From Adanna Nnamani, Abuja
For generations, the sound of a cane, a raised voice or a stern warning was considered part of growing up in many Nigerian homes. Children were expected to obey without questioning and understand that disobedience came with consequences.
Today, a different parenting philosophy, known as gentle parenting, is gaining ground across many Nigerian homes. Popularised by social media and conversations around child development, it emphasises empathy, communication and understanding while maintaining clear boundaries.
Unlike the authoritarian style many Nigerian parents grew up with, gentle parenting encourages parents to understand the emotions behind a child’s behaviour and use appropriate consequences rather than fear, physical punishment or humiliation.
But the approach has sparked debate. While some parents and experts consider it a healthier way to raise emotionally secure and responsible children, others dismiss it as a Western concept that conflicts with African values.
For some Nigerians, the cane remains an important disciplinary tool. For others, physical punishment may produce obedience without necessarily teaching responsibility.
Behaviour Development and Transformation Coach, David Folaranmi, said effective parenting begins with parents examining their own behaviour rather than focusing exclusively on correcting their children.
Children, he explained, learn as much from observing their parents as from listening to their instructions.
“Parenting is really about the parent as much as it is about the child. So I believe that before I start asking my child or, in my own case, my children, to behave in a particular way, I have to ask myself: What example am I setting? This is because children learn a lot more from what they see us do consistently than from what we tell them to do,” he said.
Folaranmi, who grew up in the 1980s when authoritarian parenting and physical correction were widely accepted, said he now considers the kind of adults he wants his children to become before deciding how to discipline them.
“Instead of asking how was I raised, I asked myself: What kind of adult am I trying to raise? The question has actually influenced my approach to parenting,” he said.
He explained that a child’s misbehaviour could result from hunger, tiredness, frustration or difficulty communicating. Parents, therefore, should consider the circumstances before deciding on an appropriate response.
While he supports firm boundaries and consequences, he does not believe children should be beaten as a form of correction. For him, the goal is to teach responsibility rather than make children afraid of their parents.
For Chima Obidimma, however, gentle parenting appears disconnected from the realities of African homes. He argued that Nigerian parents should retain traditional methods of discipline, insisting that cultural differences matter when adopting parenting practices.
“I just feel like this whole idea of gentle parenting, I don’t really understand what it is or what it is supposed to achieve. Personally, I don’t believe in it,” he said.
Obidinma said he believes traditional parenting produced children who were more respectful and conscious of social expectations.
“We are Africans. This is how we are raised. Our lifestyle is different from Western people’s lifestyle. I believe in our African way of raising children. And you see our children come up well, they are well trained,” he said.
He attributed what he considers decline in moral behaviour of younger generations to the adoption of Western lifestyles and a departure from traditional discipline.
“I think I prefer the way I was raised. Discipline your children. It is even written in the Bible. Spare the rod and spoil the child. You have to discipline your child. Train your child in the way he or she would follow,” he said.
Also sharing his thoughts, Kene Ogu said his appreciation of his upbringing has increased as he watches younger generations grow up.
He recalled how his mother insisted that he greet people they met at the market, including her students, regardless of whether he felt like greeting them.
At Christmas, he and his siblings were required to show their parents the money they collected from neighbours before spending it. At home, he was also expected to watch food cooking, even when he would rather be outside playing football.
Failure to follow instructions attracted punishment, but he believes those experiences also taught him responsibility.
“Seeing how children today, including the generation immediately after ours, the Gen Zs, behave, I cannot help but appreciate and be grateful for the way we were raised,” he said.
He added that some of the strict disciplinary methods he experienced had taught him lessons that became useful later in life.
Gift Nosa, who also grew up in a traditional home, believes gentle parenting alone may not work in every situation.
She argued that children sometimes continue repeating behaviours their parents have repeatedly warned them against, making consequences necessary.
However, her childhood experience has also made her cautious about excessive physical punishment.
She said her father was the main disciplinarian, while her mother was comparatively softer. Over time, Nosa said, she and her siblings became accustomed to being flogged and sometimes resorted to hiding their misbehaviour.
“My dad flogged us so much that we became used to it. Once the punishment was over, we would simply find ways to do things secretly, which encouraged lying, deceit and other bad behaviours that children are supposed to avoid,” she said.
The experience convinced her that parents need a balance between discipline and understanding.
“So, I feel it should be a middle ground. It should be 50-50,” she said.
For Deborah Joshua, raising her daughter has changed her perspective on physical punishment.
She said she tried both harsh discipline and gentle parenting but found that beating did not stop her daughter from repeating unwanted behaviour.
“I noticed that the more I beat my daughter, the more she would dare me by repeating the same behaviour. She would cry after being beaten but still do it again. So, I prefer gentle parenting,” she said.
Joshua said instead, she withdraws privileges, such as toys or television, and explains why the child’s behaviour is unacceptable.
“I prefer taking away something they value, such as their toys, phones or television privileges, rather than beating them,” she said.
She believes children should understand the reasons for their punishment rather than simply fear the person administering it.
Clinical psychologist Ijeoma Nwizu, who works with children, adolescents and families at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, Enugu State Medical Center, said the debate should not be reduced to a choice between being strict and being soft.
Gentle parenting, she explained, involves understanding a child’s emotions and developmental needs while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
“We acknowledge a child’s feelings while still teaching them about accountability, teaching them about self-discipline, and as well appropriate behaviour,” she said.
She stressed that the approach does not mean allowing children to do whatever they want. Parents should consider their children’s ages, temperaments and family circumstances when deciding how to respond to misbehaviour.
Nwizu also cautioned against relying on social media for an accurate understanding of gentle parenting.
“Parents should be careful about treating everything described on social media as gentle parenting, because gentle parenting is sometimes used very broadly. And what is presented online may not necessarily reflect evidence-based parenting practices,” she said.
On physical punishment, she explained that fear could stop a child from misbehaving temporarily without teaching the child why the behaviour was wrong.
“Using harsh discipline may stop a behaviour for a while, just for a while, because the child is afraid of the consequence, but stopping a behaviour is not the same as teaching the child appropriate behaviour,” she said.
Repeated shouting, humiliation and threats, she added, may affect children’s emotional wellbeing and relationships with their parents. Some may become fearful or secretive, while others may learn to use intimidation when dealing with conflict.
However, Nwizu warned that gentle parenting could also become permissive if parents focused so much on validating feelings that they stopped enforcing rules.
A parent, she explained, can acknowledge a child’s disappointment while maintaining a boundary.
“For instance, when a child wants to continue playing after bedtime, the parent can recognise the child’s feelings but insist that playtime is over.
“It shows that the parent actually validated the child’s emotion without changing boundaries,” she said.
She also argued that Nigerian parents do not have to discard every aspect of traditional parenting. Values such as respect, responsibility, hard work and consideration for others can be preserved without physical punishment or humiliation.
“These values do not have to disappear. We can teach respect without humiliating a child, teach responsibility without using violence or even establish authority without creating fear in them,” she said.
For Nwizu, the objective should be to raise children who understand boundaries, manage disappointment and take responsibility for their actions.
“The conversation should not be traditional parenting versus gentle parenting. Rather, it’s a kind of parenting that may help children develop into emotionally responsible and respectful adults,” she added.
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