My Mother-in-Law Has Been Secretly Harboring Resentment About the Way We Do Child Care. Now It’s All Come to Light.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old. I have been a stay-at-home mom since our first was born, but I recently decided (with the support of my husband) that I’d like to return to work at least part-time, possibly increasing to full-time once both kids are in school next year. Over the past month, I’ve interviewed with a few places and will be starting a part-time opportunity I’m excited about at the beginning of next month.

Just after making the official decision, we were at my in-laws’ house visiting with the kids. We live locally and usually see them once a week; we’re close. My husband mentioned that I’d be heading back to work soon, and I excitedly told them all about the position. They were happy for me, they said, as they knew how much I had enjoyed my job before having the kids. My mother-in-law, “Mitzi,” asked how it would work with the kids’ schedules, and I told her the start time was perfect for right after their morning drop-offs (daughter to kindergarten, son to morning preschool). After preschool, I explained, my son would go home with one of the other children/mothers whom I knew well—she was looking to make some extra money and was happy to add him to her own two at home. It was going to work out beautifully because she also has a kindergartener I’d pick up along with my daughter at the end of the school day, before returning to her house and swapping kids.

After I told her this, Mitzi was still involved in the conversation, but definitely less enthusiastic. Throughout the afternoon, she also asked questions about my job-hunting process, as I hadn’t talked about it (because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find something that worked for us). When I told her I’d interviewed at a few places, she asked how I had managed that with my husband’s demanding work schedule. I said I’d been able to schedule some interviews in the morning, while both kids were at school, and that our college-aged babysitter had come over a few times as well. Mitzi made a comment about it being unfortunate that we’d needed to spend money so I could go on interviews when I didn’t even know if a position would work out. This whole interaction seemed a bit weird, but I brushed it off because I was so excited about the job and what a great fit it was for us.

That night, after the kids were in bed, my husband told me his mother had pulled him aside after talking to me and told him she was extremely upset that we hadn’t included her in the decision-making process of my going back to work. I asked him why we would have, and he said that she had apparently assumed for years that if I did go back to work before both kids were fully in school, she would watch them while I worked. She was very hurt that wasn’t going to happen. She also told him she couldn’t believe that I continued to spend money on a babysitter when I knew she was available any time I needed help. I was surprised. We had never had any conversations about any of this. My husband and I have used the same babysitter since she was a high school student and our older child was a baby. We haven’t needed her that often, but whenever we have, she has been able to make it work.

My in-laws have good relationships with the kids, but both my husband and I feel strongly that family shouldn’t be used as regular child care. And the truth is that I have asked Mitzi to watch our older child a few times, mostly for prenatal appointments when I was pregnant with our son, and she had a conflict nearly every time. That is fine—she has her own life!—but her unavailability definitely contributed to my not continuing to ask! It seems she’s been simmering for years now over my not ever asking her to sit the kids.

My husband still supports our plan, and he says that if we just don’t mention anyone else caring for the kids in front of his mother, everything will be fine. I think an actual talk where we air all of this out would be better, because I can’t just forget it now that I know it. I also don’t want to have to watch what I say for the next 10 years, making sure never to accidentally mention a babysitter because it might hurt Mitzi’s feelings. Thoughts?

—You’re Grandma, Not the Babysitter!

Dear You’re Grandma,

As a new grandmother myself, who is looking forward to taking care of my grandson when my daughter returns to work, I confess I winced at the line about how family shouldn’t be used for regular child care. But of course you are entitled to feel that way! (I’m grateful my daughter and her husband feel otherwise, and thrilled that they are grateful for the help I’ve offered and mean sincerely.)

I also can’t blame you for no longer asking Mitzi for help after she turned you down repeatedly (I would have done the same), and the fact is that arrangements with grandparents about child care vary enormously from family to family for any number of reasons. The problem in this case—in every part of this case—is a lack of communication.

