We all need validation. Especially as children developing our sense of self, we need validation from our parents to build confidence and self-worth. Sadly, many of my clients didn’t receive enough validation when they were young, so now they struggle with low self-esteem.
If we worked hard on a school project, we needed to be told, “Well done! I’m so proud of you.” Crucially, not because we got an A for our project, but because we worked hard and did our best. Many parents, especially narcissistic ones, give praise only when their kids achieve highly.
That’s because narcissistic mums and dads see their kids as extensions of themselves. Their children’s success is their success. And their failures are also perceived to be a reflection of the self-involved parent, which triggers shame—an emotion that is unbearable for narcissistic folks.
If this is ringing bells for you, I’m sorry. It’s incredibly hard to grow up with this kind of parenting, because it progressively erodes your self-esteem, making you anxious and desperate for the tiny crumbs of praise and appreciation that come your way.
A Deep-Seated Hunger for Approval
Another thing I often see in my consulting room is people whose parents were too demanding, too pushy. Nothing was ever good enough for these hard taskmasters, making my clients feel worthless and like they could never measure up, no matter how hard they tried.
If your parent was like this, you may have internalized these overly demanding messages—“Try harder!” or “Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s so much smarter than you”—and now that messaging is internal, communicated by your inner critic.
Let’s examine this craving for approval through Debbie’s story. Debbie* came to see me because her self-esteem was at rock bottom. She had just been made redundant from her job, her relationship felt stagnant, and Debbie was worried her boyfriend was losing interest. Putting her job situation to one side for the moment, we focused on how she behaved in her relationship.
“I get really needy,” she admitted. “When Dave seems bored or disinterested, I try to get his attention and start fishing for compliments, asking if he finds me attractive or likes the new dress I’m wearing. I know it seems really shallow and I kind of hate myself for it, but I just can’t seem to stop.”
Little Debbie’s Yearning for Love
I reassured Debbie that it didn’t seem needy at all. She was at a low ebb, having just lost her job. And her boyfriend was often distracted, staring at his phone for hours. This lack of interest, feeling unseen and unheard, was painfully familiar to Debbie, because her mother was an alcoholic, drinking heavily every day throughout Debbie’s childhood.
“She was always bombed,” recalled Debbie tearfully. “I remember showing her a picture I drew of her at school, feeling really proud and hoping she would like it. But she was drunk, as usual, and spilled her drink all over it before laughing and staggering away. I felt crushed, but I kept drawing her pictures, hoping each time she would be happy, but she never was.”
Viewed through a schema therapy lens, poor Debbie’s normal, healthy needs for love and to be valued were profoundly unmet. Because this stressful event occurred over and over when she was young, she developed painful schemas in her brain, which are templates for how to respond to adverse events like these. Her defectiveness schema contained beliefs about being unlovable and unimportant, while an approval-seeking schema also developed, which was compensatory for the first schema. If she sought—and received—approval, this helped her feel a little better, numbing out the pain of that sense of being defective. As an adult, every time Debbie’s boyfriend ignored her, these schemas fired up, and she started working overtime to get his approval.
And viewed through the parts-based lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), the part of Debbie that felt so defective and worthless was Little Debbie, who held all the painful feelings, memories, and ways of thinking from the years of being hurt by her alcohol-befuddled, cruel mother. When this part got triggered, a protective part then sprang into action to try and build her fragile self-esteem with any kind of compliment, praise, or approval she could muster. Debbie called this her “Love Me” part because, ultimately, that's what she needed, as we all do: to be seen and loved.
Self-Esteem Essential Reads
Learning to Love Herself
Over time, we worked with these and other parts, especially her inner critic whose harsh, devaluing messaging kept Debbie feeling bad about herself. And we also focused on helping her realize that no amount of external praise or validation would heal the wounds of childhood. The more her Love Me part sought it out, the more people got frustrated with Debbie and turned away, so it was counterproductive. Instead, Debbie learned to validate herself, which in IFS terminology means helping her self—the warm, compassionate inner resource we all possess—connect with, love, and reassure Little Debbie.
This internal validation was not only infinite, because her self was available 24/7 whenever Little Debbie felt bad, but it was also rock-solid. What I have learned from helping hundreds of clients is that, unlike the fragile nature of external validation, we can always validate ourselves. This becomes a kind of healing habit, because if we do it enough, it becomes automatic whenever we feel bad.
Debbie went on to find another boyfriend, who was much more interested and rarely on his phone. She also got a new job, and her sense of worth gradually increased until she was a happy, contented young woman.
If you’re interested in learning about how schema therapy, IFS, and other trauma-informed models can help you feel stronger and more worthy, my new book, Heal Your Trauma: How to Overcome a Painful Childhood to Become Happy and Whole Again, provides a step-by-step guide to healing. I very much hope you enjoy it.
*All case studies in these posts are composites; I never tell the stories of real clients, as confidentiality is very important to me.