I Accidentally Supersized My Penis

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

What’s the deal with penis pumps? I bought one thinking it would be just a toy, having read that it had no long lasting side effects, but I’ve been using it for about a month now and I do notice some changes on my dick!

I’ve been using it around three times a week, no longer than 10 minutes each, and boy, it’s been fun. It grows about two centimeters each time I use it, but more important than length, these two extra centimeters are volumetric. It’s far more growth than I was expecting.

But my flaccid penis has seen some changes, too. I’m a grower and circumcised, so it feels like I’ve developed new skin or more elastic skin around my foreskin (looks like an accordion, to be honest) and my glans feels bigger too, even when limp. Now, I was perfectly happy with my penis before, but having tried this, I would love to know if these changes are permanent. Is there any risk involved?

—Pump It Up

Dear Pump It Up,

If pumps could reliably enlarge men’s penises significantly, you wouldn’t need to write in. This would be a known fact. It would be the law of the land. Every adult with a penis would be issued a pump so they could maximize size because this is something we care about deeply as a culture.

That said, pumps have been known to increase size somewhat—after a six-month period, participants in a 2006 study had an average growth of 0.3 centimeters. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, told me via email that it’s “not out of the question that guys can add 1-1.5 cm” by pumping. So about half an inch in extreme cases—that’s nothing to turn your nose up at if you care about these things, but it’s hardly game-changing.

Besides recreational play and for the potential (meager) size-adding benefits, pumps are used for erectile dysfunction. For example, they are used to rehab the effects of prostate cancer treatment. Welliver said the benefits are generally felt in the three-to-six month range and that “it’s probably not doing much” after. Penis pumps are generally considered safe. Many have limiting features to prevent damage to the penis. Those with blood disorders and people taking blood thinners, though, should be careful and perhaps avoid use all together. Some side effects include pain/bruising and/or a penis that feels numb, cold, or looks bluish. If you experience any of these things, take a break until your penis returns to its previous state or consider discontinuing all together. As always, if something occurs that is concerning, visit a doctor for personalized guidance.

As long as your dick feels good and has no signs of trauma, this is absolutely something that you can use to have fun and maybe gain marginal size. Pump away and be safe.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been dating someone new for three months. I’m not the most experienced in oral but I’m also not a total novice. But every time I give him a blowjob, he asks, without fail, for me to slow down or pause because he’s weirdly very ticklish. I’m not sure what could be causing that feeling, because it would kill the mood to ask about it in the moment, and we don’t talk about it afterward. This has never happened to me before. Is this a thing? I mean it obviously is for him, but are there any moves I should stay away from?

—Not Tickled

Dear Not Tickled,

Penises definitely range in sensitivity. I wonder if your man is literally ticklish, which is definitely possible, or if he’s prone to premature ejaculation and is asking you to slow down/pause because he feels like he’s going to cum. In other words, is he actually ticklish, or is he “ticklish?”

Regardless, you should follow up with him for clarity. He wasn’t worried about ruining the mood via guidance so at minimum he should be able to do that the whole way through. If you’d be into his blow-by-blow while you’re blowing him, ask him to talk you through it. Some guys like to be sucked very slowly and gently. Edging a guy with your mouth almost always requires explicit communication, because in its absence, you’ll make him shoot, which then ends the edging session and, if too early for his/your liking, defeats the purpose.

Whether you do it during sex or after, following up and asking him exactly what he likes and what you should stay away from is totally OK and here it seems necessary. If he enjoys receiving head, I promise that he wants the best head possible and the surest way to achieve that is through clear and direct communication. If I advise you to refrain from deep throating him because that may hit all of his ticklish spots at once, or could be helping deprive him of something that actually really works for him. That’s why I think this conversation is best had between you two. A particularly sensitive penis requires a specific conversation on how to treat it. Ideally he would have already debriefed you, but since he hasn’t in full, request some more information and tell him you’re doing it for the good of his blowjobs.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a trans-masculine butch in a loving, wonderful, amazing relationship with a currently non-op trans woman. A majority of the time we have sex it consists of foreplay and oral, and we both find it very satisfying, despite not meeting standard cisheteronormative expectations of sex. So what is the problem, you might be wondering? We are both hypothetically interested in me using a harness and anally penetrating her, and we have tried this on several occasions; however, we’ve only had complete success with it one or two times.

