Understanding Others Is the Key to Better Communication

I had been a practicing psychologist for more than a decade when I had a critical realization. No one in my academic journey through leading psychology schools had ever addressed communication. And my experience was now revealing that communication should be one of the main topics in medical, or any, education, especially when the job entails critical personal interaction.

I decided to research the topic and eventually wrote the book Power Talk: The Art of Effective Communication. The effort changed how I approached my clients. Now, not only was I trying to understand their perceptions and feelings from a diagnostic viewpoint but also from a motivational one. I needed to understand where they were at and adjust my messaging accordingly.

It still stuns me to this day how little education there is on communication generally, given that it is an absolutely critical life skill, not just a business one.

The Universal Importance of Communication

Almost every endeavor that involves working with others relies on effective communication. One of the biggest reasons patients change doctors is that they don’t feel the doctor understands or relates to them. We’ve all encountered the doctor who is just telling you what to do and treating you like just another number.

Conversely, some of us have encountered doctors who have a great “bedside manner”; in other words, they really try to understand you and address you accordingly. I believe that this difference in approach does impact outcome.

The same could be applied to teachers, managers, nurses—you name it. Genuinely investigating where people are at not only helps in the planning of messaging but also in connection. And connection clearly matters.

Specific Communication Tools

One of the greatest advocates of understanding others' viewpoints and where they were coming from was the psychiatrist Milton Erickson, who brilliantly used this approach to change rigidly held beliefs. Jay Haley's book Uncommon Therapy explains and shares Erickson’s exceptional work.

Erickson couched his work in terms of hypnotherapy, but his fundamental tools do not require hypnosis as such. A person doesn’t have to be in a hypnotic state to defend and uphold their most important perceptions and ideas. This point was highlighted by Robert Cialdini, a psychologist and communication expert whose book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion identifies several key principles, like social proof, that can be used to change someone’s perceptions. Now, unfortunately, some of these principles, like social proof, have been hijacked by scamming advertisers who show fake photos as signs of their product’s worth. However, it’s not the principle’s fault that they are misappropriated in this way.

Aren’t Sales People the Best Communicators?

Even in fields like sales, where you might assume communication is a required trait, good communication isn't necessarily a given. In his recent book Uncertainty: Why Deals Stall: The Human Side of Buying and the 13 Buyer Uncertainties That Cost You Wins, marketing guru Bill Zujewski shows that even in the sales industry, many people don't understand where the potential buyer is coming from or the real factors behind their decision-making. These are often not about the product per se, but the potential social, reputational, political, and emotional impact of the purchase.

This understanding about communication is even more relevant today, when primitive, binary thinking only leads to disconnection and anger (see politics and social media).

Preparing for an Important Conversation

There are some simple questions that can help you prepare for any conversation in which you desire a specific outcome, i.e., getting the other person to agree with you in some way.

• What is the purpose of this communication?
• What do I want the outcome to be?
• How might the other person respond?
• What is important to the other person in this context?
• What core principles do they hold?
• How can I frame the conversation to embrace their core beliefs?

We tend to be egotistical in our communication and make the mistake of not trying to understand the other person or figure out how to really engage them.

As I wrote in Power Talk: “People aren’t logical; they’re psychological, often with the emphasis on the psycho.”

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