I Have a Trust Fund in the Millions. You’ll Never Believe My Spouse’s No. 1 Worry.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My spouse is worried about money all the time, but objectively we’re fine. I make low six figures and have mid six figures saved, plus a trust fund in the millions. They make low/mid six figures annually and have high six-figures saved. Both our families are wealthy and willing to backstop us if necessary.

But my spouse says they’d feel more secure if I moved into a higher paying private sector role. That move could double or triple my income, but I love my job. I’ve told them that if we ever really ran into money problems, I would get a different job, but we’re beyond wealthy. I pay for all our housing expenses, health insurance, and most of our burn rate, while they pay for vacations, our car, and the cost of their business.

We’re both 42. I think this is an emotional security problem, not a money problem. But they think I’m not taking into account all the terrible things that could happen to us professionally or medically by leaving money on the table.

—Money’s Not the Problem, Right?

Dear Money’s Not the Problem,

Between your combined incomes, your seven-figure savings, your multimillion dollar trust, and the safety net of your family, you’re doing just fine. You’re more than fine, in fact. You’re doing far better than many, many other people.

It sounds like your spouse is dealing with some major financial anxiety. Sure, lots of things could go sideways, but your current assets buffer you from so much that could go wrong. There’s no reason for you to give up a job you love that already pays well. And even if you did change jobs like your spouse wants, anxiety has a way of moving the goalposts. You might very well take on a higher-paying job and find that your spouse will still feel this sense of financial dread. With financial anxiety, there’s often no ceiling for the amount of money that feels safe. This can easily get out of control, and you could both spend the next 20 years chasing a number that will never be enough to quiet the noise in their head.

The financial psychologist Brad Klontz identifies a handful of “money scripts” that people follow—these are the beliefs and experiences that people hold about money that, whether they realize it or not, drive their behavior and decisions with it. One of these scripts is “money vigilance,” which on the surface sounds like a good thing, but can quickly get out of hand when people become too worried about money and allow it to rule every aspect of their life. It sounds a bit like that’s what’s happening here.

In short, you’re right—this is less a money issue than an emotional one. So next time the topic comes up, try shifting the conversation from the numbers to the emotional cost.

If they’re willing, it might help to talk to a financial therapist—someone who can help them untangle their emotional relationship with money from the actual numbers on the page. You can start your search via the Financial Therapy Association.

—Kristin

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My partner grew up poor, while I grew up more middleclass. He has always controlled all our finances, and spends hours monthly on budgeting and checking bills, credit cards, etc. I’ve never known anybody who obsesses like this.