Recently in this space I discussed the benefits and risks involved in the increasing prominence of A.1., the ubiquitous steak sauce, in our lives. The response I got from readers was overwhelming, but also startling. The serious question of, frankly, human survival did not seem to interest them at all. Instead, they focussed on what I had to say about A.1. as a condiment. This paragraph, in particular, caught their attention:
Also, there is another threatening and somewhat embarrassing aspect to A.1., especially for young men. They are told that when they become sexually active, always use a condiment. They hear this over and over: Use a condiment! Use a condiment! They have that fixed in their minds, and they want to follow this sound advice from parents and teachers and public-health officials, and that’s all good. But nobody ever says which condiment. And there are a lot of condiments out there! . . . Each person must settle on the right condiment by trial and error, through an often painful process, and that’s a problem we tend not to talk about.
It turns out that readers did want to talk about it, very much! What I had shared about my own negative personal experience with Louisiana Extra-Hot Iberian Hot Sauce drew many likes and queries. As I read the dozens of letters and e-mails, I found that most people are totally uninformed about condiments and intimacy. I had not helped them by simply referring to this sad situation and then moving on.
So, I started to dig. After many hours, I struck gold. In fact, there is a well-informed and well-funded team of scientists who can answer all questions on this sensitive subject. They have a website whose address I would tell you if I weren’t afraid of getting it wrong, and even a twenty-four-hour hotline, whose number is on the website. These experts may be found at the Hellman Institute for Condiment Research, which is part of the Mayo Clinic.
Even better, branches of the Hellman Institute are located worldwide. There is one at the Bratwurst on Pumpernickel with Mayo Clinic, in Berlin; the Fish and Chips with Mayo Clinic, in London; the Hummus and Sprouts on Naan Bread with Light Mayo Clinic, in Riyadh; and the Pastrami and Slice of Red Onion on Rye Toast Hold the Mayo Clinic, in Mumbai. (For reasons of space, this listing had to be only partial.)
The Mayo brothers, inventors of mayo, made such enormous profits from introducing this game-changing condiment to the world that they were able to set aside generous funding for the study of Male Condiment Disorder (M.C.D.). Teaming up with the estate of the memoirist and playwright Lillian Hellman, who was the Mayo brothers’ half cousin, the family has continued its support. Consultation and treatment are free. You can apply online and receive a response in three to five business days, sometimes quicker. Walk-ins are also accepted. There is no agenda. Just because the organization gets the bulk of its funding from mayo does not mean that all the solutions they suggest focus on only that one condiment. They will never push mayo unless it happens to be the right answer for you. In this regard, the name “the Mayo Clinic” is a bit of a misnomer.
If you prefer D.I.Y., another possibility is to go to County Mayo, in Ireland, which the Mayo brothers paid to change its name from G’nyaithth’lugh to Mayo in 1893 so as to get some publicity for their then new invention. Today, County Mayo is known as “the condiment county.” Any condiment ever devised by human beings may be acquired there. Seventy hectares of County Mayo are devoted just to chutney. Did you know that ketchup and chutney are closely related? You will learn that and more on a self-guided tour through the grounds. Best of all, County Mayo provides a no-pressure environment in which to familiarize yourself with the whole gamut of condiments so that you can find one you’re comfortable with.
All of this brings us rather far from our original concerns about the possible dangers of A.1., which, make no mistake, are real. When you see all the A.1. currently being produced, you have to wonder: what is anybody going to do with all that steak sauce? Who could even eat that much steak sauce? And this leads to another consideration. If A.1. is being produced in such enormous volumes, when does it cross the line from being a condiment, and become a main dish in its own right?
And if A.1. is reclassified as a main dish, and loses its official status as a condiment, what does that mean for all the people who are currently relying on the condiment for protection during moments of intimacy? Troubling questions, to be sure. ♦