How to Choose a Faithful Partner

“It was just coffee,” a partner might proclaim, when their significant other views an extramarital meetup as more about the company than the caffeine. The same type of conversation might follow emotionally intimate text messages or emails, with the sender explaining, “We were just talking.” So where is the line? As these examples illustrate, one of the most significant issues faced by romantic partners is agreeing on what type of behavior constitutes infidelity. The answer may depend on everything from personal commitment to personality. Research explains.

Infidelity, Personality, and Personal Perception

Gayle Brewer et al. (2023) examined the issue of perceptions of infidelity in a piece aptly entitled “But It Wasn’t Really Cheating.”[i] They acknowledge that some acts are easier to identify than others, noting that sexual intercourse is generally thought to constitute infidelity while opinions about sending affectionate texts or emails are more diverse. They also note, however, that the extent to which specific acts are viewed as infidelity may impact both responses to the behavior of a partner and willingness to engage in these behaviors personally. Accordingly, they examined the proclivities and perceptions of romantic infidelity among individuals with different types of personalities.

Brewer et al. recognized five categories of infidelity: 1) online, 2) fantasized, 3) emotional, 4) sexual, and 5) hidden attachment. In their research, they found the Dark Triad traits of Machiavellianism and primary psychopathy predicted how distinct acts were perceived as infidelity, controlling for personal experience and demographic factors. Specifically, they found that people high on Machiavellianism, a personality type characterized by manipulation and a willingness to exploit other people, were less likely to perceive expressing emotion or fantasizing as infidelity. They found that people scoring high on primary psychopathy, involving emotional jealousy, among other things, were more likely to perceive emotional expression and fantasizing as infidelity yet less likely to view sexual behavior or hidden attachment as demonstrations of unfaithfulness.

Previous research has revealed similar results regarding the link between personality and perception of infidelity.

Infidelity and Hypocrisy

Ashley E. Thompson and Lucia F. O’Sullivan examined inconsistent explanations of infidelity in a piece aptly entitled “I Can But You Can’t.”[ii] Using online surveys with 810 adults, they examined the differences between the way people defined infidelity, comparing their opinions about their own behavior to the behavior of their partners. They found that participants judged their own behavior more permissively than the behavior of their partners, yet only in the area of emotional/affectionate and technology/online behaviors, not behavior categorized as sexual/explicit or solitary.

Many study participants reported having themselves been unfaithful, indulging in behavior they judged as infidelity, particularly in the categories of emotional/affectionate and technology/online. Thompson and O’Sullivan noted that inconsistent judgments of infidelity and self-reported behavior (hypocrisy) depended on factors including age, religion, and sexual attitudes.

Personality Predicts Relational Permanence

Thompson and O’Sullivan found that gender did not predict consistency in comparing judgments and behavior, but dark personality traits did. They observed that hypocrisy has been associated with personality traits such as Machiavellianism, which they define as manipulative behavior, focusing on self-interest over the interests of others. They emphasize that variables which capture personality traits may be a better judge of consistency between judgments and behavior than demographic variables such as gender, which is valuable advice for people seeking a faithful partner.

Accordingly, before rushing into a relationship, instead of falling for gender-based stereotypes, take the time to explore the personality behind the persona. Early daters are on their best behavior, but people cannot hide personality traits such as manipulative tendencies or callousness for very long. Thoughtful relationship choices produce quality pairings that endure and flourish over time.

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