I’m Flabbergasted by My Daughter’s Behavior With Her Coat

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter “Mira” is 10. She can be a perfectionist about things like a drawing she’s working on, building a model, or writing with very tidy handwriting. Usually, this doesn’t cause problems besides her taking longer than other kids to finish something. But we’ve clashed recently about her new winter coat.

I noticed a small hole under the arm and sewed it closed. Mira spotted the repair, and now she’s refusing to wear the jacket at all! She tried to walk to school in just a T-shirt this morning, and when I told her she needed to put the jacket on because it’s already getting cold where we live, she was very upset. When she thought she was out of my sight, she took it off, and I caught her trying to stuff it in her bag. She’s worn the jacket less than a week.

It’s under the arm, so you can’t even see the repair unless you’re looking on purpose! My mother has the same aversion and will just throw out any clothing with any scuff or slight damage. But she has a lot more money than I do. I normally sympathize with Mira, but I can’t afford to give up on a brand new jacket because of a sewn seam only a centimeter long. This is not a lifetime habit we are getting into, period. What can I do?

—Jacket Mom

Dear Jacket Mom,

Mira is at a tough age where she’s trying to figure out a lot about herself and others. So, I wonder if some of this perfectionism stems from how she thinks others might perceive her. While it’s true that no one is looking under her arm, she might think she needs to conceal it. I can imagine she might be nervously keeping her arm down and feeling self-conscious until she can finally take the jacket off altogether.

I remember how kids would tease other kids who had torn clothes or clothes with holes in them. Maybe she sees that kind of teasing, too, and while, as adults, we know that there’s a difference between something that needs replacing if we have the means to do so and something that can just be repaired and kept, she could be worrying about the reaction from her peers. I would ask her about what’s going on instead of assuming that she has the same aversion as your mom.

If she shares a worry about what other people think, talk to her about the importance of being happy with herself. Tell her: “There’s no way to completely avoid being teased. Kids are always going to find something. So it’s important to be confident in yourself. Wear what you want to wear and what you like.”

If she expresses that she really doesn’t like anything that could be scuffed or slightly imperfect, talk with her about value and waste. Discuss what it means to be sustainable and be good stewards of our belongings and the environment. If your mom didn’t feel this way growing up, it might not be a conversation you naturally thought to have. But it can be important to both model how to (like you are doing by patching things up to make them almost as good as new) and discuss why it’s important to value what we have. It’s not just about money! Even if you could afford to buy a new jacket, it sounds like what she could really stand to learn here is how we should treat our things.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife “Jamie” is causing unnecessary upset for our 5-year-old son, “Harold.” Harold wants to be a clown for Halloween, and they have always freaked Jamie out. So much so that she has told Harold he needs to choose something else. Our son really wants to go as a clown and doesn’t understand why Mom is so against it. I say we can keep the clown costume out of sight until it’s time for him to go trick-or-treating.  Shouldn’t Jamie be willing to swallow her discomfort temporarily for Harold’s sake?

—Not Everyone Loves a Clown

Dear Not Everyone Loves a Clown,

While I also used to be totally scared of clowns, your wife and I have something greater in common: We are adults. There is no need to ruin a 5-year-old’s fun. But be honest with your wife and don’t keep secrets.

Let her know that you think it’s important to let your son choose his own costume and allow him to have autonomy as part of this fun night. Then offer to keep it away from her so that she doesn’t have to see it. She absolutely needs to be willing to swallow her discomfort here. Halloween is for him, and her comfort shouldn’t come before his very reasonable request.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve been separated from my kids’ mom for about three years, sharing 50/50 custody, though it probably breaks down a little more like 55/45 (I am more likely to take them a few extra nights if Mom needs time for work or travel). My daughter (9) has always identified with and been very attached to her mom.

Recently, she seems mopier than usual at my house—asking when she’s going back to Mom, talking about missing her all the time, saying she can’t be happy being away from her. I usually validate her—“You love your mom, and she loves you, so of course you miss her; this is when you’ll see her next.” I’ve asked if there’s anything she’d like to change about my house to make her happier here, and she says she is happy, but just misses her mom. We have a good relationship, and generally I think this stuff is fine and normal (and I don’t want her to feel bad about saying it to me—even if my feelings are a little hurt, that’s not her problem). But is there anything else I should say or do? I wish she were happier here, even if it’s normal.

—Dad’s House Is Fine Too

Dear Dad’s House Is Fine Too,

You’re a good parent for validating your daughter’s feelings. It seems like you and your kids’ mom have a great co-parenting relationship, but even so, if a kid seems to have a strong preference for where they’d like to be, it’s hard not to at least want to fix that for them. But this might just be a time in your daughter’s life where she needs to wait these feelings out.

Your daughter isn’t quite a preteen, but especially in today’s world, with 9-year-olds having access to very teenager-like things such as social media and an excessive amount of social influence, it could very well be that your daughter is starting to have certain struggles and feelings that she wants to talk specifically with her mom about. She might not even be in a position yet where she can voice these concerns! They could be about parts of her life like her body image, having crushes, or other subjects she doesn’t quite feel comfortable talking to you about but might not know why. These are growing pains! I went through the same thing, as someone whose parents were divorced, albeit a bit later than her, around the ages of 13 or 14.

In the meantime, though, you and her mom can make some small adjustments to help your daughter feel more at peace when she’s at your house. Maybe it’s a morning call to start the day to remind her that her mom is always just a phone call away, or a FaceTime at night where she can share what happened at school—something that could be extra helpful if she feels things are happening in her life that she can only share with her right now. Good luck, and remember you and her mom are doing a great job in a tough and challenging period of parenting.

—Arionne

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