[Two Pronged] Fighting an erection problem by sleeping with a woman?

Our letter sender writes, 'I sometimes lose my erection when I do that with a man. I really want to try having sex with a woman, but I’m afraid that I might also lose my erection with her.'

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I’m usually more of a bottom/receiver, but sometimes when I’m vers, there are occasions when I receive oral sex or masturbate, and I’ve also tried being the insertive partner during anal sex.

However, I sometimes lose my erection when I do that with a man. I really want to try having sex with a woman, but I’m afraid that I might also lose my erection with her.

Please respect my confession — I genuinely need advice.

– Peter

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Dear Peter,

Thank you for your message. You seem to have two issues at work here — the loss of erection and the wish to try sleeping with a woman.

Erectile problems are very common. The causes are varied — substance abuse, typically alcohol or drugs, medication (prescribed or not), depression, anxiety, stress. Often, a new situation or a new partner can cause anxiety that then kills an erection. This can create performance anxiety which subsequently leads to more erection loss. The key is to break the loop.

Firstly, it helps to remember that penetrative sex is not the only type of sex. Touch, oral, kissing, cuddling are also part of the sexual repertoire. Embracing this variety will help avoid performance pressure.

Take careful note of what enhances your erection and what kills it. Indulge the former and avoid the latter, especially alcohol.

Choose your partner with care. You want them to be kind and considerate of your erection issue. Take them into your confidence if you can so that there is patience, not judgment, if there are problems.

Take note of excessive expectations. If you are embarking on something that is outside your normal experience, it is sensible to aim not for Olympic but instead novice standards. If not, you set yourself up for likely failure. It is very helpful too if you can share your inexperience with your partner so that their expectations are also tempered.

As for sleeping with a woman, what has changed your thinking now? There are several possibilities: for example, variety for variety’s sake or trying to express some more confident “you”. Analyzing your past behavior will provide you with a window to the future. Once you understand where you are coming from, it will be much easier to chart a new course.

Wishing you every success on your journey of new discoveries.

– JAF Baer

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Dear Peter:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree very much with almost everything Mr Baer says. However, I believe he is being overly optimistic when he writes: “There are several possibilities (to explain what has changed your mind about sleeping with women) — for example, variety for variety’s sake or trying to express some more confident ‘you.’”

In truth, maybe I am too harsh with Mr Baer. Maybe he was just trying to be kind to you when he said one reason for your possibly sleeping with women is variety for variety’s sake.

I think the reason you want to sleep with a woman now is that you want to find out if it is easier to maintain your erection with a woman than it is with a man… In which case it is very unfair of you to want to use a woman like that.

No, no, no, I am not suggesting you have to be in love with someone before you sleep with them. Indeed, there can even be a different need/lust fulfilled when you have a quickie with someone you hardly know.

But you see, even in this case, you are responding to the actual person you are having sex with. In this case, you are not having sex with the person simply because they fit the correct category (woman as opposed to man). That would be a very cold, and hence unfair, reason to have sex with someone.

At least… if you have not been honest with her to begin with. If you had not told her, in clear and certain terms, that you want to sleep with her mainly because you want to know if you can “get it up” with a woman.

This is the major reason it is best to have sex with someone you have a certain affinity for. No, it does not mean you have to have known them for ages (though that can help). Sometimes you might have met them just that night.

DISCLAIMER: This can only happen if you have impeccable instincts for people and even if you cannot guarantee your penis will remain hard when you try and penetrate, you can be damn sure they will not make you feel bad that you tried.

And trying is what matters most. AND seeking help from the right professional if need be – and that can be anything from a urologist, a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, and/or a counselor who can help give you a better perspective on what being a top truly means to you and how best to achieve it if you decide it is truly important.

Good luck and wishing you all the very best.

— MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com. 

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