When You Ask 'Who Am I?' Forgiving Can Change Your Identity

Having studied forgiveness for over 40 years, I am saddened that injustices—and the pain and suffering—alter a person's identity. One indication is a consistent finding of low self-esteem in those who were treated badly (see, for example, Lin and team, 2004; Reed and Enright, 2006). If one's identity is not consistently established in adolescence (Erik Erikson 1968, 1994), then it is easier to slip into identity confusion, or a lack of consistency in answering the question, "Who am I?" If some people's identity is not firm, consistent, and fair in how they treat others and themselves, that identity can become distorted, often to the detriment of those who were treated unfairly. Low scores on forgiveness and self-esteem scales are signs that unjust treatment has damaged identity.

A central question: When people are treated deeply unjustly and begin to dislike even themselves, how can they establish a more wholesome, adaptive identity? Forgiving others accurately can establish or even re-establish an adaptive, healthy identity. Here are six ideas to consider. Before turning to these six ideas, take a moment to understand what forgiving others "accurately" is. According to a recent philosophical analysis (Song, Enright, and Kim, 2025), forgiveness is the moral virtue of deliberately being good to those who have not been good to you and following through on this. It takes time, often more than 12 weeks of work (Baskin and Enright, 2004), and it focuses on the offending person, not the self—you. The paradox is that, as people extend mercy to offenders, scientific studies show forgivers experience psychological benefits.

1. The other has inherent worth. I have inherent worth.

In our process model of forgiveness (Enright and Fitzgibbons, 2024), forgiving often begins with thinking about the one who offended, particularly by expanding one's view of this person. The forgiver is encouraged to see the other person's emotional wounds, not to excuse what happened, but to see a vulnerable person who has been hurt and is passing on those wounds to you. Further, the forgiver is encouraged to think of how the other person and the self share a common humanity; both need good nutrition, good rest, and good relationships. The point is to expand one's vision of offending others to see their inherent worth as persons. They are more than their unjust actions. As forgivers, over time, widen their vision of who the offenders are, the forgivers also tend to begin offering this inherent worth to the self: "There is more to me than the wounds I have suffered. I, too, possess worth that cannot be taken from me." We see the fruit of this in the positively changed self-esteem scores discussed above.

2. It takes courage to forgive; I am growing in courage

In our process model of forgiveness, once forgivers have an open view of offenders—seeing their inherent worth—we ask them, when they are ready, to stand in the pain of what happened. This is not to disavow what happened, but to become a conduit of good toward them so forgivers do not keep throwing the pain back at the offenders or unsuspecting others. To stand in this pain requires courage because it is not easy to resist getting back at the offenders. A new insight can now emerge: I am not a weakling, as the nineteenth-century philosopher Nietzsche asserted, if I can stand strong and avoid revenge (1887/1989). Identity begins to shift when seeing oneself as courageous rather than as someone devastated by the offense(s).

3. I am not dominated by the power of others

As forgivers begin to see their anger diminishing, their self-esteem rising, and their gradual release from the torment of inner negative emotions, they have the insight that the offending ones no longer have power over them. After all, they no longer carry the daily negative thoughts, feelings, and even behaviors that emerged as effects of the injustice(s). Instead, and this can be surprising, they have greater quiet, which may not have occurred for a long time.

4. I have suffered; I can see many people’s suffering now

As people suffer from unjust treatment, they often gain insight into the burdens many others carry. For example, forgivers might be more attentive to co-workers having a bad day, or to a partner who was treated unfairly by certain family members when growing up. The forgiver can see more clearly into another's heart.

5. I know how to give good gifts

Forgiveness changes your character; it turns patience, compassion, and mercy from hard-won exceptions into a natural way to treat people. You become a conduit of goodness and love toward others, including patience with a partner or spending more time with one's children. As one example, a man within a correctional institution told me that even though he is imprisoned for life, his new goal is to help his cellmates forgive. It enlivened him with a positive new purpose, even behind the prison walls.

6. I am a thriver, not just a survivor.

As one person stated, after forgiving, she had settled on an identity of victim, and she lived that out with bitterness. Eventually, she began to see herself as a survivor as her anger and anxiety diminished. Later, she changed her identity and now sees herself as a thriver. We can see this in our research, in which abused women reported having more command over challenging situations in life and handling responsibilities well (Reed and Enright, 2007).

Who am I?

In summary, when people forgive accurately and take enough time, their identities change for the better. They tend to acknowledge their inherent worth, develop more courage, own their inner world, aid others in their struggles, practice gift-giving, and begin to thrive in life. Have you been deeply hurt by others' injustices? Who are you as a person? As you forgive, your identity may change for the better.

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