The process is somewhat daunting and never works out the way it does when we’re just mutually fantasizing about it. What typically happens is I will spend some time fingering her, trying to ease her into it, and then attempt to use the strap. Either it will be uncomfortable for her and we stop before I get to the actual penetration, and she feels embarrassed and I feel inadequate, or we start and can’t find a good position or rhythm that doesn’t result in my hips or knees giving out prematurely, and then we stop. We’ve had success with her riding my strap cowgirl style, but she prefers to be more submissive, and I would like to be more dominant, so it’s not particularly workable. In addition, while wearing a strap is highly gender affirming for me, not being able to feel exactly what I’m doing makes it more difficult to top.

Are there any positions for anal that are comfortable for relative beginners and conducive to strap use? Or are there any tips we can use to make this easier for both of us? We are each other’s first sexual partner, so neither of us has much experience in this department. Not being able to have anal sex is not a deal breaker, but it would be nice.

—Strapped and Loaded

Dear Strapped and Loaded,

Even if the perfect sexual position has been elusive so far, you’re in a good place more broadly speaking. Your satisfaction does not depend on your ability to successfully pull off anal. This is just an enhancement; the stakes are relatively low.

There are a few moving parts here (and only some of them are made of flesh). If your partner is finding anal penetration uncomfortable, you may need to work on her longer. Fingering/rimming is a good warmup. You can also try using smaller toys on her, graduating to the strap-on when she feels ready. See also Dr. Carlton’s butt-clock technique, which involves light stretching of the anus with fingers at various points to help slowly open it up. You can also try to use your strap-on dildo on her before you hop into the harness—just use it with your hands at first to help her relax into it and open up. Then you can strap up its feeling good.

Positioning is really going to be couple specific; there isn’t really a prescription to guarantee results because everyone’s bodies fit together differently. You just have to try everything. Something like entering from behind while you’re both on your sides can be extremely pleasurable and doesn’t always require pronounced thrusting, but only you two can determine if it works for you. If you’re feeling like your body just can’t meet the demands of the activity, consider working on relevant muscle groups at the gym. Bridges, hip-thrusts, squats, and deadlifts might help make this all easier. (See this recent previous column for more guidance here.) In the meantime, to ease the burden on your body, try standing next to the bed and entering her in doggy—you may find it’s easier to move her body back and forth on the dildo, and she can help with the thrusting. I understand that she wants to be totally passive, but this may be a situation where not everything plays out perfectly, but it’s fun enough anyway even with concessions made. If you’ve had some success with cowgirl, think of that as something you can build on or return to when other positions aren’t quite working.

Something else you might want to check is whether you have the right strap-on for you/your body, as well as the right dildo for her. Again, refer to the linked-above post for some tips, but this will necessarily involve trial and error. And yes, using a strap-on isn’t necessarily going to be directly physically pleasurable for you. There are so-called “strapless strap-ons,” which anchor the dildo via insertion into the person wearing it (as opposed to strapping it on), but if you don’t use that hole, that’s not going to work for you. You might focus on the mental aspect of it if you’re going to keep it strapped externally—it’s more about what you can provide to your partner by topping in this way and less about the physiological effects it has on you. In that respect, it’s like oral or fingering. It can still be very fun/gratifying but it’s a specific kind of fun/gratifying.

—Rich

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My wife and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14, and we have two kids. I thought everything in our marriage was fine, but two days ago she made an announcement that left me reeling. She suddenly said she has been sexually dissatisfied for the past seven years—and my options are either to allow her to open the marriage or to end it. My pleas for us to attend couples’ therapy have been brushed off. What can I do?