When you think of infidelity, your mind likely goes to emotional or sexual cheating. But in a relationship, betrayal can look like a variety of things—and some of them don’t even involve another person. Sometimes, the secrets you keep from your partner are all about money.
“Financial infidelity is when someone intentionally keeps money or financially related information from a partner,” financial therapist and educator Dr. Erika Rasure tells Cosmopolitan. “This usually happens because they think a partner would be hurt or upset if they knew about the purchase or financial decision.” This might look like having a secret credit card or debt that your partner knows nothing about. But it can also be smaller things like being dishonest about the price of a purchase, always rounding down, hiding receipts and shopping bags. Sometimes, people will even keep a separate account without telling their partner and give money to family members without them knowing. For 13 percent of men, financial infidelity meant not telling their partner how much money they were spending on sports betting.
“Lying by omission counts too,” Dr. Rasure says. And it happens more than you’d think.
According to Bankrate, 40 percent of adults in live-in relationships have committed some form of financial infidelity. This isn’t because people don’t think it’s a big deal. In fact, 45 percent of people in serious relationships where they consider finances, think financial infidelity is just as bad if not worse than physically cheating.
“Remember, money is more than the number in the bank,” Dr. Rasure explains. “It’s tied to safety and the future you're building together, whether that’s a marriage, home, kids, or retirement. Hidden debt, like any secret, can put that future at risk, so the betrayal hits both emotionally and practically.”
Feeling safe with your partner is a huge factor. And, financial infidelity just makes you trust your partner less. Dr. Rasure says that every healthy relationship requires honesty and vulnerability—so when you hide things about your finances, it makes your partner question what else you may be hiding.
Why Do People Financially Cheat?
You’re entitled to your financial independence and to spend your money how you want. But when you’re in a partnership where finances are involved, you do have a responsibility of transparency with your partner. Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to have someone approve a charge any time you want to buy yourself a pair of shoes or a fancy dinner.
“Privacy is something you've agreed on together,” Dr. Rasure explains. “Secrecy is something you're actively managing, so your partner won't find out.” So if you find that you’re actually curating what your partner sees or knows about your bank statement or purchases, there’s probably a reason behind that.
It’s usually not about the money, she says—but rather, what the money says about them as a person and as a partner. When there is financial infidelity in a relationship, it’s often rooted in shame and embarrassment. They’re worried debt will make them look irresponsible. Or, they might even have a spending habit that feels uncontrollable. Either way, they’re worried about how their partner will perceive them as a result of their financial behaviors.
“Financial infidelity can be an attempt to protect yourself from the shame that ultimately creates the very rejection you were trying to avoid,” Dr. Rasure says.
Financial infidelity can be the sign of an unhealthy relationship. Dr. Rasure says that sometimes, when you’re in a relationship where money decisions don’t feel equal, you’ll respond with financial infidelity to protect your independence. But those who see themselves doing this know deep down that healthy relationships have financial independence without financial deception.
Dr. Rasure says that financial infidelity can also be a result of our upbringing and how we saw other relationships in our life handle financial decisions. If you grew up being criticized by parents or other family members for how you spend money, hiding purchases just might be your default. Also, if you saw one of your parents hide purchases—and were taught that that was normal—that may come up in your relationships as well.
“If we don't talk about money when things are good, why would we when they're not?” she says. “A secret usually starts small, and the longer it lives, the harder it feels to undo.”
Can Relationships Bounce Back After Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity can cause a huge shake to trust in a relationship, which can impact the entire foundation—but that doesn’t mean that you and your partner can’t work toward rebuilding trust if someone has been hiding debt or big purchases. Dr. Rasure says that the first step is honesty. Go figure.
“The partner who kept the secret needs to own the impact without spiraling into shame, and the partner who discovered it deserves space to feel hurt,” she says. “Both can be true at the same time.”
And then—like with many things involving money—you’ll need a plan.
Obviously there has been some sort of breakdown in communication about finances. To make sure financial infidelity doesn’t happen again, it’s up to you and your partner to build a system where you can work on that communication.
This could look like having a regular financial date night where you review purchases, savings, and financial planning together—or whatever other system works for you. What’s important is setting clear boundaries around what requires a check-in, how both partners can feel like they have equal say in finances, and maybe even consulting a financial or couples therapist to help guide conversations about money. No one really teaches us how to talk about these things, so there’s no shame in needing a little extra help. Over time, you can work to repair your relationship.
“Trust is rebuilt through consistency over time, not one big conversation,” Dr. Rasure says. “Financial wellness in relationships isn't about perfection; it's about progress, and honoring your partnership one small step at a time.”