MELISSA: My ex and I broke up last year, and while I’ve been trying to move forward, I recently found out on Instagram that he is now engaged to one of our former classmates. They’re getting married this December. I know that people move on at different times, and I understand that our relationship is over. But knowing that he’s about to marry someone we both know makes the situation feel a little more personal. It’s difficult not to compare my life with theirs, especially when it seems like he has already found his next chapter while I’m still figuring out mine. I know being single doesn’t mean being incomplete, but sometimes it’s difficult to believe that when life seems to celebrate couples and milestones so much. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how I can move forward, find happiness in my own life, and stop feeling like I need to catch up with everyone else.
DJ: No need to pressure yourself to be okay overnight. You may genuinely wish them well and still feel uncomfortable about the situation. Both feelings can exist at the same time. But I hope you’ll eventually see that his next chapter is not a report card on how well you are doing in yours.
When someone you once loved gets engaged, the mind can turn a simple announcement into a series of questions. Why her? Why now? What does she have that I don’t? Shouldn’t I be there by now, too? The problem is that you’re comparing your behind-the-scenes struggles with someone else’s milestone. And because you know the people involved, it can feel even more personal.
Name the actual fear. It’s much easier to address a specific concern than to sit with the vague feeling that your whole life is somehow behind schedule. Then take one small action that addresses that fear. If you’re worried about loneliness, arrange time with a friend. If you’re worried about your future, make a plan for something you want to accomplish. If you miss the relationship, allow yourself to grieve without turning that grief into a judgment about your worth.
Make a list of ten things you value about yourself that have absolutely nothing to do with being someone’s girlfriend. Perhaps you are smart, funny, compassionate, creative or good at making people feel welcome. Keep adding to that list as you discover more about yourself. The goal is to build an identity that remains intact whether someone is holding your hand or not.
Sometimes we think happiness will begin when we meet the right person. We imagine the travels, dinners, holidays and ordinary Tuesday evenings we will share with someone someday. But why should all those experiences be placed on hold? You don’t need a partner to travel, try a new restaurant, learn a skill, watch a movie, or celebrate an achievement. Wanting companionship is different from postponing your life until it arrives.
Invest in your friendships as if they were real relationships because they are. Romantic love gets a lot of attention. But it is not the only kind of love that makes life rich. Don’t let your single years become a waiting room for romance. Build a community. Separate wanting a relationship from being unhappy without one.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner. The important thing is to avoid making a relationship the condition for enjoying your life. A full life doesn’t require a plus-one. It requires that you participate in your own life instead of waiting for someone else to begin it with you. Someone else’s wedding is not your deadline. Someone else’s happiness is not your competition. And being single is not a life on hold. Your story is happening now. Make it a good one.