Family gatherings can bring us back to ways of being and relating that feel very old, far removed from our everyday lives. We may arrive feeling confident, capable, and secure, ready to navigate familiar yet turbulent waters, only to find ourselves repeating old patterns, such as seeking approval, becoming defensive, or struggling to speak.
Navigating difficult family relationships involves more than knowing what to say or how to enforce our personal boundaries. We also need to recognize how our own history shapes what we hear, what we expect, and who we become in those interactions. Therapy for relationship issues can help us understand why family encounters affect us so deeply, how some of those patterns are present in other areas of our life, and why they might be so hard to break.
As the holidays approach and you feel dread or anxiety creep in, “preparation” can begin with curiosity about these experiences. We cannot anticipate, let alone control, how others will behave, but we can become more aware of what we bring to the table.
Recognizing the Roles We Return To
Within a family system, whether a single parent with a single child or an extended family with numerous siblings, we take on specific roles. These roles may have been necessary to develop a sense of identity and belonging, or to secure attention and care from others.
For example, we may have become the dependable one who accommodates everyone else, the difficult one whose disagreement is dismissed or catered to, or the quiet one who appears to be “fine” even though their needs go unnoticed.
We may inhabit multiple roles, shifting depending on the circumstances, and they tend to persist long after childhood ends. These roles become central to how the family system operates, which is why we may feel a pull towards them. Sometimes our relatives continue to expect them of us; sometimes we resume them before anyone has asked.
These patterns and roles often developed around important emotional needs. For example, keeping everyone happy may have helped maintain closeness. Withdrawing may have protected us from humiliation or enmeshment. Becoming argumentative may have been the only way we felt we had to feel seen and heard. These responses carry with them a history and difficult feelings—anger, hurt, sadness, resentment—that we may not be aware of.
Hope, Longings, and Disappointments
Sometimes we arrive at family gatherings with hopes we have not acknowledged. Perhaps this time a parent will express recognition, approval, or pride, a sibling will try to repair an old injury, or everyone will feel close again. These are expressions of very old longings and emotional needs: the need to be seen, recognized, appreciated, and valued for who we are by those we love.
These hopes often remain unconscious, and we may actively deny them. Denying our own unfulfilled wishes and unmet needs might be preferred to experiencing the deep sadness and hurt those absences created. “Why would I want something that will never happen?” can be a defensive maneuver against the pain of mourning, as if the impossibility of repair undid the sense of loss.
These longings deserve recognition and compassion, regardless of whether they are likely to materialize. We also may need to surrender them, in order to avoid turning them into rigid expectations we place on others. This process isn’t easy because it usually involves grieving what we never had.
Family gatherings can confront us with these disappointments in ways that can be very painful. At the same time, when we approach them as tests to see if we are finally heard, respected, understood, taken seriously, or loved, ordinary disappointments and miscommunications can take on enormous significance. A distracted response from someone else, for example, may feel like confirmation that we have never mattered to them.
Preparation Starts Within
Before a family gathering, it might help to consider what has happened on previous occasions. What did you feel just before you became upset? Did you find yourself trying to keep everyone happy? Did you withdraw, feel defensive, or look for someone to take your side? Were you giving cues about something you wanted without asking directly? These questions might shed some light on the roles and hopes that may have been at stake.
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
Younger parts of ourselves will inevitably make an appearance at family gatherings. This can be comforting, as when we feel attended to and cared for by someone who knows us well, but also hurtful, anxiety-provoking, or enraging when we anticipate judgment, punishment, rejection, or humiliation. The aim is not to judge any of our reactions, but to recognize them early enough so that we may have some choice about what to do next.
Recognizing the inevitable interaction between past and present when you are with your family does not mean dismissing your perceptions or excusing mistreatment. But it can help you distinguish what is happening now from what you may have learned to anticipate. It can allow you to create a space between the past and the present, leaving room to behave and respond in ways that don’t feel like repetitions of old patterns.
Preparing emotionally also involves acknowledging any unfulfilled longings and wishes you might harbor, while at the same time considering what other people are realistically able to offer. Insisting on getting something you deeply need from someone unable to provide it is one of the most difficult things to experience—and yet growth will likely require us to surrender those demands. Recognizing these limitations may bring up difficult feelings of grief and sadness, but mourning can loosen the pressure we placed on others.
In addition to asking yourself what you hope from others, it is helpful to consider how you want to show up. Perhaps you want to speak more honestly, try to remain curious instead of being defensive, stop assuming responsibility for others’ enjoyment, or attempt to be more generous with your attention. An intention is no guarantee that things will be different, but it can enhance your sense of agency and direction.
You can also think ahead about how to confront difficult moments you can anticipate, such as responding to uncomfortable questions or hurtful comments, or setting boundaries if a conversation becomes heated. Boundaries are not about dictating other people’s behaviors, but about thinking in advance about how you want to engage.
Finally, preparation might involve deciding whether a shorter visit or no visit at all is appropriate. Most people will have multiple feelings about an upcoming family gathering when things have felt tense in the past: guilty for not wanting to go, obligated to attend, or excited to see specific people. We need to make space for the complexity of our emotions and try to balance them within ourselves.
Family dynamics can be difficult to recognize because they shaped our personality, our expectations of others, and how we experience ourselves. The goal of “preparation” is not to avoid discomfort or disappointment, since those are natural feelings in most close and long-standing relationships. Making sure everything goes peacefully and that everyone gets along is also an unrealistic goal to put on one person’s shoulders. What can be within reach is to acknowledge and accept the feelings, expectations, and hopes you are bringing within yourself, mourn unmet longings and unfulfilled wishes, consider how you want to engage with others, and set intentions for how you would like to show up.