Big-Ass Bag: Lululemon’s new tote takes ‘ludicrously capacious’ to its logical, terrifying conclusion

In the season four premiere of Succession, Tom Wambsgans delivered what might be the most devastating takedown of an accessory in television history. Targeting Cousin Greg’s date and her oversized plaid Burberry tote, he sneered: “She’s brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What’s even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? I mean, Greg, it’s monstrous. It’s gargantuan. You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job.”

It’s safe to say that Tom was not a fan. But Lululemon was taking notes. Earlier this year, it officially dropped a palatial vessel literally named the ‘Big-Ass Bag’. It is not an April Fools joke. It is a real, actual tote, with a wild 80L capacity and a water-repellent polyester finish, just in case you’re lugging the entirety of your life’s possessions across town in a downpour. You don’t have to fork out over £2,000 for this particular ludicrously capacious bag either: instead, you can channel Santa Claus for a mere £228.

Many thoughts ran through my mind as I contemplated the Big-Ass Bag. ‘What am I packing for? A polar expedition?’ I mused, as I unfolded it in the office, where it promptly unfurled from its mini bag container (which you can use as an extra clip-on tote in the extremely unlikely event that you run out of packing space) and hit the back of my knees.

Unlike the offending Burberry crossbody in Succession, this bag is unassuming in everything but size, lacking the luxury cachet of an obviously expensive designer tote but, with it, also any accusations of gaucheness. Instead, it favours a utilitarian black polyester shell with multiple sensible external pockets for your water bottle(s), headphones(s) and lunchbox(es). Tom will be relieved, and it's certainly not for bringing along to your new millionaire boyfriend’s party, but it still left my colleagues astounded on sight. Many wandered over to my desk to check that what they’d just seen was to be believed and that I had, in fact, just unleashed a really large bag. But none of them proffered a suggestion as to where they’d use it.

Alas, it’s useless for air travel. You can’t use it as carry-on luggage (far too big, surely) and it lacks the protective shell you’d want in order to check it in the hold. So what to do? There must be some scenarios that call for a Big-Ass Bag. Indeed, it has already racked up a couple of reviews on the brand’s website – and both gave it five stars. So I’ve wracked my brains and come up with some scenarios that may necessitate this purchase. Should you ever find yourself in such a situation, you’ll know what to do.

The extreme weekend over-packer

You know who you are – the type that goes away for a two-night countryside break, but packs for four distinct climates and three potential dress codes, with four pairs of boots, a duvet because you "don't trust hotel bedding", and your full-sized pillow. Now, when people judge you, you can tell them that you didn’t even bring a suitcase, and instead heave this 80-litre nylon monolith off your shoulder while announcing, “just a light tote.”

The ultimate IKEA sweep

It’s happened to us all. You enter a market (or worse, IKEA) intending to buy "just a few bits" and end up laden with so many wares that you have to call an emergency Uber home as you don’t have enough hands to manoeuvre yourself and all of your – really rather unnecessary, come to think of it – purchases onto the London Underground. Not any more! Now, instead of grabbing a trolley, you can deploy the Big-Ass Bag. An hour later, you’ll be walking down the high street effortlessly carrying three artisanal sourdough loaves, a crate of oat milk, a potted fiddle-leaf fig and a flat-packed bookcase inside the main compartment.

Moving house on a budget

You’ve had a falling out with your flatmate or partner – or your lease is up in two hours. Rather than going through the aggro of packing everything up into separate cardboard boxes, you can now stuff your entire wardrobe, duvet, toaster, and bedside lamp into the bag, zip it up and exit the building like a seamless, speedy athleisure bank robber.

Ultimately, is the Big-Ass Bag absurd? Completely. I can literally fit inside it (don't believe me? See image to the left). But I can’t deny that it’s compelling. At the end of the day, do I secretly want to roll up to my next weekend trip carrying on my shoulder what looks like a gothic hot air balloon waiting to be fired up? Absolutely.

You can shop Lululemon's Big-Ass Bag on the brand's website.