I Made a Joke to Get My Co-Worker Off My Back. Now HR Is Involved.

Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

Two months ago, I returned to work 16 weeks after having my first baby. When I first returned, “Anna,” one of the senior members of another team, would stop in to check on me often. At first, it seemed nice and like she was showing concern for me. She noted that I had stayed out a bit longer than originally planned and inquired about my health now. I said I’d had some complications that required additional recovery, but that I was doing well now, thanks. Then she asked about the baby and how she’s sleeping (absolutely adorable and sleeping as terribly as you’d expect a baby to) and asked who is providing care for her now that I’m back (small in-home daycare down the street from us). It seemed like normal, friendly stuff. And then things took a turn.

Anna really focused on the baby’s care while I’m at work. She’d come ask me daily if my daughter was still “getting shipped off to daycare” or similar increasingly negative phrases. The first few times, I provided her with some reasons why we’re happy and comfortable with our daycare decision. Then I shifted to just saying “yes,” when she asked if my daughter was still in daycare. When Anna started adding in how she had made sure she was home with her kids as babies, because their own home was the best place for them, I was getting annoyed. I’m an extremely sarcastic person by nature, so the next time she asked, I told her she would be glad to hear that I’d rethought daycare after all her questioning and that now my daughter was at home, set up in her playpen with enough bottles for the day and a few toys. Anna looked shocked and walked away while I laughed a bit and figured I’d finally put a stop to it. A week later, she came back and asked about the baby again, and I said the playpen thing was working perfectly and thanked her for the suggestion of keeping her at home, since it was such a money saver. I didn’t hear from her again, and was pretty happy with myself.

Then CPS showed up at my house to talk to me about my childcare while I’m at work. They said they had repeated reports of my 6 month old being left unattended in my house for extended periods of time. I called my daycare provider on speaker, and she told them my daughter is there with them from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday to Friday, which my husband also verified, and offered to show them our payment receipts. They apologized and left.

The next day at work, I let HR know about the interactions with Anna and the resultant CPS visit. I told them I wouldn’t go out of my way to speak to Anna about the situation, but I didn’t want to have any interactions with her at work (I don’t need to professionally). I said I would like someone to speak to her about no longer seeking me out to ask me about my personal life. By the end of the day, general buzz around the building was that I’d come in and “told off” my sweet co-worker who was just rightly concerned for the welfare of my child, and who, everyone says, I don’t even know for sure was the one who reported to CPS. After HR spoke to her, it seems Anna started telling her own version of events to as many people as she could. I went to HR again, with the support of a couple co-workers that had heard the (incorrect) story directly from Anna. HR spoke to her again, but there are definitely people in the office acting coldly towards me for “getting her in trouble.” Do I just ignore and be the bigger person, or can I tell everyone my version to help save my reputation?

—Not Negligent, Just Sarcastic

Dear Not Negligent, Just Sarcastic,

God, what a nightmare. I am so sorry that you had to deal with a CPS investigation. That’s just beyond the pale. And I totally get why you responded in the way that you did to Anna’s repeated invasive questions. They were inappropriate and judgmental.

I do wonder, however, if you possibly slightly misread the room here. Sarcasm only really works if the other person understands that you’re being sarcastic; otherwise, it’s a recipe for huge misunderstanding. I think that when Anna returned a week after you first told her you were leaving the baby home alone, that was the time to tell her that of course you were joking—she didn’t really think you were serious, did she? Instead you doubled down (with a straight face).

But that’s all in the past, and all you can do is learn for next time when it comes to deadpan sarcasm in the workplace with possibly deliberately obtuse colleagues. You need to deal with what’s going on now at work. I don’t think the move is to proactively get your side of the story out to the entire office, because that’s just going to give fuel to the fire and prolong the drama. If someone brings it up, or tells you they “heard” something, I would just calmly correct the record. Don’t say that you know Anna called CPS (you don’t!) and don’t roll your eyes that she didn’t get your sarcasm—that’s not going to land and is going to make you look bad. It sounds like you have people in the office who are clearly on your side, so lean on them. They likewise don’t need to be launching a campaign on your behalf, but they should feel like they can also correct the record when asked.

And finally—you’re still in the postpartum period. Give yourself some grace, let yourself be pissed (because whether or not she actually called CPS herself, I think it’s safe to say that her line of questioning likely led to CPS being called), and keep your interactions with Anna to a minimum. Hopefully she finds another hobby, stat.

—Doree

Classic Prudie

My husband and I are at crossroads about how to confront our sons about a discovery we made while visiting their shared flat. They are stepbrothers technically—note the word “technically.” My husband and I are both widowers who met and bonded at a support group for single parents surviving after cancer.