Your mother-in-law, it would seem, never mentioned that she wanted to help with child care on a regular basis—that she was looking forward to it, and hoped (supposed!) you would rely on her once you went back to work. That’s on her. But her son and daughter-in-law never shared their strong stance that family members should not serve as daily sitters—and that is on you both. And while, as I say, I sympathize with your decision to stop asking Mitzi to watch the kids after she wasn’t available multiple times, it would have helped if you’d talked to her about it (you might have asked her how much notice she needed if you were going to ask her to sit, or if there were days/times she would generally be available if something came up and you needed her help, so that you could make appointments, when possible, during those times)—just as it would have helped if she had expressed her regret over having to decline when asked because of previous commitments, and offered up on her own a list of days and times she was usually available to help out. Every step of the way, all parties involved failed to be clear about what they needed, what they were willing and able to give, and what their expectations were overall.

So, yes, I’m with you: A conversation is definitely needed. Better (much better) late than never. (Though I’ll tell you this: Your husband’s plan is a pretty good indication of how he was raised, i.e., that it’s better not to talk about things than risk a conflict arising. It’s not too late, either, to teach him—and his mom … and yourself, for that matter—that open communication is the key to good relationships, and assumptions and avoidance are a couple of keys to bad ones.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 3-year-old son usually does well in his daycare, but occasionally I’ll get a message from the center that he’s had a rough day or that he’s done something inappropriate, like yelling and playing in the bathroom. He’s 3, so wouldn’t he occasionally act out? If he has done something “wrong” at daycare, what do I do? I think he’s too young to understand a punishment like not letting him have dessert or sending him to his room. I can (and do) “have a talk” with him about it at home, but otherwise, I’m honestly not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information.

—Daycare Drama

Dear Drama,

There is absolutely nothing you should do with this information. The daycare center is not telling you these things with the expectation that you’ll punish your 3-year-old for “bad” behavior. (Or I mean, they’d better not be.) My assumption is that they are only relaying factual information about his day—that they are assuming you want to know everything there is to know.

I realize this can be disconcerting if “what there is to know” includes anything other than “everything was great—10/10 day!” But nobody has a four-star perfect day every single day of their life. Just say, “Thanks for letting me know! Have a good evening.”

P.S. If there is ever a serious problem, I guarantee they will let you know what they expect you to do about it.

Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources?

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Jared,” and I had our first child, “Anisa,” two months ago. Almost from the moment his mother, “Yvette,” saw her, she has been insinuating and/or saying outright that I must have cheated on her son. Jared and I are both African-American. Anisa has a lighter skin tone than either of us: This is the basis for Yvette’s suspicions.

My older sister and my grandmother on my mom’s side are both lighter-skinned Black women, so it wasn’t a huge surprise that my daughter looks the way she does. I cannot begin to describe how hurtful Yvette’s accusations have been. Jared has been supportive, but she won’t stop. Now she’s saying that if I had nothing to hide, I would agree to a paternity test. Jared thinks it would be worth it to make her stop once and for all. Are my choices really either to continue enduring being falsely accused or bowing to blackmail?

—Color My Mother-in-Law Awful

Dear Color My Mother-in-Law,

Those are not your only choices. Jared’s being “supportive” is insufficient: It’s time for him to tell his mother that if she doesn’t stop this, his family will be stepping away from their relationship with her. What she’s doing is beyond awful, and her son needs to be the one to put a stop to it.

If he balks at this (“She means well,” “She can’t help it,” “I can’t threaten my mother!”), please point out to him that if he doesn’t take a stand on your behalf now, he will not only be letting her know that he, too, is suspicious of you, he will also be telling her that she can say or do anything she likes, no matter how dreadful, and he will put up with it. If he still hesitates, your marriage is in trouble, I’m sorry to say.

—Michelle

More Advice From Slate

I have a kid in seventh grade at an excellent magnet school. They are doing great at school, but have long struggled with perfectionism that seems to be fed by a school system that puts a focus on grades and test scores. Recently, in their advanced math class, their teacher brought in donuts for the class to celebrate that most students exceeded expectations on their mid-year standardized tests. As recounted to me by my kid, the donuts were for everyone, even the kids who didn’t do well on the test, but the teacher called them up to get their donuts in the order of their test scores!