There’s one topic of conversation my friends and I talk about most often these days, and that’s the (low) quality of our sleep. As we head into our early forties and beyond, we’ve all noticed that while we’re getting into bed earlier and earlier, we’re not getting out of it feeling very rested the next day.
Since turning 40 a couple of years ago, disruptions to my sleep have moved on from being caused by babies and young children, to my own body and brain keeping me awake. Whether it’s restless legs stopping me from being able to drift off, or 3am wake-ups where I end up pondering my life choices, I’m definitely not sleeping as well as I did when I was younger.
The reasons for these changes can be blamed on a variety of factors. Perimenopause symptoms can begin in our late thirties but often go unnoticed because we’re also juggling kids, mental load and our careers. All of these are stressful and exhausting and can contribute to poor sleep. Maryanne Taylor, a sleep consultant and founder of The Sleep Works, says women’s bodies can also become “more sensitive to things that previously did not disturb them as much, whether that is noise, stress, alcohol, temperature changes or an unsettled mind”.
We’re also living in a time where social media is encouraging us to try things such as “sleep-maxxing”. I’ve had a go at this, and the reality is I don’t have time to do an “everything shower”, write a gratitude journal, meditate, listen to brown noise and apply mouth tape. Most nights I’m lying in bed ordering presents for kids’ parties, replying to WhatsApp messages, and emailing myself reminders for the next day. And every night seems to be different when it comes to whether I’ll sleep well or not.
The good news is that there are plenty of ways to improve our sleep that don’t involve spending money on gadgets, pills or creams. We spoke to experts to find out their suggestions – and we found some surprising ones too.
Recognise if you’re tired or sleepy
Taylor says many of us confuse being tired with being sleepy. “You can feel exhausted but still not be physiologically ready for sleep. Going to bed much earlier after a bad night can sometimes mean spending even longer awake in bed,” she explains.
Feeling sleepy is an uncontrollable need or desire to fall asleep (think: heavy eyelids, head bobbing, trouble keeping your eyes open) while being tired is a state of low physical or mental energy (AKA feeling drained, worn out, lacking motivation, or finding tasks harder to complete, without necessarily nodding off).
Stephanie Romiszewski, director of The Sleepyhead Clinic, says that if you’re tired, you might need to take a break from whatever you’re doing, have some food, do something sociable or cut down on work. “It doesn’t always mean you need to get into bed,” she adds. If you feel sleepy, you should follow your body’s cues and go to bed.
Try NOT to sleep
One of the biggest issues with insomnia or sleep disruption is that it’s easy to get fixated on it, which only perpetuates the problem because you become more frustrated and anxious, which stops you from sleeping.
Try a psychological technique called paradoxical intention, where instead of attempting anything and everything to get to sleep, you take away the pressure and let yourself stay awake. “It’s not about deliberately keeping yourself awake or trying to win a battle against sleep,” says Nicole Ratcliffe, who works as The Workplace Sleep Coach. “It’s about stopping the effort to force something that should happen naturally. And sometimes, when you stop trying so hard, sleep comes much more easily.”
Focus on your mornings
“Choose a realistic, fairly consistent get-up time and give your day clear signals: light, movement and activity,” says Romiszewski. Getting up at the same time every day and exposing ourselves to light sets our inner clock (the circadian rhythm) and produces the hormones we need to wake up and go to sleep.
Open your curtains as soon as you wake to let natural light in, or go outside – even just into your garden, if you have one – to feel the sun on your face. Studies, such as this one from 2024, have also shown that “grounding” or “earthing” – where you touch or stand barefoot on real grass or soil – can help with sleep and alleviate stress.
Trying humming to wind down…
Ratcliffe says relaxation techniques can help improve sleep, but shouldn’t replace traditional solutions such as medication or therapy if the sleep disruption is severe. One is humming.
“When you hum, you’re naturally controlling your breathing, particularly the exhalation, and that can encourage slower, more regulated breathing,” says Ratcliffe. “It also gives your brain something to concentrate on other than whatever might be worrying you or running through your mind.” This humming is sometimes known as “bumblebee breathing”. Try it for five to 10 minutes while you’re in bed.
… or tensing your muscles
Try progressive muscle relaxation, where you “deliberately tense a group of muscles for a few seconds, then release them and notice the difference between tension and relaxation”, suggests Ratcliffe. She says it gives the mind something specific to focus on which can stop our brains racing at bedtime.
“Some people may even find they’ve drifted off before completing the exercise, although the aim is relaxation rather than trying to force yourself to sleep,” she adds.
Empty your brain
Trying to get to sleep when your brain is making lists of things you’ve not done that day can be very frustrating. I also panic about forgetting the things I’ve remembered, which just makes the whole situation even worse. To avoid this spiral, Taylor recommends spending “five to 10 minutes earlier in the evening writing down what is still circling in your head.”
If you think your brain fog means you’ll forget to do this, try putting a notepad and paper by your bed.
Drink cherry juice
We know staying hydrated and avoiding caffeine and alcohol helps with sleep issues, but there’s one fruit drink in particular which researchers are looking at. This study from 2012 found that drinking 30ml of tart cherry juice for seven days increased time in bed, total sleep time and sleep efficiency in healthy individuals.
Tart cherries contain melatonin which we need in our bodies to help with our sleep-wake cycle. Research on this is still limited and a few glasses of juice isn’t going to solve all of your issues, but the results so far seem encouraging.
Leave your bedroom
“If you find yourself lying awake and becoming increasingly stressed, it can help to stop trying to force sleep,” Ratcliffe says. “If necessary, get up for a little while, keep the lighting low and do something quiet until you feel sleepy again.” Romiszewski suggests taking a break “somewhere comfortable and returning when sleepiness comes back”. Taylor suggests doing something “calm and low-key, such as reading, listening to music or mindful colouring”.
Have sex
When we’re tired, having sex is often the last thing we feel like doing and many women in their forties also experience low libido and vaginal dryness, which can make sex even less appealing. However, neuroscientists believe regular sex can improve our sleep quality. This is because it reduces our cortisol levels and helps our bodies move from “fight or flight” mode to a more relaxed state. And, of course, you don’t need to have a partner to find sexual pleasure.
Protect the opportunity to sleep
Many of us are trying to cram a lot of life and tasks into our evenings, which means we go to bed too late and get into bed wired. “We can become so focused on how to get better quality sleep that we forget to ask whether we’re actually giving ourselves enough time to get it,” says Ratcliffe. “If you need to be up at 6am, and you’re regularly going to bed at midnight because that’s the only time you get to yourself, you’re already restricting your sleep opportunity before anything else has had a chance to interfere.”
She suggests looking at whether we can find some time to ourselves earlier in the day, “rather than borrowing it from our sleep.” This could be going for a walk for half an hour after dropping the kids at school, going to a regular strength training session on a lunchbreak, or trying to delegate some of the mental load to your partner.
Where to turn for help
Speak to your GP if tiredness is causing a persistent low mood, or problems with concentration, or is affecting your work or other responsibilities. Some health issues such as “chronic insomnia, sleep apnoea, restless legs syndrome, pain, medication effects and anxiety” may need specific medical treatment, says Ratcliffe.
If your sleep problems are being made worse by perimenopause, your doctor may suggest taking HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which can help with night sweats, stress and anxiety. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) has also been shown to help with insomnia and related issues.
Ratcliffe says: “I think we need to get much better at recognising sleep as a fundamental part of our health, rather than something we only pay attention to when everything starts going wrong.”