SINGAPORE: A wife is considering divorce after more than five years of repeatedly chasing her husband to repay money he owes her, saying the ongoing situation has left her dipping into her savings and unable to put money aside.
In a post on the r/sgdatingscene forum on Friday (Oct 23), she shared that she had been covering her husband’s share of expenses for years because his finances were “always tight.”
At first, she did not mind paying upfront, as she could earn credit card points and trusted that he would repay her. Over time, however, his promises to pay her back became empty assurances. He would say “I’ll do it” or “I’ll pay for it,” only to forget about it altogether.
Whenever she brought up the outstanding payments, the matter would escalate into a major argument, with her husband calling her a “transactional person.”
“I am not okay with helping him to remember these owed money. I don’t like to chase, and I don’t think I should be chasing too,” she wrote.
She added that she would much rather he be honest about his financial difficulties and tell her if he needed a few months to repay her, rather than leaving her to keep tabs on money he had promised to return.
“This is my biggest pain point, which he doesn’t seem to get.”
For context, she further shared that her husband had once helped her clear a loan and told her she did not need to repay him in the past. Out of gratitude for that favour, she later covered many of the bills when he ran into financial trouble, without asking for anything back.
However, she said she can no longer continue doing so, given the growing number of expenses—including his share—that he has asked her to pay for in advance on his behalf.
“The thing is, this has led to me not being able to save and digging deep into my savings to survive. I am still fine with helping him out when he needs it, but he has insinuated that I don’t help him enough since I can’t help to pay off his loan like he did for me, and I only know how to ‘claim’ back from it.”
On top of this, the mental load she has been carrying for the household and kids has been immense. “The kids are young and unaware of our financial situation, but the older one is observant and knows that everything they eat, wear, and play with is paid for by their mother. Family admin and logistics duties are all solely carried out by me on my own with zero help from him.”
“We’ve just had another big argument on these 2 issues where he promised to pay and promised to take on a family-related admin duty and yet didn’t carry either out. He went on to call me transactional and unhelpful.”
The woman then admitted that she is close to her wits’ end and is considering ending their marriage.
“This issue has been going on for more than 5 years, and it eats me up every single time. Some issues are smaller, but they snowball. He never seems to get my points and thinks I’m out for his non-existent money. He also tends to downplay my job as the “easier” one, as I tend to have a bit more free time at work to do some research for family-related admin stuff.”
“I’m just not sure if it’s an overreaction since the argument is still fresh. But it’s not a new argument we’ve not handled before, and I’m growing tired of communicating with someone who refuses to comprehend. I have suggested couples therapy before. He is completely against it.”
Currently, the woman shared that his husband’s finances are now out of the red.
“His financial situation at the moment is quite calm at the moment. There are loans to be paid, but at least the cash outflow is consistent, and there is no longer any snowballing. He is able to manage except for some sudden out-of-the-blue payments that he would need me to help pay first.”
‘Take a moment to put yourself in his shoes’
In the comments, one Singaporean Redditor suggested that the husband was displaying what is commonly known as “weaponised incompetence.” “He knows what he stands to gain by not remembering. You’re not helping yourself by not keeping a proper ledger with receipts.”
Another Redditor advised the woman against rushing into divorce, adding, “There's always going to be some imbalances at different phases of family life. It's natural, as changing seasons brings different difficulties. If your family doesn't have a systematic way to save up and manage money, that's something both of you should explore.”
“Perhaps you'd want to spend a couple of dollars on couples therapy and financial management class? Don't think you'd get much help from the public on such an intimate issue. Good luck.”
A third advised the woman to see things from her husband's perspective and acknowledge his emotions.
“My guess is he doesn't feel warmth from the relationship at this point (hence transactional). This is likely in the realm of therapy already, but since he doesn't want to go, we'll have to make do.”
“Take a moment to put yourself in his shoes and consider what would make him feel encouraged and loved when following through on his promises.”
“I fully acknowledge you almost 100% feel exactly the same way—that you're being overlooked for your efforts. But someone needs to take the first step.”/TISG