There’s a moment in The Invite, the 2026 dramedy by Olivia Wilde, that you could easily miss. It’s buried in the pre-orgy hilarity of the plot, which is intentional; humor is often used to camouflage our discomfort with sex. Pina, the vivacious and astute sexologist played by Penelope Cruz, asks the couple played by Wilde snd Seth Rogen, with the sincere curiosity of a scientist, “How do you have sex with each other? You are so mean to each other.”
Under the facade, lies the honest, uncomfortable truth.
As a sexologist, I’ve sat with countless people stuck in this intimacy no-man’s-land and it truly is a heartbreaking place. Sexless marriages are particularly hard to navigate because it is a deeply lonely place. Being in one is a hard thing to share, because it reeks of rejection. “My partner no longer desires me” is not something you can bring even to your closest confidante.
How do you define “sexless”?
Sexless marriages are highly personal and therefore, difficult to define. There is a commonly applied standard of “less than 10 times a year," but who gets to decide? What makes a relationship "sexless" anyway?
Like many things in the world of sex and relationships, there is art and there is science to it. But the reality of sexless marriages is this: You decide if you’re in one. Typically, a sexless marriage is anchored less in how much sex you’re having and more in the desire discrepancy: You’re not having as much sex as you want.
Sexless marriages can be devastating to a relationship, fueling a build-up of guilt, dejection and resentment. And the longer it goes on, the wider the gap can be, making a sexless marriage a tough place for a relationship to end up in and an even tougher one to climb out of.
What do we know about sexless marriages?
Studies show that it’s typically men who want more sex in a marriage. Is this biologically or culturally driven, because women have been taught to be frugal with their sexual impulse? Through my years exploring this topic, I’ve heard from many women who said they were the ones who wanted more sex—and that they were shamed for it. The pain of sexless marriages is real, and it cuts in both directions.
Culture matters too, especially the role of women in society — though its impact on sex in marriage isn’t intuitive. In traditional, patriarchal cultures, women are taught that their sexual role is to please their husbands and to produce children. In societies where women are more empowered, they exercise their right to say "no". So it may look like there are fewer sexless marriages in more traditional cultures, but that may be a function of convention, not choice.
Time impacts intimacy in marriage, too. Research shows that sexual satisfaction in newlyweds typically declines after 4-5 years. Life gets in the way — jobs, kids, and the like (although there is science that shows how to keep the spark going). Poor physical health and aging can be predictors of sexless marriages as well.
The Gottman Institute identified the four horsemen of a decaying relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Pina put it in simpler terms: You’re too mean to have sex.
Relationship expert Esther Perel has said, “Sexuality is a coded language for our deepest emotional needs, our wounds, our fears, our aspirations, our longings.” If a relationship doesn’t create an environment of safety, trust, and respect, true sexual intimacy will not sustain.
Make-up sex is glamorized. Sure, occasionally, sex is a great way to break through the tension of a fight, but what happens in the bedroom is a reflection of what happens outside it.
How can you save a sexless marriage?
When I coach people in sexless marriages, there are five things I ask them to think about:
Marriage Essential Reads
- Blame. Are you assigning the responsibility for this chasm on your partner, overtly or covertly? Blame is a non-starter on the path to healing.
- Reflection. When and how did things change? There’s usually a turning point. If you can retrace your steps, it can provide clues to where the reconciling needs to commence.
- Accountability. What is your role in creating the distance? How will you own your part of bridging it?
- Baby Steps. What small steps can you take daily to re-establish trust and intimacy in your relationship?
- Expectations. What does this new relationship look like now? What needed to shift to get here?
The Invite highlights the harsh truth that we will do anything to hide, escape, or deflect from the discomfort of rejection. But when it comes to sexless marriages, ownership and accountability are key, as is knowing that relationships morph over time and need its participants to evolve with it.
Every couple in a sexless marriage is quietly issuing this invitation to one other, whether they know it or not: Come back to care first. The rest will follow.
References
French, J. E., McNulty, J. K., Makhanova, A., Maner, J. K., Eckel, L. A., Nikonova, L., & Meltzer, A. L. (2022). An empirical investigation of the roles of biological, relational, cognitive, and emotional factors in explaining sex differences in dyadic sexual desire. Biological psychology, 174, 108421. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2022.108421
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
Karraker, A., & DeLamater, J. (2013). Past-year sexual inactivity among older married persons and their partners. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(1), 142–163. doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01034.x
McNulty, J. K., Wenner, C. A., & Fisher, T. D. (2016). Longitudinal Associations Among Relationship Satisfaction, Sexual Satisfaction, and Frequency of Sex in Early Marriage. Archives of sexual behavior, 45(1), 85–97. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0444-6
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492