My ex-husband and I have been separated for three years. In August, we finalised our divorce.
If you were to look at us from the outside, however, it might seem like nothing has changed.
We're still living under the same roof, just in different rooms. We still have family outings. We celebrate our children's milestones, such as preschool graduations, and even go on holidays together.
Some people find it strange. Others assume we must still be together. Then, there are those who ask us: "If you're divorced, why are you still going out together?"
My response is usually: "Why can't we? Does being divorced mean we must hate each other?"
To us, ending our marriage does not mean we have to stop being a family to our children and dismantle every aspect of our relationship with each other.
There is no longer a romantic relationship between us, but what remains is a family we both want to show up for.
We are still parents to our two boys, aged nine and eight, and our six-year-old daughter.
THE LEAD-UP TO THE DIVORCE
My ex-husband and I spent many years together building a family and creating memories. Even though our marriage has ended, those years still matter, and our children will always connect us.
We met through a dating application in 2013 and got married about three years later.
There wasn't one single moment when everything broke down, but over time, my trust in the marriage was affected by issues I prefer to keep private out of respect for him and our family,
I chose to forgive him, but the hurt didn't disappear.
Tensions between him and my family also made living with my parents more difficult. After we had children, much of my attention went towards raising them, and we gradually drifted apart.
Divorce wasn't an overnight decision.
I spent a long time asking myself whether I still wanted the marriage, or whether I was afraid of what ending it would mean for our children, for our family and for how others would see us.
I was also afraid because I didn't know how he would react. After all, he loves the kids as much as I do. What if he wanted to fight for custody?
To my surprise, when I brought up the topic, he was calm and open to discussing it. That gave us room to talk about the children and how we would move forward.
Eventually, we agreed to proceed with an uncontested divorce.
While my parents were understanding because they had known about our difficulties for a long time, my in-laws were more concerned. They were hoping that we could salvage the marriage for the children. I remember them urging, "Stay for the children".
I understood why they would say this, but I also had to think about what staying would look like.
What would our children learn from watching us? I want them to grow up understanding love, respect and healthy boundaries, instead of seeing their parents remain in an unhappy marriage.
For us, ending the marriage meant accepting that we could no longer make it work as a couple, without walking away from our responsibilities as parents.
In the end, I explained to my in-laws that we would continue raising the children together.
They came to understand our decision, and I still speak with them on the phone from time to time. We have maintained a good relationship because they are still the children's grandparents, and that connection matters to me.
CO-PARENTING UNDER ONE ROOF
My ex-husband and I now live in the same flat at a public housing estate, but in separate rooms.
When his new home is ready next March, we have agreed that the children can stay with him on Friday and Saturday nights.
He told me that I'm welcome at his new place whenever the children are there.
He also said that he wants to remain actively involved in the children's lives, and we plan to continue making space for shared family time.
Our marriage has ended, but our job as their parents has not.
Our arrangement works because we're both comfortable with it and feel safe living this way.
I know that it would not be appropriate, or even possible, for every separated couple.
We hope to keep being there together for the events that matter as our children grow up. At these events, I want them to look into the audience and see both of us cheering them on.
I don't want them to feel that they have to manage our feelings just because both parents are still in the same home.
For now, the kids get to decide which parent's room they're sleeping in for the night; they know that they can come to either of us.
And when all three want to sleep with one parent, the other parent gets the night off.
Sometimes, they'll say, "Today, I'll sleep with Mama. Tomorrow, I'll sleep with you, okay, Papa?"
Once the children are asleep, we usually spend the night separately in our own rooms.
We'll text each other about the children's arrangements the next day: who's taking them out, what's planned and who's handling what.
Outside of parenting, we give each other privacy. Like friends, we share what we are comfortable sharing and respect what the other chooses to keep private.
This might be surprise some people, but I don't find it difficult to see my ex-husband constantly.
After living together for 13 years, we still a friendship.
The romantic relationship has ended, but that does not mean all care disappears. I still want him to be well, and I sometimes wonder how he will adjust when he moves out and starts living alone.
During our separation these past few years, the children naturally noticed that we slept in different rooms, so I introduced the subject of divorce gradually.
I remember telling my oldest son that if Mama and Papa were no longer together one day, we would still love him just as much.
He immediately asked whether I meant divorce. I was surprised by how much he knew. He said that he didn't understand relationships, but that it was our decision and he was okay with us making it.
His response touched me, although I knew it wasn't his responsibility to approve our decision.
My daughter even asked, "Mummy, if you get married again, will you invite me?"
That made me laugh, but it touched me, too. Of course I would.
Her question reminded me that children can see things differently from adults. What mattered to her in that moment was knowing that she would still be included in my life.
Fortunately, despite some adjustments to routines such as bedtime, the children are still very much themselves.
They play, laugh, and argue as siblings do, and they continue doing well in school.
We reassure them through everyday routines, including spending time together as a family, helping them with homework, and celebrating their milestones.
The kids' reactions have shown me that they understand more than I expected. Still, I don't assume that they will always feel the same way.
Their feelings may change as they grow older or when their father moves out.
I want them to know that they can ask questions or tell us if something feels difficult. Whatever changes, they will always have a place in both our lives.
Yet, keeping this arrangement doesn't mean that everything has been easy.
These past few years, I've come to realise that co-parenting requires us to put our egos aside repeatedly. We still have to communicate, make plans, keep our promises and respect each other's time.
I've also learnt that I can acknowledge the hurt in our marriage and still recognise the good he does as a father.
Being friendly doesn't erase the past. But it allows us to make decisions about the children without dragging every old disagreement into the conversation.
The biggest lesson is that our children experience co-parenting less through what we tell them and more through our everyday actions.
They notice whether we show up, how we speak to each other and whether they can talk freely about one parent in front of the other.
More than presenting a united front, I want to make sure they never feel caught between us. They shouldn't have to choose sides, carry messages between their parents or worry about keeping either of us happy.
A FUTURE AFTER DIVORCE
For a long time, I thought mainly about what everyone else needed and how divorce would affect them.
One of the hardest lessons was accepting that my own well-being and feelings mattered, too.
Choosing to end my marriage did not mean choosing myself over my children.
I could want a different future for myself while continuing to work with their father to give them love and stability.
My children are a big source of strength, and they give me a real sense of purpose and fulfilment.
There are still difficult days, but I try to seek support from other adults rather than place that emotional weight on my children. They shouldn't feel responsible for making either parent okay.
I've also learnt that other people may have strong opinions but, at the end of the day, my children and I are the ones living with my decisions every day.
Some separated parents continue spending time together as a family. Others need far more distance.
Neither arrangement should be treated as the model everyone has to follow.
What matters is finding something safe, respectful and workable for the people involved, especially the children.
Divorce is still something many families find difficult to talk about openly, but I think greater openness can help people feel less alone.
When we share these experiences honestly, we give people a fuller picture of life after divorce. That includes the awkward adjustments and difficult days, as well as the happy moments.
I hope my sharing helps other parents feel less alone and reminds children that nothing is embarrassing about having a family that looks different from someone else's.
Our marriage has ended, but our job as their parents has not. We still want to show up for our children – together when we can, and separately when we need to.
Pauline Pang is a mum of three. She posts about her divorce and co-parenting experiences on Instagram under the handle @itspaulynn.
If you have an experience to share or know someone who wishes to contribute to this series, write to voices [at] mediacorp.com.sg (voices[at]mediacorp[dot]com[dot]sg) with your full name, address and phone number.
Source: CNA/kl/sf