As a midlife woman, a lot of conversations revolve around being a mother. When I was younger, it was about whether you wanted to be a mother.
As I got to my 30s, talk turned (depending on whether you were dating or married) to being a new mother or wanting kids, and now, as I approach 50, a lot of the talk in my social circles is about being a mother to teenagers or even university-age children.
I love hearing my friends’ tales of their teenage kids – and even went to a festival with one friend and her teen daughters this summer.
As I watched them dance together, I had a momentary pang that I would never know that feeling. But I am childfree by choice and that leaves me on a periphery of my own making and choosing.
At work, throughout my career, being a mother (or not) has always been a topic of conversation and now I’m self-employed, it trickles its way into the chats I have with other business owners either at networking events or in the content I see on socials and LinkedIn.
I am often faced with some questions that I would argue one should never ask a woman who doesn’t have kids. For me, it’s a definite choice, but for other women, this is not their chosen path, which can make these questions even more intrusive and offensive.
Reaching 49, I wondered if the comments might stop, but instead the ‘do you want kids’ is replaced with ‘do you wish you’d had kids?’ a shift that adds a new dimension to my midlife existence.
While it’s one thing to ask me questions once you know I am childfree by choice, often these come before I’ve made that clear. And I know from speaking to other women that they also face these types of questions.
At 49, it is the go-to assumption of those I meet that I’m a mother. And, if I say I don’t have kids, I see their face fall with an apologetic and woeful look, as their brain races between wondering if I wanted children but didn’t have them, whether I have battled through IVF, or whether I am now mourning the loss of motherhood that I chose not to embrace.
So if you meet a woman like me – or have a childfree friend – here are the no-nos when it comes to conversation:
'For me, it’s a definite choice, but for other women, this is not their chosen path, which can make these questions even more intrusive and offensive,' said Jenny Holliday (pictured)
1. You’re so lucky!
(See also: 'It’s ok for you…') Women who are childfree are often called lucky by those with children. It’s a strange situation, because for me it seems like they are saying: 'I’m not lucky'.
I have missed out on some opportunities because of not having children: For example, when I moved from London to the Cotswolds and I felt lonely, there was no school gate WhatsApp to deliver me a new set of potential friends.
Yes, there is no ‘end of day’ stress, but there’s also no work curfew for me, no pick up time that means I ditch the laptop or phone.
2. Do you wish you’d had children?
'At work, throughout my career, being a mother (or not) has always been a topic of conversation and now I’m self-employed, it trickles its way into the chats,' said Jenny (pictured)
My reaction to this question very much depends on who is asking: If it’s a friend, then I am happy to have a conversation about my choice. It is hard not to be sarcastic or seem rude with your answers to this question.
I tend to use what I call the ‘Bridget Jones’ method, which is to say something along the lines of: 'Children, bleurgh! No thank you! I like my lie ins and disposable income too much!'.
But for some, the answer might be a very hurtful 'Yes, I do wish I’d had children.' So best not to ask at all.
3. Can you work over the holiday period?
(Even worse: you are working over the holiday period) This is very pertinent right now as those festive leave calendars begin to fill up.
I have been ‘scheduled’ to work over Christmas, with no regard for my own calendar. It’s happened to friends, too.
There is an assumption that when you’re childfree you’re more available to work, as if there is nothing else that you might possibly want to get up to in your free time.
I gave up booking off time in August when in staff jobs, and am grateful now to be freelance and able to set the out of office when I want.
4. What would you do if you became pregnant?
Thankfully this has only been asked a couple of times, but it’s the most intrusive in many ways.
My stock answer is: 'I do my best not to, that’s my responsibility.' It would be something of a menopause miracle if I did find myself expecting!
Really, though it’s not the surface question, it’s about whether you’d continue with a pregnancy, which is deeply intrusive. I find asking it back stops the conversation in its tracks.
5. You might change your mind!
Of course there have been days when I’ve wondered what life would have been like if I’d had children. I look at my siblings and think: “They have someone who is like them, a mini-me.”
I see myself in my nephew and niece, at times, and reflect on how that must feel when you’re a parent and you see yourself in your child. For me, that has to be enough, and most days it is. The time for changing my mind is over, and I’m at peace with that.
6. But who will take care of you when you’re older?
This is a question you can have a bit of fun with. For example, I might say: 'I’m training my Labrador to open the gin'.
Or joke that I have more disposable income thanks to not sending kids to uni, so I can pay for a care home. 'My friends and I are going to create a commune and look after each other' is an often-used reply.
7. 'As a mum' (or – often from celebs – ‘being a mum is the best job in the world’)
This one often appears on LinkedIn, where women write about being a woman in the workplace, but not just ‘any woman’… a mother.
Childfree friends agree these are possibly the worst three words to say to a woman without kids, as they imply that we are somehow ‘less’ of a woman because we don’t have children.
For the celebrities who have filled stadiums by say being a mother is ‘the best job’ I have a sadness – it’s as if they are saying their career means nothing.