much we can handle. It’s really about what we’re doing to take care of ourselves, how we connect with others, and whether we are in situations that allow us to thrive.

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