I’m Happy to Be the Breadwinner in the Family. But the Way My Husband Talks About His “Work” Has Got to Stop.

Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

There is a double standard in my marriage that I know I’m perpetuating, but I can’t find my way out of it. I’m a hard worker and industrious person. Neither my husband nor I come from means, and I’ve always hustled my way into having security and disposable income. My husband is wonderful, but he just doesn’t have the same thing going on. He is a very talented freelancer, but he is very particular about what he says yes to, to the point that he only works like 10-15 hours a week. He commands excellent rates and his clients love his work, but left to his own devices, I’m truly not sure how he would make ends meet.

When things are going well, I don’t even mind basically having a “house husband” who has sporadic passion projects. When times are occasionally lean, I do feel resentful that having to take on more work and responsibility seems to physically pain him. It’s not that he’s lazy, he’s debilitatingly anxious around commitment and having to meet expectations. It’s like a “gifted kid who flunks out of college because they never learned to try” kind of thing. I don’t love this about him, but over all our marriage works and is worthwhile. But the way he talks about work is a huge problem for me.

I complain about my clients and my boss all the time. I love hearing his perspective and it’s nice to vent. My complaining is either, “Can you believe the audacity??” or, ” This is a frustrating situation that has a lot of nuance to it, and the way forward will be tough.” On the other hand, I cannot tolerate his style of complaining about work. It all sounds to me like, “Ughhhh I can’t believe I have to do this”, and “this” is just the concept of having to go to work. It’s bitter and entitled. He complains about having to do something once-a-month that I have to do twice-a-day. He complains about having to meet deadlines and follow procedures. Not like a picky client or unreasonable surprise deadlines. Just…deadlines. Any time someone else wants him to be somewhere or do something, he gets so anxious and grouchy about it. (He’s not like this with me about our personal life, house projects, helping with my work, etc.) I absolutely don’t want to hear it anymore. I cannot hold his hand through the ordeal of having to go to work.

To some this might seem like a nightmare situation, or at least untenable. But I know plenty of finance/tech bro guys with wives who “kind of” work for a non-profit or seem to do pilates professionally. I don’t mind that the genders are reversed. I wish we were rich enough that I could retire him and he could just work on his bike all day. But alas he does need to make some money. I want him to just grin and bear it and only come to me if he has an actually interesting complaint. What do you think?

—Over It

Dear Over It,

I think this is a reasonable request, and I also think that you need to actually talk to your husband about it! It seems like he has zero idea how much his complaining/venting irks you. If you haven’t had a frank, open conversation with him about it, then now is the time!

I also think that these are conversations that could potentially be better facilitated by a couples’ therapist, because I’m hearing quite a bit of (understandable!) deep-seated resentment on your end and quite a bit of obliviousness on his. It sounds like you’re shouldering a lot of the mental load and emotional labor of this relationship, not to mention the actual labor. What else is he doing to support your household besides pursuing his passion projects and working sporadically when he feels like it? I wonder if in your efforts to support him and convince yourself you’re OK with this gender reversal, you’ve actually enabled a totally unequal division of labor in your relationship and your home. He needs to figure it out, and you need to be more clear about what you need from him. A couples’ therapist and maybe an executive functioning coach for him could really help. I know you two can figure it out!

—Doree

Classic Prudie

I’m a college student who’s a little chubby and doesn’t have perfect skin, but I’m able to look in the mirror and smile. Unfortunately, my mother doesn’t feel the same way about me. When I became a teenager she started telling me about the benefits of plastic surgery. I simply don’t want to do it. I have tried explaining this, from polite statements, to tantrums, to cold indifference, with no effect. Once, when I was in high school, she told me she wanted me to come with her to visit my grandmother, but she pulled up to a plastic surgeon’s office, where it turned out she had set up an appointment.