Starting tomorrow, I will officially be a full-time stay-at-home mom. It will be my first time not working in over a decade, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified of the future.
As you all know, I've been with Newsweek for nearly a decade and have been working part-time since March when I had a mental breakdown about going back to work after having my son. The time has now come for me to leave Newsweek, so this is the last column I'll write.
I'll always be grateful for the time I've had here, the people I've met, and the things I've learned. I've been at Newsweek almost as long as the show Friends was on air, and I've known some of my coworkers longer than I've known my husband. Newsweek was never just what I did; it was who I am. It's been my identity for years.
So, what is going to happen when that identity goes away? I honestly don't know, but just like I did during maternity leave, I'm going to have to learn who I am outside of my career and my habitual need to be working.
I'm going to have to realign my self-worth with who I am as a person and not who I am as a job. I'm going to have to get comfortable with people not being impressed by my "cool" job when we go to parties and settle into the casual silence that usually comes after you tell someone you're a stay-at-home mom.
...
Come Monday when I'd normally sit down at my desk, sign onto Teams and catch up on what I missed over the weekend, it'll be strange to be sitting on the floor watching my toddler play with his toys instead.
Of course, I've gotten a taste of that life working part time. Now, I'm not sure if that has made me feel more comfortable or more anxious about this transition.
I've asked myself if I can really handle being home with my toddler every single day. Being a mom is having no autonomy for 12 or more hours a day. You're constantly being touched, asked for something, having to get up and down off the floor, clean gross substances off things and try to regulate an emotionally unstable human being.
You know what you can do at work that you can't do as a stay-at-home mom? Go to the bathroom by yourself. My toddler's newest party trick is trying to put toilet paper into the toilet while I'm sitting on it going to the bathroom.
What if I'm only a good mom because I get those three days to be an independent person? What if without those days at work I get so frustrated that I yell at my son? What if I don't like being with my kids 12 hours a day, seven days a week?
These are all questions that I've resisted vocalizing until now because saying these kinds of fears out loud makes you a bad mom. And you're an especially bad mom if you wonder about these things after you paid thousands of dollars in IVF treatments and had a successful pregnancy after only your first transfer while other women in the waiting room have endured years of heartbreak.
But then I think about what life would look like if I went back to work full time. What if I'm only a good mom because I get those two days at home with my son? What if without those two days off from work I get so burnt out that I yell at my son? What if I don't like being with my kids only 3 hours a day?
I think about the holiday traditions and the memories I want to make with my kids. I think about the school plays and field trips and soccer games that don't work around the demanding schedule of breaking news.
I can't see the future to know if it's the right decision for me to leave Newsweek. My coping mechanism has always been making jokes, and I keep telling coworkers I may be back in a few months with a sign that says, "will write for food."
But I know that the professional-personal balance I want from life isn't one that sets me up for success in the news business. And if I can't be successful, I don't want to do it. So, there's no part of me that is questioning my decision to leave.
And that has given me enough peace to temporarily quiet the anxiety.
So, I say goodbye to you all. If you want to stay in touch, you can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and on Substack. And genuinely, thank you for giving me the space to be honest and vulnerable about motherhood and for all your kind emails and comments.