Does Your Therapist Support Abuse?

Years ago, while walking my dog in the park, I saw a man slap a woman so hard across the face that she stumbled backwards.

My dog and I stopped still in our tracks, and we stared at both of them until the most uncomfortable person (the man) turned away. I continued to stare, and as they drove away, I picked up a stick and scratched out his license plate number in the dirt on the side of the road.

Justice Is Served

As luck would have it, just then a park ranger drove by on his quad. I flagged him down and asked him to call the police. (This was before cell phones.) Minutes later, a squad car showed up, and the man was immediately put in custody and charged with domestic violence. He pled “not guilty” until I showed up in court.

A few days later, the victim called my office to pass along a “thank you” message. She sheepishly added that she, too, was a psychologist.

Abuse in America

There are over 1 million mental health professionals in the United States. They’re a diverse lot, but they all have one thing in common: They all come out of the general population, which is experiencing a pandemic in behavioral health pathology in the form of intimate partner violence.

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, about 24 individuals are victimized by an intimate partner every minute in the U.S. This adds up to over 12 million people each year. However, this statistic does not tally up the many incidents of emotional or verbal abuse, where there is no violence, so one can assume that abuse occurs even more frequently than reported.

Sharing What I've Learned

After 35 years as a marriage and family therapist, I began sharing my thoughts on having healthy relationships on social media. I naively thought, at the time, that we were all in agreement that abuse was a terrible scourge in our country. Turns out, this wasn't the case.

I was surprised to read the comments where people argued that yelling and screaming, specifically, were vital to “sharing who we really are and getting real with our feelings.” I was even more surprised at the many comments from individuals who commented that, in couples counseling, their therapist sometimes saw and heard abuse in the session and said nothing about it—sometimes going so far as to blame the victim for the verbal abuse. One therapist even scoffed, “An abuse-free life? That’s not a thing.”

Abuse Is Not Normal

So, here I am, reminding everyone that any and all abuse is not normal; it is maladaptive and shuts off the prefrontal cortex—the "smart" part of the brain—in favor of the amygdala, also known as the "lizard brain" that is driven by fight or flight.

Abuse, including verbal abuse, like yelling and screaming, triggers this switch. When this happens, the couple’s ability to engage in problem-solving (also known as conflict resolution) is heavily compromised, if not disabled. When it happens in the therapist’s office and nothing is said, the abuse becomes normalized and part of a pattern known as gaslighting.

No Relationship Benefits From Abuse

I have learned throughout my career that abuse doesn’t start with a punch to the face. Odds are, the woman whom I saw get slapped in the park was unaware of the dangers of abuse, and how yelling, screaming, and put-downs can eventually lead to a slap to the face.

But Steve, wasn’t she a therapist? How could she not know? Because she, like every other therapist, is from the general population where abuse is normalized.

Before we can have a good relationship, we must have a safe relationship, and we cannot have safe relationships when there is abuse. We cannot resolve the conflicts that keep us apart when there is abuse. Abuse is perhaps the single most self-defeating pattern of behavior in relationships.

Ask Your Therapist

If you’re in therapy or seeking therapy, I urge you to ask your therapist where they stand on abuse. You may need another therapist if any of the following are true:

• Your therapist isn’t confronting abusive behavior in your session
• Your therapist isn’t screening your relationship for abuse prior to couples counseling
• Your therapist does anything to minimize the significance of abuse

Therapists who do not understand the harm of abuse are woefully lacking in the necessary training, skills, and courage you need from your therapist. Remember, abuse is not normal. In fact, it’s a choice. I urge you to make the right one in this matter.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is ready to receive calls (in English or Spanish) 24 hours every single day. Call 1-800-799-7233. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.