My Once-Intelligent Wife Has Lost Herself in a Concerning Type of Book. This Can’t Be Good.

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Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have a pretty good relationship. But there’s one thing that is very hard for me to deal with, and that’s the fact that for the past three years, she has only read romance novels and fan fiction. She used to read literary fiction and biographies and non-fiction and we really enjoyed talking about books together. But now it’s just romance novels and fan fiction. I’ve asked why, and she says it’s just what she’s in the mood for. But she’s only been in the mood for this for years now! I married someone who was smart and vibrant and had a lot of opinions about books. Now if I ask her what her book is about, she’s like, “Oh you know, two people falling in love and fucking.”

She still will ask me interesting questions about the books I read. But I just don’t understand why she’s only reading this one type of book now. I have tried to probe further and she says it just feels good to read this. That life is hard and reading these books is easy. But I don’t think that’s how she used to feel. She used to read to be challenged and to learn things. I guess I just miss that part of her. I don’t want to “shame” her for reading these books, but I also want her to read other books, too. Any ideas?

—Reading Alone

Dear Reading Alone,

My first reaction to your letter involves a couple of guesses about your household, which may or may not be true, so disregard them if they’re not: Do you, by chance, have children? And does your wife, by chance, manage a lot of the “mental load”? That can include things like planning and scheduling and keeping snacks stocked and managing new and outgrown clothes for each season, but the part I’m specifically thinking about here is described in this Instagram account for well-intended clueless husbands as “Staying informed” by “reading current/best parenting practices, child safety, car seat installation, child development, food and sleep needs.” If her decreased interest in meatier books has coincided with increased responsibility for consuming nonfiction about how to keep your child or children alive and well, that might be an explanation. Maybe she is in fact reading to be challenged and to learn things, which is taking up a lot of her free time and mental energy, while you still have the same bandwidth you always did for books, because you know someone else will be looking into how to teach phonics at home and when experts say you can quartering grapes. If any of that resonates, try taking some of that work off her plate and see if she regains enough intellectual energy to consume the latest biography.

Beyond that, dismissing romance and fan fiction as lower value than the genres she previously read feels a little bit tinged with sexism, and very dismissive. You should rethink this! As Maria Vazquez argued in a recent piece for The Daily Texan, “Critics of romance often argue that the genre relies too heavily on a formula or fantasy, reinforcing unrealistic expectations about love. In some cases, that critique is justified. Certain subgenres depend on predictable tropes or idealized resolutions that may not reflect real relationships. But to judge the entire genre by its clichés is to overlook its range and evolution. Many romance authors intentionally subvert those very conventions by writing stories that challenge patriarchal norms or center healing after trauma. The presence of escapism doesn’t erase the genre’s substance; it highlights its capacity to balance comfort with critique.”

If your relationship with your wife—growing together, staying close through all the unexpected phases a marriage can go through, accepting the way she’s changed and will continue to change throughout your lives, and making her feel safe and accepted with you—is a higher priority for you than consistent media consumption habits (and I would hope it would be), try picking up one of her romance novel so you can discuss it with her. Remember that “two people falling in love and fucking” may be a summary of the plot of her books, but it’s also something you two want to be for the rest of your lives! And that’s more important than having an in-house book club.

Dear Prudence,

My brother and I are both mixed-race, as my both sets of grandparents are. My brother is much darker than me, while I always get pegged as Latina. He married “Dana” who is very blonde and blue-eyed. They have three kids that all take after Dana, other than their daughter, who has very tight curls.

My mother has been openly hostile to Dana and the kids because genetics are not like mixing a can of paint. My nephew has the same dimples, gaps in the teeth, and birth marks as my brother, but he is very blonde. My brother and Dana literally moved because of hostility towards mixed-race couples where they were living, at a pretty large cost. Think from four-bedroom places to two, and the parents sleep in the dining room.

My mother can’t seem to stop making petty comments after my last nephew was born. She is very dark-skinned like my brother. I get to hear her talk smack about Dana and how she can’t believe her grandchildren look like Dana, but she’s even asked my brother to get a paternity test. It makes me sick, since my mom was very protective over my brother, my half-Asian cousin, and me growing up. We live within reasonable driving distance, while Dana’s family lives in the Midwest. I keep biting my tongue and think I might bite it off. My mom has gotten religious and not in the fun way after our day died. What should I do?

