Dear Kelly Clarkson,
Miss Clarkson. I have read that you wanted a bird but were not permitted to obtain it. Well, I am in possession of a bird and do not want to be. Perhaps we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.
In brief: There is a bird in here. Specifically, a raven. It sits, croaking, uninvited, on my bust of Pallas. (I would also be happy to give you the bust of Pallas. It is a tasteful bust; my only qualm with it is that it reminds me of my lost Lenore.) I didn’t ask the bird to be here. To the contrary, I would like nothing more than for it to depart. I have asked it to do so, first politely, and then rudely. But nothing. The raven will not budge.
When I read of your encounter with the store Art of Play I felt the only hint of hope I had felt for quite some time. I thought: This woman needs a bird. I have a bird. I will tell her the situation, and we can wring some triumph out of this whole miserable thing.
How did I come by this bird? Oh, the usual way. I’m sure you know the feeling. It’s a midnight dreary. You’re pondering, weak and weary, many and many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. You are thinking of your lost Lenore. Then you hear a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at your chamber door? Well, this happened to me recently. But it wasn’t someone. It was a bird. And now the accursed thing will not depart!
I want to be rid of the bird. And you want a bird. I understand that the bird in which you expressed interest is a windup bird. Well, this raven certainly winds me up. Is that anything? I understand that the bird in which you were interested is named Molly. My raven could be named Molly. You could call it anything if only you would take the demonic thing out of here!
Before you object that the kind of bird you want is inanimate, whereas mine is clearly a live bird, I have considered this, and I think that the main objection people have to a live bird indoors is that the bird will fly around disruptively and try to escape. Well, the raven does not do that. I wish it would. I have opened the casement. I have said, “Shoo, bird.” I have said sterner things, things that I now regret. But the raven does not budge. It just sits there and says, “Nevermore,” at intervals.
Also, its sable hue would go with anything. Looking at this bird from an interior-design perspective, I think it would fit any room, especially if I included the bust, which, again, I am willing to do.
Do you need to feed it? I have not gotten that far with the bird. So far, it has not eaten anything. I think maybe it sustains itself by other means. It just sits there saying, “Nevermore.”
Make no mistake, I am not offering you a free bird because I doubt your ability to pay. I am offering you a bird because I hate the infernal creature and want it out of my sight! But I would accept your money. Using that money, I could perhaps even get rid of the beating heart that seems to be stuck in my wall.
I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
EAP