Why Everything Your Partner Says Irritates You

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli

Jasmine rolls her eyes. Joel is still talking.

He hasn't filed the taxes. He tried five times and never succeeded. When she asks him to pick something up at the supermarket, he forgets what she asked for. As we work, Joel defends himself with every sentence. The longer he goes, the more childish he looks.

They are stuck in the mommy-son dance, and it is a dance we've seen a million times in the clinic.

The toll Jasmine pays is that every time she opens her mouth, she is interpreted as an upset, tired, disappointed mommy testing him.

I stop the dialogue. "You are stuck in negative sentiment override."

"What's that?" Joel asks.

"Let me tell you a joke. How do you know a lawyer is lying?"

Jasmine jumps in, laughing. "He opens his mouth!"

The three of us laugh. The room opens up a bit.

"Exactly. And how do we know Joel is being childish and irresponsible? He opens his mouth. How do we know Jasmine is unhappy and disappointed? She opens her mouth." They smile and look at each other.

Researchers John and Julie Gottman found that partners in a tense relationship start to interpret each other's actions and intentions negatively, even when they are neutral or positive. They call it negative sentiment override (NSO).

It starts when your love tank is empty, and you get more complaints than warmth. Disappointment and insult color your relational glasses. After that, anything they say, whether it's "what's wrong?" or "I love you," gets read in that unfavorable light.

We see NSO as an innate defense mechanism that protects us when we don't feel safe. That is why it is so hard to soften. And it is usually mutual. Every interpretation Joel gives to Jasmine's behavior strengthens the one she gives to his.

The Gottmans named it and gave initial instructions. In the clinic we built a practical approach.

1. Map the Loop

Both partners need to see the systemic pattern of mutual interpretations.

I ask Jasmine for her default interpretation of Joel: "He's inefficient, because he's deficient." What does that make you feel? "Angry and disconnected." And then how do you usually react? She names three. She disengages and does it herself. She gives an "unsuccessful motivational speech." Or she throws a jab dressed as a question.

Joel's default interpretation of Jasmine: "She's testing me, and she's already disappointed." That makes him feel trapped and helpless. Then he lashes out to feel less bad. Or he does the task on a kamikaze mission, knowing it won't make "mommy" happy. Or he explains himself in detail, which is defending himself.

Map the actions, not only the interpretations. The drawing shows couples how fast their brains lock the dance, and how they both feed it.

2. Compare the Numbers and Own Your Shadow

Then I ask each for a percentage. "Out of 100 percent of the times your partner communicates with you, how often do you have that negative interpretation?" Jasmine said 80 percent. Joel said 90.

Second question, which puts that read next to the negativity actually intended. "What percentage of the time are you really in that mode?" Joel owned 50. Jasmine owned 80.

They both overshoot. Jasmine's read of Joel runs 30 points hot. Not because he's inefficient and deficient, but because he's different. Joel's read of Jasmine runs 10 points hot. She is not looking for a son to manage. She is looking for a partner. Seeing the size of your own false positive is what makes you curious again.

The numbers only work if you own your shadow. We all behave nastily to our partner sometimes. Schnarch calls it normal marital sadism. NSO develops because partners deny or minimize their unavoidable aggression, which leaves their partner mind-reading.

So own it every time you behave badly, even retroactively. "Yesterday, when I rolled my eyes at you, I really did judge you about dinner. Sorry." That is how your partner's somatic polygraph, the poly-body, learns the difference between their interpretation and you actually being nasty.

3. Pick a Code Word

Play is the lubricant of relationships. One playful technique is code words, which keep partners collaborative when one of them is flooding. If you can remember the code word, you have enough prefrontal cortex left to not go into your usual violin.

Each partner picks one. Nothing triggering or dramatic. A short, playful word with a positive association.

Joel chooses "Kinder" to replace this sentence: "Jasmine, everything you're saying is landing on me as if you're the disappointed mommy, and I don't want to go into feeling trapped and helpless."

Jasmine chooses "Bueno" for this one: "Joel, right now I'm interpreting everything you say as an immature child, so I'm checking with you. Are you in child mode?"

When you're flooded, or around guests, these sentences are hard to remember or express. Saying bueno is easy.

When your partner uses the word, stop, breathe, and survey your poly-body. If you're behaving negatively, own it and take a timeout. If their interpretation is wrong, say so calmly and hold on to yourself. Then they'll have to choose to believe you and soften the interpretation. If they can't, they ask for the timeout.

Clean Your Glasses

It may not be just your interpretation. Maybe Joel is actually inefficient and deficient. Maybe Jasmine has lost her ability to see him with love. I don't know.

What we focus on is helping both partners clean their ears and eyes, so they can correctly assess their current marriage, before negotiating the next marriage they want.

Oftentimes the biggest enemy for couples is not each other. It is their filters, full of calcified negativity, preventing them from meeting in the truth. Cleaning the glasses turns relational exclamation marks into question marks.

Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.

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