—Aunt in Austin

Dear Aunt,

I have to admit that the racial element of this story is very much Jenee bait. A friend (who used to be my editor) and I always joke about how I’ve written no fewer than 10 times over the course of my career in response to viral stories about so-called “Black and white twins,” and the fact that they are not actually two different races—it’s just that one happened to come out lighter, and one darker. Or, as you put it, “genetics are not like mixing a can of paint.” So for a few minutes after reading your letter, I was derailed by looking up photo and video evidence of “white passing biracial people” with the idea that you could show those to your mom along with a genetics 101 lesson and convince her that your nephew’s appearance doesn’t mean he’s the product of an affair.

But as much as these conversations fascinate me (and people’s ignorance about the topic agitates me!) I don’t actually think an analysis of the various possible phenotypes of mixed babies is really what’s at core of this story. You say your mother has become “religious and not in the fun way” since she lost your dad, and I assume that means she’s critical with respect to a variety of topics and lashing out about them. I wonder if her grief has taken the form of free-floating anxiety about family. And I have a suspicion that if she hadn’t latched onto this topic, she’d be bothering everyone about something else—a loved one’s sexual orientation or weight or the way they messed up her meatloaf recipe or didn’t send a thank-you note. My point is that she’s in pain and prone to intolerance and refusing to mind her own business. This will come out in one way or another, and the specifics of her current obsession about your nephew’s parentage don’t deserve too much attention.

So you should tell her you don’t want to discuss this particular topic anymore, and point out how damaging the allegations have been to Dana. Also reach out to Dana (if she’s aware of all this) and make sure she knows that nobody takes your mom’s perspective on this seriously. Take the opportunity to ask her about the larger issues with racism the family is facing and brainstorm about whether there’s any way you can provide support.

When it comes to your mom, if you aren’t so put off by all this that you want to avoid interacting with her, you might try to redirect her attention or address the hole in her life that she’s filling with made-up scandals. You could help with that by helping her find an outlet for her need to meddle. Of course, we don’t want this to be the local school board or somewhere where she could do actual harm, but maybe her church has a committee that could keep her busy doing something like planning events instead of policing her grandchildren’ s hair color and texture.

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Dear Prudence,

We live close to my husband’s brother and his family. Our nieces and nephews are cute kids but can get extremely rowdy and barely listen to their parents, let alone to us. It’s getting harder to socialize with them, and at this point, inviting them over feels like such an undertaking. We have two young kids (under 3) and I’m worried a) that my kids could get hurt near their cousins and b) that my kids will eventually learn their bad behavior. We love our family but have no clue how to proceed in a way that doesn’t keep stressing us out. My brother-in-law knows his kids are challenging so this isn’t really new information for them. Any advice that keeps the peace would be amazing!

—The Anxious Aunt

Dear Anxious Aunt,

I appreciate that your goal is to keep the peace rather than to force your brother-in-law to parent differently. After all, we don’t know what he and his wife have tried or what issues may be fueling his kids’ behavior. Focusing on your children’s safety is the right thing to do. I think that will require making all socializing, for the time being, kid-centric. This may not be your season for sitting down and chatting with all the adults while the little ones do their own thing. A few ideas: Playgrounds, both indoor and outdoor, tend to have separate areas for different ages, which would be great because you’d have a legitimate case to keep the bigger kids out of the space for babies and preschoolers. Meet up at one and make the most of whatever fragmented conversations you can have while all the adults chase their kids. Or consider activities in which everyone is seated and therefore can’t get into much trouble: Meals out, sporting events, and movies or performances could be good. If the older kids are athletes, could you bring your children to attend one of their games, and watch them while they’re on the field, at a safe distance? What about scheduling gatherings at your homes to overlap with your kids’ naps, so that you know you have a couple of hours when you won’t have to worry about them and can have an adult conversation?

Then, once they wake up, you can keep a close eye on them for the remainder of the visit or even take them outside or for a walk and safely away from their cousins, satisfied that you’ve already connected with your brother-in-law and his wife. I know this is all more of a hassle than you’d like it to be, but hang in there. The best thing about kids going through difficult phases is that they’re guaranteed to grow and change, and that normally means mellowing out a little bit. This won’t last forever, but by doing what you’re doing and managing the situation strategically rather than lashing out at the other parents or trying to personally change the rowdy behavior, you’re ensuring that your relationship with them does too.

Classic Prudie

My Dad passed away 18 months ago very suddenly. We don’t know what initially caused him to collapse, but he was lying on a floor for days and he developed rhabdomyolysis and his blood turned toxic by the time he was hospitalized. I had one phone call with him, then he asphyxiated and never regained consciousness. I sat with him until he passed away three days later. It would be logical to think Dad lived alone, but he didn’t. His wife and her son were in the house with him.